I’d say my husband is thoughtful but not overly romantic. I always thought he’d pick a low-key location to propose and no doubt would use some form of stand-in so I could pick my own engagement ring. In fact he blew me away when he faked winning a night in a budget hotel room as a ploy to get me down to London. Instead of rocking up to the a Travelodge I found myself inside Posh and Becks’ favourite suite in Claridges. Yup I’ve slept in the same bed as David Beckham. I said yes as he (James, not David Beckham) perched on one knee with a replica of my Grandma’s engagement ring. It was a total surprise and utterly perfect.
Since that day six years ago, most of my friends have also found themselves with fiancee status. Some of them were proposed to quietly at home, others in Greek villas, some on ski slopes, a few on epic beaches. All proposals uniquely different and very romantic. Some were more adventurous, others tender and charming. One thing unites all these proposals though; the boy proposed to the girl.
In my own personal experience none of my female friends have popped the question and they all waited to be asked. Some of my friends have had babies with boyfriends but most have made the choice to go the traditional way and wait until after marriage to start a family.
My girls are intelligent, driven women who know what they want out of life. They pay their own way and split living costs down the middle with their partners. Despite the 50:50 split on finances and decision making on holidays, houses and general life, we all left the biggest decision of our lives in the hands of our partners. And my god did they make us wait.
We have discussed this A LOT over the years. Lots of prosecco bottles have been downed and tears have fallen and the words ‘I don’t understand why he won’t propose’ have been uttered. Not once did we ever suggest they could propose to him.
As 2016 is a leap year apparently it’s ‘acceptable’ for women to initiate a marriage proposal. Isn’t it crazy how it still seems to be the done thing for the bloke to buy the ring and get down on one knee?
Interestingly in the seventies it was my Mum who proposed to my Dad. They’d been together for just two months and had already talked about getting hitched. One day over Sunday lunch my Mum suggested to my dad they get married and seven months later she walked down the aisle. Next year they celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
What is it that makes modern society still favour the traditional engagement scenario? What’s your own proposal story and was it you or your partner who popped the question?
My mum also proposed to my dad…it was a leap year and they’d been together 30+ years when my mum suddenly decided she wanted to be married! I think my Dad thought it was a wind up but they were married 7 months later.
I do think it’s rather old fashioned that most women wait for the man to ask and it’s his “choice” whether it happens!
Wow, 30 years Rachel? I bet there was a lot of content for the speeches! x
I love your parents’ story Lauren. Totally agree that it’s strange how some things are never challenged, despite how much things have progressed in terms of gender equality. I think a lot of women might just be happy to leave their partner to put themselves out there and risk rejection!
But on a much more important note, how epic is that ring in the picture? If only I wasn’t already married… 🙂
It’s flipping gorgeous isn’t it? De Beers diamonds are stunners! They have eternity rings Tracy…
SWAG jewelers do pretty much this exact ring… Cos it’s mine! Haha!
Love this post! My partner and I had been together 5 years and had talked about getting married, but he never seemed overly interested in actually proposing. So i decided that i’d propose to him on a weekend away, but he beat me to it and proposed that same weekend! It was perfect and a complete surprise especially for him when i told him that i was planning on doing the same thing! Now we are getting married in April.
He said that he was glad he got to do it, as he had been planning it for months. I only though to do it on the train ride there! Also do you buy a ring for your fella? I feel like you need something to propose with!
Oh Victoria! This is an ace story! It must have been the perfect time for you both. Big congrats on the upcoming nuptials x
We decided to get married together after having quite a serious chat about what we wanted. To be honest the removal of the Romance from the JOINT decision was refreshing! I felt like we were embarking on our marriage with our eyes open and not full of rose petals.
But hey, that’s what was right for us, and I think it’s about doing what’s right for your relationship and not what is socially expected! There definitely enough of that with planning a wedding eh!
Love that you made a joint decision Jo, especially if everything else is so equal in your relationship.
Jo, we had the same thing with our ‘proposal’. We decided after a weekend away whilst driving on the M25 that we both had been thinking about our future and would like to take the leap.
There was no grand romantic gesture which everyone else struggled with, and we took our sweet time with the engagement and got married in October, 2 years after our drive down the motorway!
Really interesting – I don’t have the typical “he asked me” story and a lot of friends and family have had difficulties with it, in terms of what the exact engagement date was etc, though to me it was perfect for us as a couple. We’d been together for about 6 years, neither of us had ever been particularly interested in marriage. Then I went to a friend’s hen party and thought “actually maybe the whole marriage thing is something I could do”. So I got home and told my husband my thoughts, and he said he’d be up for it. We agreed to just keep a casual eye out for a ring I might like. Two years later we spotted an antique one I loved and got it. Then a week or so after we began to tell people we were engaged. It was perfect for us – I never felt like I was waiting, we were in sync the whole time and it was all very open and low key. But others have had difficult pinpoint in the date of the proposal (there wasn’t really one!) and understanding exactly how we went from a couple pretty determined not to get married to engaged without and particularly frought or even deep conversations. And of course when we eloped to New York to get married that was a whole ‘nother set of explaining we had to do!!
Oh Anna, a New York elopement? Now that is romantic.
I was proposed to amid the twinkling lanterns of Hoi An in Vietnam with a gorgeous emerald cut diamond (what I’d always wanted!) – it was unbelievably magical. This was 2 days after my then boyfriend, now husband’s 30 birthday – it seemed like he needed to hit that milestone before he felt ready to take that next step! None of my friends have popped the question to their men either…. I think for me I wanted to be asked and have the lovely proposal story to tell…. If you’ve asked him it’s just not the same. Maybe even seems a little desperate (can’t believe I just said that!)
What an amazing setting Bryony and a fab story to tell.
desperate?? How on earth is it desperate to propose?
There’s absolutely no reason why making a joint decision abut your future and having a surprise proposal should be incompatible.
I don’t get why getting engaged is treated so differently from any other life decisions – you wouldn’t just wait for your other half to buy you a house would you??
It is so weird that we just sit around and wait isn’t it? We had been together for 9 years when we got engaged and I had been starting to drop some (not so) subtle hints. Little did I know he had been designing a ring in secret for the past 7 months and it had just been sat in his bedside table. How do you keep something a surprise for 7 months?! Needless to say I was pretty surprised when it happened and am told my reaction was worth the wait! X
Ha ha Sian. I always thought I’d know if James was fibbing but he was doing exactly the same as your other half – meeting secretly with a jeweller. Turns out he’s way more discreet than I thought he was 😉 x
Go your mum!! Love an engagement story. It would never have crossed my mind to propose to Edd. That said if he hadn’t done it when he had I may have reconsidered. I have plenty of friends who go and ‘show’ their other halves the rings they would like ‘should’ they propose. Basically, buy me this ring now! I had a feeling Edd might propose but was thinking maybe it would be when we went to New York. Instead he did it the weekend before when I begrudgingly agreed to a walk on the Malvern Hills in the cold wearing my scruffs, joggers and wellies. He said he wanted it to be somewhere we could always go back to. Looking back he was uber excitable but I on the other hand was moaning the whole way about how I had to get back and do work due to a tight deadline plus basically having a go at him about everything. Poor guy!!! He had chosen the perfect ring and packed champagne and maltesers (and a can of sprite for him as he doesn’t like champagne!). It was perfect for us. Although I do wish I’d chosen my outfit more carefully!! xx
SO thoughtful Lottie to have a place to go back to. I think I need to back to Claridges….
I can really relate to this story! I was hot, sweaty and pissed off wondering WHY we had to go and find this flipping garden that Paul so wanted to go to in the midday sun in Florence in August! (maybe planning is not his strong point after all!)
So we have sweaty photos of us in crumpled clothes looking all hot and bothered…But we get to go back to Florence for anniversaries (must get that sorted!)
I have no idea why so many of us wait for the man to propose. But I wonder, if we look at the rest of our lives, how many couples actually split everything 50/50. Don’t you often find yourself doing most/nearly all of the housework? (I do). Are you the one who remembers birthdays and buys the cards and sends the presents? Even for his family members? If you have children, are you the one who does more of the childcare/ picking up? Who works part time or in a flexible role to fit around children?
I don’t think our society as a whole is quite as equitable as we might think.
I think this is a great point, marriage takes two and why should the decision lie with one person? My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years and we know we’ll get married because we’ve discussed it; yet why should I be waiting on him to decide, right now we can be engaged?! But when we talk about it he seems adamant that he wants to surprise in some way, though I’d be quite happy without it, whether we just decide to get engaged or he has some elaborate romantic thing planned, it won’t take away the excitement and feeling of being engaged. and I don’t even think if I went all girls run the world and proposed to him it’d take a way the moment! I hope if i have a daughter, that times have changed by the time she is thinking about marriage. Because my mum and dad just decided to get engaged in a car park one day and went and picked a ring, and what do you know, 40 years on and still happily married! Thanks for an interesting read! X
Hi Kirsty, I’m loving hearing all these stories about parents and their proposals. Times have most definitely changed. x
I don;t see why a joint decision can’t be compatible with a surprise proposal. Agree a timescale between you and leave the rest to him. Why the heck should you wait if you’ve already agreed as a couple its right for you??
I totally agree with this! My boyfriend and I discussed marriage and engagement over the course of several months last year. We agreed to look at some rings so I could get an idea of the sort of thing I like (I didn’t want a diamond centre stone) and we set up a Pinterest board to share ideas. Whilst on a day trip to Birmingham we popped into the jewellery quarter and visited a few stores, discussing what we liked and decided to go home and think about it. We returned a few weeks later and came home with a gorgeous ring he had picked out on our first visit! The proposal is something he is adamant he wants to do, so I’m going to let him have his moment which I know will be perfect for us both. So here’s to sharing!
This is such a cool post. I think and debate a lot about gender equality and while it is a very valid argument when it comes to employment, pay, the right to vote/work/drive (I am from the Middle East and it is very much topical as women only got the right to vote in my country of birth in the naughties – something that a lot of men and women take for granted in the UK…) however I don’t think it neccessarily applies to emotions which is a major building block in any personal relationship. Women generally are a lot more in tune with their emotions – we tend to analyse actions and words a lot more in depth than men and hence we wait and wonder about the proposal rather than getting up and doing it ourselves, whereas if it was about a promotion or pay rise at work I would most definitely be right up there fighting for it and making myself heard about why I deserve it hah.
Hi Reshmi! Such valid points. Whole heartedly agree with your comments on emotions x
I had been with my partner 11 years and had had a baby before he finally proposed. I’d often thought about doing it myself, but at the end of the day, I realised I really did want that magical moment of being asked and I think that’s probably the reason most women wait to be asked. We may be very strong, independent women, but at the end of the day, we still love a fairytale!
So true Holly, we do love a fairytale! x
Thanks for an interesting post! I don’t know of any friends who have proposed to their partners. I got engaged last year after 9 years together and he proposed on a Sunday afternoon whilst we were walking the dogs and going to put the horses to bed. It was just part of every day life and in the middle of a field a 3 minute walk from my parents house – so once I had got over the shock we got to whizz back to see them where they were waiting expectedly and crying! For us it was absolutely perfect, as was the ring 🙂
Would I have ever asked him? In the preceding 9 years I definitely had times where I got frustrated that we weren’t engaged yet – we knew we wanted to be together forever and knew marriage would come so why was it taking so long? We met when we were 19 at uni and did lots of growing up together – doing our degrees, pursuing careers, long distance relationship, finally compromising and finding a place where we could live together and work locally. Once all this was done and we were in the best place we had ever been he proposed. And I have to admit, he was so right to have not done it any earlier. It came at the perfect stage of our lives and I think if it had been left to me I would have let my heart rather than my head rule the decision.
Milly – your timings are virtually identical to mine and I have to agree even though we had been together years when we finally did get engaged it was the perfect time for us; financially and mentally.
You have a beautiful proposal story 🙂 x
Thanks Lauren 🙂 I think when you have been together a long time and marriage has come up you also talk about how long you would like your engagement to be etc. We didn’t want a long engagement but had we got engaged earlier than we did, we wouldn’t have been in the financial position to do it all as we have. 70 days until the wedding! Eeek! x
Snap again! I said I only ever wanted a six month engagement. In the end it was nine months and I sometimes wish it’d been longer because I adored wedding planning.
Not long to go Milly! Have a perfect day x
Ha – my parents pretty much did the same thing! They just had a chat at someone’s party about three months after they met and I think the general gist of the conversation was “So do you want to get married then?” They’ve now been married for 38 years – funny how this seems to be a common thing for our parents’ generation but has fallen out of fashion now?
Yes it is funny isn’t it Katie. I think back then there was more focus on being married and starting your life with someone. These days there’s lots more focus on the big day itself, but obviously if it wasn’t like this we wouldn’t have RMW! x
Love this post. My hubby and I have been together 10 years this June, and were together 7 years before he proposed. We were inseparable from the week we met and he came to stay over at my flat one night when we had been together six months and never left. We always knew we would get married but the proposal just wasn’t happening! When he booked a surprise week away in New York for my 30th birthday I told him that I expected to come home with a ring! At this point the subject of when were we going to get married had been cropping up more and to be honest it had started to feel like if there was a wedding on the cards in the next couple of years there wasn’t any point in getting married as we had already been together living like husband and wife for so long.
He had jokingly asked why didn’t I ask him, but I’m a traditional kind of girl and I had been dreaming of being swept away and being presented with a ring since I was little. I was not compromising on ‘the proposal’.
I spoke to my friend about this last week Claire and she said a very similar thing – she didn’t want to compromise on the proposal and felt her pride would have been hurt if she had to be the one to ask.
Fantastic post! My friends find it odd that my partner and I have chosen the venue and details yet arent engaged. Our pov is that we have discussed these things as if we didnt have the same end goal, would we be suited. He has the ring and Im just sat here patiently waiting, frustratingly! We are saving for a house at the same time too though. We ideally wanted to live together first but finances havent allowed and I would like to get married ASAP whilst our grandparents are still with us. As much as I want it, I would still like the story to tell so I will continue to wait… 🙂
Kari, you must let us know when it does happen! So very organised to have a venue in mind and helps deal with the heart over head decisions that can happen when you’re newly engaged 🙂 x
I proposed to my now husband 4 years ago on the last leap year and I have no regrets doing so. I had planned it for months. He had Irish connections and as proposing on leap year is an Irish tale traditionally it linked. Earlier the year before he had already proven he wanted to be with me and I wanted to show him how much I loved him. I proposed to him on the 18th hole at his golf club, making history at the club. I had a huge banner hanging over the balcony of the golf club asking him to marry me, I was like Juliet waiting for Romeo my heart was racing. He came up to the balcony and I presented him with a golf ball which said will you marry me. I ensured nothing was missed having a photographer capture the proposal. After he thankfully said yes a chauffeured driven car collected us from the golf club and took us to a boutique hotel and we then went out for a meal at an exclusive restaurant. It was an unforgettable day and do not regret it all or feel I’ve missed out. 6 months later he had become a diamond expert and got down on one knee in the place we had our first date, I cried just as much when I got my ring, just as special. We planned our wedding for two years and everyone still tells us it was the best wedding they had ever been to. Just follow your heart we are independent women, if he loves you will say yes! Be brave don’t hang onto that carrot! This year we will be celebrating our 2nd year of marriage and February 29th will always be very special for us!
Claire this is an AMAZING story. Loved reading your comment. I need to see these photos at the golf club!
Thank you. Your welcome to see them! Just let me know how if you do x
We also made more of a joint decision, in the end. We had discussed the prospect of getting married and starting a family off and on for some time, but the real catalyst for deciding to get married was when we made the decision to move back home to Glasgow from London to start a family. I don’t think either of us would have wanted to organise a wedding long-distance. Our favourite Sunday pastime was a long walk along the Thames followed by a few pints and a Sunday roast in one of our many lovely local pubs, and it was during one of these afternoons that we finally agreed to go for it. I had (quite reasonably, I think) suggested that if we were seriously thinking of having a family then we’d be able to have a better party if we got married first… this must have struck a chord with Himself, as by the time we had reached the pub and been served our roasts, he came out with something along the lines of, ‘So, are we getting married then?’. Maybe not earth-shatteringly romantic but sincere and heartfelt, which was good enough for me. Seven months later we were married, and next weekend we celebrate our first wedding anniversary. Oh – and baby no 1 due late July!
This makes complete and utter sense Cat and I bet you were just as excited as you would be if it had been a ‘traditional proposal’ It sounds lovely – so earnest and true.
I definitely gave my now-hubby a few hints! I think women who propose are awesome. I am two years older than my husband so I think I was more impatient anyway – the main reason I didn’t do it was because he’s a bit of a softie at heart and I knew it meant something to him to be the one to do it.
The thing that I find frustrating is when people JUDGE others for choosing to do whatever works best in their relationship – for some people, that’s having a nice chat about the future together, for others, it’s the man proposing and for some, it’s the woman! I think it’s awesome if it’s right for the couple in question. But I know a couple of friends who have had ‘comments’ from others (usually based on that person’s OWN concerns that has no bearing on another couple’s dynamics). I totally get if it’s not for you but thankfully we’re all super different and as long as the two people in question are thrilled and happy, we should be too. 🙂
Well said Kate!
This is such an interesting post and so interesting reading all the comments too! Does anyone think that women are ready to commit sooner than men? I certainly know that in my relationship, I’d happily get married tomorrow, but Matt still needs to come to terms with the commitment and what that means (despite the fact that we have a baby together?!) We’ve discussed getting married lots and lots, and both definitely want to do it – but I don’t want to push him into it until he’s ready, which I suppose is why I wouldn’t ask him. Although it’s very hard not to discuss what kind of wedding we’d have when I look at beautiful weddings everyday…
I hadn’t ever really thought about it being an outdated tradition, as it’s one I like (which I know doesn’t mean it isn’t…) but we are more old fashioned than lots of couples, we don’t share things equally financially and I do most of the daily baby and household stuff such as cooking and cleaning, but it works for us.
I think I’m going to be waiting for a while for a sparkly ring though…
x
Fern I totally know where you are coming from. I would (and this by no means will be the same for anyone or me being judgey on others that have done so!) fear that if I has proposed it would be before he was ready. By him proposing I knew he 100% wanted to do it (even though we both knew it was what we wanted and had talked about it a lot) and he felt it was the right time. I wouldn’t want that nagging feeling of ‘did he just say yes because he felt he had to?’. x
but… would you have said yes to him before you were ready?? Why do you assume the same of him?
Haha trust me Claire, if I asked Matt and he wasn’t ready he would absolutely say no – he’s not afraid of voicing his opinion and is (painfully) honest. He actually turned down a marriage proposal from an ex, so I know he’s got it in him 😉 It’s just we’ve had numerous conversations about it and I know he’s not ready, so there’s no point in pushing it. I suppose we’re talking about scenarios where you both know you want to get married eventually, so you wait until the time is right for both parties x
Hahaha! Fair play!
My point (rant??) was more about those couples who both agree they’re ready and then she sits around waiting for yonks because he never gets round to it!!
It’ll be well worth the wait my love. The best thing about waiting a while is that Elle can pay a key part in the day and remember it too x
Over the last few years all of the weddings I have been have had a bride who is older than the groom (2-5 year age gaps) and I think men are actually becoming less commitment phobic. My hubby is two and half years younger than me and I didn’t want to push him into getting married straight after we got engaged but he was the one all for a short engagement (probably to stop my nagging).
After lengthy discussions re: marriage, we proposed to each other in a park in Copenhagen after a day shopping for rings (he gets one too, fair is fair!) and some hefty burgers.
‘ask him then’ is my go-to response for when my ladies start moaning about having to wait. I think discussing it before hand (A LOT) goes a long way to removing any tension and disappointment.
I love he got a ring too Kate. Why should we be the ones to get all the bling?!
Neither of us proposed! We kind of decided to get married in Italy after being at another wedding. We were already going to Italy for another wedding and our closest friends were going to be there already and we’d always talked about getting married there. All organised within 5 months (with no venue inspection, tasting – shock – however I work in events so I knew the hotel were on it). It was the best day ever.
It would have been nice to be proposed to I guess but we went away shortly after deciding to do the deed and he had this little speech prepared which was lovely 🙂 It’s amazing how many people focus on the fact I don’t have an engagement ring though.. it would have been either the ring or the actual wedding in terms of what we spent our money on. I know what I’d have chosen. Not to say I don’t like bling and my husband doesn’t have a picture of my ideal ring for some time in the future 😉
My friend proposed to her man many years ago. I don’t really think it matters – being happy is what is important.
‘Being happy is what is important’ – too right Lynn x
Oh wow, James did good, what a gorgeous way to plan it. I love your Mum & Dad’s story too, go Mum! xx
Our story differs depending on what mood I’m in with Lee, describing it as during “a winter mini-break to the coast” or “a cold, wet day in Llandudno”.
In reality it was perfect for us and really romantic. The hotel was beautiful, but that day we were so wrapped up in our own bubble of happiness we could have been anywhere. We had the most blissful time, then later on he got tipsy and fell asleep and I sat up watching the X Factor. PERFECT.
xx
What a perfect way to spend a winter weekend Karen. I love Llandudno x
Ditto!
Love how all these stories have brought it all back, I’m feeling sickenly romantic now for Valentines Day. Feeling like we should be making a bit more effort than an M&S Dine in for Two! xx
I think that’s a good effort! We’re spending it with two other couples so I don’t think it will be particularly romantic! x
I must admit, its a bit depressing to read all of these stories of women waiting for the fairy tale, as if that’s somehow incompatible with making a joint decision on what’s right for your relationship like two normal adults!
Put on your big girl pants and advocate for yourself! If he really wants to do the big surprise proposal then fine! But there’s literally NO REASON why you can’t agree on the timescales for that between you.
For what its worth, I proposed to mine (not in a leap year) and it turns out that didn’t make me desperate or weird or emasculating, it just means I’m a grown ass woman who makes joint decisions with her partner about things which affect both of us!
How did you propose Claire?
I wrote it in his birthday card 🙂
He was pretty surprised but totes happy about it (good job really!)
Hi Claire, I’m a little confused by your comment as the vast majority of those sharing their stories here have quite openly talked about it ultimately being a joint decision, having spoken at length about marriage with their partner before one or the other has popped the question.
To be fair, I haven’t mentioned in my comment that we’d discussed marriage for several years, but should I need to, just to prove that i’m wearing my ‘big girl pants’. I’ve loved reading these stories, it’s in no way depressing – let’s all just share a little love & romance eh?
My point was that lots of the stories (and not just here in the comments) are about couples discussing marriage and then the girl still waiting ages for him to propose.
Why is it all on *his* timeline when its a decision that affect both people?
If you want to get married, it should be totally fine who asks who and totally fine for both parties to agree on the timescale but we’ve been culturally conditioned to see it as ‘the man’s job’ so there are countless women in loving relationships who really want to get married but feel paralysed because they’re ‘not allowed’ to pressure him.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good proposal story as much as the next man (woman??), I just wish it didn’t come with as much cultural baggage!
Congrats claire! Great to *virtually* meet another woman that propsed to her chap – shame we seem to be so rare but hopefully by talking about the issue more, more women will be inspired to think about the whole scenario a little diffeently
Hooray! Bravo! Well said! 2016 calling 🙂
Very interesting article! My husband proposed after ten years of dating, then going out and finally living together, a couple of months after we’d bought our first flat. It was brilliant – obviously we’d talked about getting married and decided together that it was something we both wanted, but there’re very few opportunities for a big surprise in life and I was never going to jump the gun and spoil it by hinting, or asking myself. Not that I think there’s anything at all wrong with the woman proposing, I just love a good surprise (particularly one which involves diamonds and champagne…)! x
Surprises are the best Rebecca! There are very few opportunities as an adult where you are genuinely surprised (in a positive way!) x
Hi. I am in that dilemma now!!!! We have both decided we will get married but my partner wants to propose!! He said he will do it when I least expect it…. which in my world is never!!! I was hoping on a dinner in october it came and went… then I thought Christmas nope…. New year went with no ring. … so I booked a weekend away for this weekend in Dorset and I am hoping…..
If it doesn’t then I will propose on February 29th x
I have told him this and he said he would keep me waiting for an answer…. last of the true romantics I think xxx
Oooooh Helen this is so exciting. Please do keep us updated x
It;s quite strange when you think about it why we still think marriage is so important, unless you are religious of course. If we are in a position where we are (or aiming to be) splitting things 50/50, then marriage doesn’t offer that social and financial security in the same way it used to. Couples can make the decision to be committed to each other for life in other ways without getting married, and it’s obvious you are both in it for the long haul if you are a couple sharing a mortgage and/or children. There is also nothing stopping people throwing a big party to celebrate their love without having a wedding!
For my friends who have gotten engaged/married it’s a very emotional decision, but from a practical point of view I can’t think of a reason to get married in the first place (other than things like visas, tax and pensions but these are not the reasons the majority of people choose to marry).
I know lots of people get married for great reasons that are important to them, but I also know people who marry because it’s just what people do, rather than for a more tangible reason. I’m by no means anti-marriage and all for people doing what is right for them personally, I just find it an interesting concept for discussion.
Helen, I’m really interested by your comment and think a discussion around what marriage means to different folks would lead to a very engaging post. Thanks for the suggestion.
I could have written this myself. Me and my OH are getting married because we know our elderly parents would like it and the day will be fun to do. No other reason. We love each other and have a house and life together, we’re not religious so the marriage part actually doesn’t do anything to change things for us. We did consider having a wedding type party without the legal bit but thought no one would bother to come without the ‘officialness’ of the marriage part.
Neither of us proposed to each other, we just talked about it together and made a joint decision. The ‘surprise’ thing isn’t for us… we like to deliberate over everything and come to a mutual agreement!
I proposed to him in january at the plaza hotel in new york last year. Got down on one knee and gave him a watch. We’re an unconventional couple in general and it was important to me that i demonstrated how being with him had made me so much braver as a person. Both in laws to be and everyone we told we were engaged when we got back asked to see the ring and how he did it without question – really quite an odd assumption when you yhink about it – if men are supposed to do the proposing how do gay couples manage?!
Fab location for a proposal Lea. Love how you said it’s made you braver as a person too x
I am another female proposer!!We both knew marriage was on the cards after 5yrs together and I was starting to feel like I wanted to get married – we had got together when I was 21 so it took a while. I heard about the sister of a close friend proposing to her partner and it planted a seek in my mind. I mentally gave him until my next birthday and when no ring appeared, my mind was made up. His birthday was less than 2 months after mine and I bought him a fancy watch the he had been eying up. I gave it to him on the morning of his birthday and I told him that it came with a question…and I asked. I was honestly quite nervous but it all turned out well. It turns out he was getting there but struggling with ring choices. So the following weekend we went away together and chose my ring which was lovely.
I felt like there was some pressure on him to do something wildly romantic/expensive and I would have probably seen it coming. What I am trying to say is it would never have been a complete surprise for me but it was so nice to be able to completely surprise him. And he is the proud owner of an engagement watch.
And since then, I have “inspired” another friend of mine to do the asking!
This is brilliant Diane – I love how the watch has become the new version of the ring!
Ace how you’ve inspired your friend too. It’s been great to read about all these female proposers. Thanks for sharing x
Now – I’m a long term reader of this blog – but never has one of the posts given me such pause for thought.
I think of myself as a pretty strong, independent lady – indeed, I am perhaps one of the prosecco swillers Lauren refers to above…but why was it so important to me that my chap proposed to me and not the other way round?
Having read all the comments, my conclusion is thus: the decision comes down to a) your core values and beliefs and b) the core values and beliefs of the chap you have decided is the one. And the point in your life at which you meet said chap. I am envious of those who have described a mutual meeting of minds – I would have loved it to have been a joint decision. And to the girls who put their big girl pants on and took the lead, good on you. But when I look back now, something in me prevented that from being an option. I like and value traditions – maybe it was that. Or maybe it was self confidence – as someone mentioned above, I wanted to know, for definite, that he wanted to spend his life with me. I do know that partly it was pride; rightly or wrongly, I would have been too proud to propose.
I think we all love our own love story, however it went. It’s been great reading all of yours x
Ellie, thanks my love for such an honest comment.
I have loved reading such varied thoughts from all our community. It’s been great to *meet* all the female proposers and also hear all the romantic proposals but one thing that has been slightly lacking in the comments is the point of view of those who knew their partner wasn’t quite ready for marriage – when a proposal would have potentially led to the breakdown in the relationship. I know when you became a fiancee it was the perfect time for Mr T, even though you would have preferred for it to happen earlier. Ultimately though now you have a strong, utterly equal marriage which is what we all aim for. Big love x
I would have felt a bit embarrassed if my wife had proposed to me and probably annoyed with myself for leaving it. I thoroughly enjoyed planning the proposal that she deserved. Thinking of what to do, when to do it and what to say. It was great! Although awkward, I like the tradition of asking the father and I also wanted to be in the financial situation where I could actually make the wedding happen. It’s old fashioned that the man asks the woman but that doesn’t make it a bad thing. Another thing, I would have dreaded the stag do and the best man speech because no doubt my friends would have ridiculed me!
Nice to hear from the male perspective. My husband proposed and for him, the proposal was a right of passage almost (including asking for my dad’s blessing).
How disappointing that your friends would have ridiculed you for a woman doing something a man would ‘traditionally’ do. 🙁
I love my partner, but if making decisions or doing anything about; paying bills, our home (including moving), holidays, our relationship in general were left to him we’d be sixty and still living in a one bed flat. Put it this way his MOT was six months overdue because he got a new car over a year ago already MOT’d so our local garage didn’t text him a reminder. Generally I don’t mind, I’m pretty driven and keep us organised. We’ve had long conversations about our future, bought a house together and both know we want marriage and children, but I’ve made it clear to him that as I’m usually the ‘responsible one’ , this is one thing I’m asking him to take charge of. Could be why six and a half years in and I still don’t have a ring! I won’t propose to him, I take care of pretty much everything else, and we both work full time, if anything my job is more pressured and has longer hours. Wanting him to take care of a proposal doesn’t seem like a huge expectation.
What an interesting debate! My fiancé and I discussed getting married for quite some time (he did take some bringing round!) and he’s quite a shy person so I had said that he didn’t need to propose if we made a joint decision, but he insisted he wanted to do it the old fashioned way and surprise me, which he did on a beautiful summer picnic the day before my birthday. I did wait a long time and was getting quite frustrated, but because I knew he wanted to propose properly, I wouldn’t have taken that opportunity away from him. Now my parents on the other hand.. Whilst inebriated on a night out my Dad made a throw away comment along the lines of “When we’re married…” and my mum took that for a proposal and wouldn’t let him forget it, and they bought a ring the following day!
Your mum and dad’s story is a belter Lyndsey! x
RMS – pleeeeeease can we more of these awesome feminist posts that get everyone debating!
We’ll try our best Claire 😉
I second that!
maybe for the same reasons that a women is ‘given away’ at a wedding, and takes on her husbands surname ..things you think are traditional, but the reality is, it’s from the old times when the man was the ‘head’ of the house .. ?
My husband and I were both married previously, I said I didn’t want to get married again, but when our twins were born, I had an urge to, so said to him ‘let’s get married’ and so when the twins were 4 months old, we did. I had all the traditional things first time round, and neither feels more right or wrong than the other (this time, I have kept my maiden name I reverted back to, I wasn’t given away) – and neither should it. How you do things, or want things done, should be in a way that makes you happy, and balls to what anyone else things x
After dropping not so subtle hints about wanting to be married-like sending pictures of giant rings- and talking about our future, I had once dropped in the idea of doing the proposing, as this is what my now fiancé’s brother had done. However, I was told that he would be upset as it was something he wanted to do! He isn’t always the gushing, romantic gesturea type but he is constantly kind and thoughtful, so for him I think it was his moment to do the romance … and a proposal at the top of a mountain in Norway with the ring he designed definitely did that!!
Whether it’s because he is a little younger than me so I knew I might be waiting longer for him to be ready, or because I’d been told I shouldn’t, I was always happy with the idea that he would propose! I think it has evolved, though, from men doing it because they have the power to make us theirs, to men doing it to show love, and us girls enjoying our moment in the spotlight! (Which of course could come from doing the proposing too!)
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