Last week as I was paying for a pair of jeans in Topshop I got talking to the super-cool assistant, who was having something of a dilemma. She’d been craving a burger from a particular restaurant all day. “When do you finish?” I asked. “Five minutes,” she replied. “Brilliant, not long until you can have one then,” I said. “But I can’t go on my own,” she responded, looking a bit sad…
“But it’s only a Tuesday, grabbing something to eat on your own on a Tuesday evening is perfectly acceptable,” I said. “Hmm, maybe you’re right,” she mused, “A Tuesday could be ok…”. “Yes, definitely a Tuesday, a Monday would be fine too, perhaps even a Wednesday. Probably not a Friday or Saturday though.” I added. “Or a Thursday, it’s pretty much the weekend, definitely not a Thursday either,” she chipped in. We couldn’t make up our minds about Sundays…
All of which got me thinking about what I will and won’t do alone. Any lunchtime and Monday to Wednesday evenings I’ll happily eat alone, with just one requirement – I must have a book, newspaper, or magazine with me. I’ll go solo to a gallery or museum any day of the week. When it comes to the cinema similar rules apply as with dining alone, the only exception being a one-off screening of a throwback/obscure/foreign film, even a Saturday wouldn’t be off limits if it was something I really wanted see, that no one else I knew was into. I’ve even been on holiday alone although there has usually been an organised element, most likely yoga, or a friend who lives locally so that, for at least some of the time, I have someone to hang out with.
I didn’t get comfortable with doing things on my own until I was in my mid-20s. Going to the cinema, eating out, holidays and shopping were all done with a group of friends in tow or, later, a boyfriend. I can pinpoint exactly when that changed. I’d handed in my notice on my job on a teen magazine for a position on a rival magazine and I was put on gardening leave, effective immediately. Which meant that for a month I was being paid but I wasn’t allowed to work. Awesome, right? But at such short notice no one I knew could take any time off.
Rather than waste the month doing not very much at all, and admittedly a little nervously at first, I took the opportunity to explore London. I wandered around museums and galleries. Took in tourist attractions I hadn’t visited since I was a little girl. Watched every film that was on general release and took in some retro screenings too. Sometimes I would get hungry a long way from home and so I would stop for something to eat, with a book for company, of course.
Going on holiday alone didn’t happen until much later and was very much a baby steps process. A work trip to Barcelona came up and, never having been to the city, I tagged on an extra night after the work bit of the trip was done. Having waved my colleagues goodbye suddenly I felt very alone. But at the same time it was totally liberating. I wandered around the city, popping into any shop that caught my eye, taking in the Gaudi architecture and stopping for tapas and a glass of vino tinto along the way. Since then I’ve been to Australia, Cambodia, Costa Rica, Laos and Spain on my own.
I have friends who won’t do anything alone. Who’ll deliberately arrive late so that they don’t have to sit in a restaurant on their own, even for a few minutes. Who won’t go to a class, or sign up to do a course, if they can’t persuade another friend to go along too. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing things with other people, it’s just that I’m not prepared to miss out on doing stuff because there’s no one around to do it with.
How about you, what are you happy to do alone? Anything you won’t do alone? Would you eat in a restaurant without a book for company? Am I being ridiculous for having rules as to when I will and won’t eat alone? Do share below!
Great post Miranda.
About 10 years ago or so I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing anything alone, rather missing something I really wanted to do than go it alone. That all changed when the long term relationship I was in ended, we sold the house we shared and I moved into a house share in London. It took a little while but I realised there were so many interesting places to go and I’d miss out on so much if I always waited for someone to want to do it with me. Around the same time I also started travelling for work, generally alone, and again after a couple of dull room service evenings I got my act together and started to get out and explore the places I was so fortunate to be visiting and being paid to do so.
I’m definitely a book / magazine fan too when eating alone. I also find that some places are great, really accommodating of solo diners and others are a little bit shocked! I’ve since married and moved down to the coast but still enjoy doing things on my own so I’m glad of the time I had on my own to learn to enjoy my own company and gain the confidence to go solo without thinking that everyone else was thinking that I was a social pariah.
You’re so right Sophie, I’ve definitely had the shocked reaction when I’ve gone to a restaurant solo, but equally lots of restaurants have been great, especially when I’ve been away travelling, making a special effort to squeeze me in at the same time turning couples or bigger parties away.
This is interesting! I think its an age thing. When I was younger I couldn’t do anything alone but then, my then boyfriend moved to a different country for work and I would go visit. This meant airports, planes, customs, different cities, all on my own. When he went off to work, I could sit in the apartment watch TV or get out and explore, so I explored and I was terrified to be honest but so liberating!
And now im happy to do most things alone…
but then having said all that, with 2 children under 5 and a demanding job I don’t actually have much time alone so when the chance comes up I grab it with both hands! Maybe not an ‘age ‘ thing but a ‘need’ thing?
I think you’re right Alice, age definitely has a part to play, although I have friends who went off travelling alone before uni, and I just didn’t have the confidence at the time. The need thing is true too, and it applies both ways, after a day or two working from home, I’m desperate to see people!
I once worked in a cinema in my late teens and lots of people go alone so that totally curbed my fear! I mean really – it’s an unsociable activity anyhow!!
Rachie xo
You’re so right Rachie!!! x
I first started doing things solo when I was about sixteen – visiting art galleries and happily sitting in coffee shops and quick eat places like Pret together with my trusty book in tow which I suppose is quite young really. And I still to this day prefer shopping with only myself for company (it’s quicker). But I’ve yet to go on holiday alone (although I have flown on my own) and up until recently the ultimate no-no has been the cinema which is completely daft given that it’s such an unsociable activity anyway. Having chatted about this with the rest of the team I’ve decided that this will be my next goal – I’ll let you know how I get on!
I really want to do the cinema thing too, Lolly! When my boyfriend was away a couple of months ago, I made it all the way to the entrance of the cinema but then lost my nerve and skulked off! It’s ridiculous because, as you say, it not a sociable activity.
You can do it Kate, but then no biggie if you don’t. Try getting there just before the film starts, less time to think about being there on your own!
You were way ahead of me Lolly! Definitely prefer shopping alone now, as you say so much quicker!
I love going to the cinema on my own but I think that’s because I am weird and I HATE talking about the film straight afterwards
I’m exactly the same Claire – I need to absorb the film afterwards not dissect it to within an inch of its life!
Really interesting post Miranda… definitely gets you thinking. Sometimes, I think it’s really nice just to spend time on your own and relax. I also think it’s quite important to feel comfortable on your own etc. I’ve been to the cinema on my own once, but didn’t really enjoy it so I’m not sure I’ll do that again, but working abroad sometimes has forced me to go for dinner on my own (with a book) and now I really quite enjoy it. At the weekend, the boy and I decided to go for an impromptu dinner after he had been out in the day and rather than waiting for him to get home so we could go, I went an hour early, sat at the bar and read my book with a glass of red wine in hand. It was so enjoyable and I’m going to start doing it more. (It also meant I finally finished reading The Girl on The Train – loved it. Please could you remind me what the current book club book is? There’s a spot at a bar and a glass of red wine calling out to me…) x
Hi Sian, I love that you took yourself out for a drink ahead of dinner with the boy! Current book club book is Sisterland by Curtis Sittenfeld. I can confirmed that it goes very well with a glass of rosé (brought it with me on a very last minute holiday to Formentera!). x
Being an only child meant I was force to do a lot things by myself from an early age. Summer holidays in the south of France meant I had to go out in search of friends on the camp site and normally have a little gang by the end of the day. Volunteering in Girlguiding and also planning and completing the Queen’s Guide Award (highest award you can get!) meant I had to go events on own. This included being a staff member at Wings 2009 jamboree where there 5000 people and I knew no-one. The jamboree ended with me having met a boy and we’re now married and expecting our first baby in Sept. I love having a balance though – sometimes too much alone time gives me cabin fever!
Balance is definitely the key Claire, really appreciate my alone time, but enjoy being with people too! How fab that you found your boy at a jamboree in amongst 5000 people you didn’t know, love that.
Until reading this I didn’t really think about how much stuff I do on my own. I always go to the gym on my own, see an occasional film alone and when I do go shopping I find it quicker and easier on my lonesome. I have eaten alone in restaurants and cafes when I have travelled for work, but not generally just because I wanted to try somewhere.
I have recently joined a book club in my home town of Derby and I took a friend along to try the first meeting – I think a bit of support is helpful the first time you try something new. Luckily the group seem to be very friendly and I am happy to go to the next meeting alone. I was actually quite surprised that some people there barely spoke and I got the impression they just enjoyed an excuse to get out of the house for a chat and some company. The book club is held in a cafe I hadn’t visit before but the home made soup and chunky bread looked delicious so I may eat alone before the next meeting.
In a way it is quite brave to do things alone and perhaps easier somewhere like London, but I don’t want to miss out on things that I enjoy. This weekend just gone I had a weekend in London on my own. I met up with a friend to see Take That at the O2 on Friday night (it was amazing and I still want to marry Mark Owen) but then flew solo and thoroughly enjoyed it!
I usually go to exercise classes on my own and am quite happy to go to a new studio solo but I really enjoyed going to a spin class with my sister recently! Shopping is definitely quicker when you go on your own, I think I would get quite impatient if I went with someone now and, while I do like to get a second opinion, at the end of the day I usually know pretty instantly whether I want to buy something or not. It is good to have support with something like a book club where you’re going to be expressing your opinions, the soup sounds good, definitely go early to the next one!
I’ve done cinema alone for years – I moved away from my friends to husbands home town so took a while to build up new friends and hubby either didn’t want to watch films I did or was working weekends. I also really prefer shopping alone – especially if you have specific items or an occasion in mind other people just get in the way!
I do have lunch alone but havent ever branched out to an evening meal. I do like my own space and time – I’d love to go for a spa weekend on my own – with a 5month old baby, I love him more than life itself, but I’d also love a good massage, night alone to sleep and time to read a book!
I’ve never done a spa weekend on my own, or at all, but I reckon it would be the ultimate gift to self Claire! Agree, so much easier to shop alone, I can’t quite believe that as a teenager it wasn’t unusual for me to go shopping with three or more friends!
Many years ago I flew to China on my own to meet my then boyfriend. The arrangements for meeting up at the airport had been very sketchy as he had been travelling there and we had lost email contact around a week before I left to meet up. Hence when I landed he wasn’t there. As I sat in the airport I remember thinking, what will I do if I actually have to spend three weeks over here on my own?! Very few of the staff at the airport spoke English and the signs leading out were totally illegible. Around three hours later he did actually arrive but by that time I had hatched all sorts of plans as to how I would spend my holiday! In all honesty I would have had a minor freak out if he hadn’t rocked up but if you have very little choice what can you do!? Not being afraid of your own company is definitely something which comes with age I think and I actually prefer this to spending time with tons of people! x
Oh my goodness, I would have been freaking out in your position Hannah but, as you say, what could you have done if he hadn’t rocked up?! You’re right, I’ve definitely become more comfortable with my own company as I’ve gotten older! x
I’m one of those people who like spending time alone. I actually get a bit twitchy if I don’t and have initiated an evening once a week where my husband and I do our own stuff, even if we are both in the house at the same time. Is that odd?!
My husband is about to start doing a part time Masters on top of work so I’m going to have more time on my own. This post is definitely inspiring me to use that time a bit more wisely rather than spending it sitting on the sofa watching tv, particularly given the fact that he will start it in a few weeks when the sun will still be shining.
I don’t think that’s odd at all Sarah, but then even when I’ve lived in shared houses with five or more people I’ve always retreated to my room to read when I’ve needed a bit of alone time (there’s definitely a recurring book theme!). Yes, definitely take the opportunity to get out and about, I was forced to spend an entire summer indoors when I snapped my Achilles tendon and ever since have made a point of making the most of sunny summer evenings and weekends!
I’m the same, if I don’t get some alone time every once in a while I start getting really grumpy (poor husband!)
Ha – I think I have actually regressed?! I moved to London long before my friends, and had no boyfriend, but travelled a lot with work. One Easter I tagged on a few days on a nearby island (sounds so lovely doesn’t it, working in the Caribbean – the reality I assure you is not so great!!). Anyway, I hadn’t thought about bringing books to restaurants, not being one to eat on my own really in London, and one waiter took pity on me in this fancy restaurant I had decided to take myself to and found me some reading material, which was sweet as I was surrounded by couples enjoying the candlelit beach setting! Should have thought that one through a bit more…! I enjoyed myself though! But then I am an only child, and spent an awful lot of my childhood amusing myself so I guess it is second nature. I also went to the cinema by myself to see the Sex in the City film when it first came out, on a Saturday I think, and just as well as I blubbed my way through the whole thing!! I always shop by myself whenever possible, definitely quicker and I don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Nowadays though I would be much more hesitant of doing something by myself, but only because I would want to share the experience rather than not enjoying it. Interesting!
That is interesting Annie. Love sharing experiences too but equally would always rather do something alone than not. I love that the waiter took pity on your and found you something to read, so thoughtful. I went to see Blue Valentine on my own on a Saturday (day) and was so glad I did as I sobbed uncontrollably throughout much of the second half – noisy, sniffly sobbing, I’d have been so embarrassed if I’d have been with someone!
I love doing things on my own, and being married and having a family I actually get a little twitchy if I don’t have enough ‘in my own head’ time. I don’t even have the excuse of being an only child; I’m clearly just an anti-social bugger!
I’ve always been relatively confident doing some activities solo – particularly cinema and eating (with a book of course, why waste reading time?!) but I think the thing which really cemented it was when my then boyfriend and I broke up 4 weeks into a 6 month trip around the world. I was 23 and had two options – either go home with my tail between my legs or just get on with it. I chose the latter and had a fantastic time, on my own and with people I met, became best friends with for a couple of weeks and then never saw again!
‘In my own head time’ I love that Sara, we all need that, I know I would go mad if I didn’t, but then too much isn’t good either! Haha, so true, I always have a book with me, in case of any impromptu reading time, I make bag buying decisions on whether they’ll fit a book above anything else!
I’m just pondering going to the opera on my own! I had the opportunity to get special student tickets (£10 instead of £100) and got a bit over-excited and booked two performances this week. I’ve persuaded my husband to come to one – but 6 hours of opera in one week might be a bit much for him! But £10 for the Royal Opera House is just too rare to pass up!
You had to do it Kate, £10 for the Royal Opera House is just too good!!!
This was a great post to read…. I’m probably a bit weird but I love doing stuff by myself…. A lot of the fitness classes like ballet and boot camp I have joined by myself and I agree, I would much rather do something by myself than miss out. The only thing I can’t make myself do is go to the cinema on my own….. A resolution for this summer I think (I am lucky enough to be a teacher and have a lovely summer break to do this in)
I’m really happy to go to fitness classes by myself too Jenny, while it’s fun to go with someone it really doesn’t bother me not knowing anyone, in fact it can be a bit embarrassing when a friend sees the alarming shade of red I go after a hot yoga class or a particularly tough HIIT session!!! Good luck with the solo cinema going!