Last month I shared my own experience of long distance love and the response was amazing. I can’t believe how many people have spent months, even years apart and across different continents too!
What came across overwhelmingly was how the experience had made you stronger as a couple. As I devoured the comments I started to feel like a big fat fraud. So many people mentioned how amazing it was when they finally moved in together. Well if I’m being honest I would say the first few months of living with the boy were far from idyllic.
If you remember, in a slightly impulsive moment I had quit my job and moved a hundred miles to the Midlands. I’m ashamed to say I really struggled with the whole co-habiting malarky.
I had been petrified about starting a new job but settled in quickly. To this day, the girls I met on my first day are some of my closest friends. So work was fine but home-life was another story. I realised that despite knowing James for over two years, I didn’t really know him. Long distance loving had provided me with an unrealistic expectation about how our relationship would be.
We fought like cat and dog; about the washing up, the cost of the food shopping, how long to lie in at the weekend. You name it we argued about it. The physical and financial pressure of running our first home pushed our relationship to the limit. We were young, naive and penniless and living in the real world was a real wake-up call.
I resenting living in a small town and felt suffocated by my lack of independence. I missed the buzz of city life and most of all my family. Things got better when six months later we moved to a swish apartment in Northampton and I passed my driving test. As our careers progressed, our social circle widened and we made joint friends. We started to split the chores, our financial burdens lessened and more importantly we began to talk more instead of shouting at each other. As our relationship progressed we both learned how important it was to listen and to consider each others needs and opinions.
The turning point came when James’ younger Sister unexpectedly announced she was having a baby. (Now it all becomes clear why there’s a photo of an adorable little girl at the top of this post!) The arrival of our Niece gave me much-needed roots in Northamptonshire. My in-laws had welcomed me in to the family with open arms but becoming an Auntie to Felicity cemented a role for me. As well as helping out with the practical and the fun bits I had a responsibility to join her Mum and Grandmas in being a strong female role model. More than anything James and I both wanted to help the rest of the family provide her with a stable upbringing. My Sister-in-law recently tagged me in a Facebook photo showing Felicity’s glowing school report. I’d be fibbing if I said I didn’t shed a tear. I am so unbelievably proud of her, even if she does insist I sing along to One Direction songs.
“Uncle Jim” and I are now in our fourth home together and looking back now it’s hard to believe I was ever so unhappy. It’s surprising how irrational you can be when there’s a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, the piggy bank is empty and you miss your Mum.
Essentially we grew up and got a grip. And both learnt to compromise. Now he’s my most favourite house mate ever.
So enough about me, I need to hear all about your experiences of moving in together. Was it all hunky-dory or did you argue? We were starting off from scratch but how did you deal with moving in with someone who already had an established home? Did it all work out in the end?
I missed your initial post Lauren, have just caught up and I can identify with this a lot. When I met my now husband he was living in Dubai and I lived in Derby in the UK! Bit of a long distance really. We did the back and forth for 10 months ( I clocked up a lot of airmiles and my bank balance was severely depleted) and then I decided to chuck in the towel and go for it and move to Dubai. Whilst moving to somewhere as seemingly glamorous as Dubai has it’s compensations there were also A LOT of downsides. I missed my friends and family beyond words and I struggled to find work initially. I had the added issue that as we’d only been seeing each other a relatively short time and had only spent a small number of weekends & holidays together really, we quickly realised we didn’t know each other at all!
The first few months were unbearably hard to be honest and I was terribly upset thinking I’d made a massive mistake. Whilst you can always go back, for me that wasn’t an option as by moving out here I’d already committed myself and I wanted to see it through at least for a couple of years. I think the turning point for me was getting a job and moving out of the hotel apartment we’d been living in. Once I was earning my own money again and we had our own place with our own furniture life definitely got easier. We were far less fractious with each other and I felt we were starting to make an actual home for ourselves and like yourself, put down roots.
5 years on and we’re very happily settled and looking forward to celebrating our first wedding anniversary in a couple of months. I feel sometimes that those hard months at the beginning have made us much stronger as a couple sine we’ve had to work so hard to get to where we are now.
Krysia, I only imagine how tough it was for you when you moved out there. Like you said I always had the fallback that I could nip back home if things got really tough.
Huge congrats on the upcoming wedding anniversary. Hope you have something super special planned. x
I love the bit about how you grew up and got a grip, Lauren – it’s so true but so much harder to do than it sounds! I feel quite lucky because I had done the ‘teething pains’ of moving in together with other people so I knew the score when I moved in with my now-fiance. I think the thing I *did* find hard was buying our first house together. I didn’t grow up in the UK and, when I did, I was in London – so the rest of the country was a bit ‘foreign’. We bought a house in Surrey because that’s where Rob grew up so, for him, moving to Surrey was home; to me, it was an alien place not like London at all. He didn’t get it until I asked him how he’d feel if we moved to the little village in Belgium where I grew up – then he understood! I don’t think, like you, I realised how moving to a new place where you have no connections to be with someone who *does* have connections can actually make it harder. If you move somewhere new together then you’re in it together and can share the ‘newness’. When it’s just you then it’s a bit more lonely. We’ve now been there four months so it’s definitely feeling more like home (and I commute to work in London every day which helps!).
So glad your other half gets it Kate! Sometimes the fact they can’t empathise is half the battle. x
oo Kate where abouts in Belgium. I’m a quarter Flemish!
Really enjoying these features Lauren! Love reading about your story, and also all the comments too. We were together for 6 and a half years before we moved in (we did meet at 19 and 21, so were young!) and had constant questions from our friends for ages…”Why have you not moved in yet?” “When are you going to move in?” “Aren’t you worried about commitment?”…Which annoyed me no end! The truth was we loved living with our friends and also loved spending time with each others flatmates. And we had seen so many of our friends move in together and it go so badly wrong, we didn’t want to rush it and for the same thing to happen to us. I was excited for him to be my flatmate, but I also wanted him to be the last flatmate I had and make sure it worked out for the long term. When we decided to take the plunge, I loved it and was so glad we waited. Sure, he annoys me because the towels never seem to find their way back to the towel rail, but I’ll take that because even after almost 2 years I still get a feeling of happiness when I open the front door and know he’s there. I’m glad we didn’t bow into the pressure and move in earlier. It all worked out and we recently moved into a place we own. Exciting! x
Aww Sian this is so lovely! You just have to do things at the right time for you don’t you? x
We ‘officially’ moved in together after being together a year. Unofficially Rob just seemed to be there all of the time after 6 months. We knew it was early to be moving in together but it felt right to us. Surprisingly people who had never mentioned anything the whole time we were together suddenly seemed to have a view on our relationship – some of it negative – which shocked us. We cut these people out and enjoyed making our home together in a tiny flat!
It was cramped, we got under each others feet but we only squabbled for the first month. We have now been together 8 years (1 flat and 2 houses later) and in all of that time we have only spent 5 nights apart from each other. We have never had a proper full blown argument and I would now be devastated if we did – especially as I have now perfected my sulky pout.
I think moving in together was great for us as we became very close very quickly and lived with each others bad habits before we had chance to be freaked out by them. I only get annoyed with him over what I consider ‘teenage traits’ such as leaving socks on the floor, not screwing lids on properly (there have been tears over spilt milk!) and forgetting the most basic of things, but I don’t think any man grows out of this fully.
We both agree we work so well together because we don’t make an issue out of little things. If we annoy each other we tend to just sulk it out and the next day things don’t seem as big a deal as the night before. No matter what happens we always give each other a kiss every morning before we leave for work and every night before the light is turned off.
I applaud you for only squabbling for a month Claire. You must have far more patience than me.
The sock thing happens in every household. I’m sure they must be taught it at school 😉
I was really worried before I moved in with my now husband. It was the right time, especially after doing long distance (Cambridge to Bath) for a couple of years and we were engaged but it just felt like such a big move. Thankfully it wasn’t as bad as I feared particularly after I talked through my fears. Shortly after I moved in I fell off a pavement and broke my foot. Eight weeks in plaster meant that I had to depend on him for alot, including helping me take a shower. Thankfully we lived in a ground floor flat so we didn’t have to contend with stairs. Saying that his flat never truly felt like my home even though he insisted it was. So I was really glad when we moved into our first home together pretty quickly (although it didn’t seem it at the time). I still feel like Bath is more his home than mine but that is slowly changing and I’m getting to know all the back routes and those things you only know when you’ve lived somewhere for ages. We still have arguments about the chores and the finances (we almost divorced over our finances on one occassion) but we now understand each other a lot better and have grown closer as a result. Spending time apart, in the same house but doing different things, has also helped.
I know how you feel when you say Bath feels more like his home than yours. People laugh when I say I’m going ‘home’ for the weekend as this means I’m off to Sheffield. The bricks and mortar we share is home too but home in the wider sense will always mean Sheffield.
Hi Lauren, off topic on the whole moving in together subject – my husband and I had it pretty easy as we grew up in the same town we live in now. I just wanted to say that I feel exactly the same about my nephew (my sisters child) and becoming a role model and providing a stable up bringing- his happiness is paramount to my family, including my husband whom my nephew adores. They say is takes a village to raise a child and I really believe that. My nephew is now 3 years old and my heart swells with pride watching him grow up and achieve life’s little milestones. I now have another nephew and a brand new niece and I can honestly say that they’re the best things that have happened to us as a family. I’m 35 weeks pregnant with my first child and I’m excited for the future. x
Aww Lizzie, being an auntie is great isn’t it?
Not long to go now. Bet they can’t wait to be a cousin to your little one x
This was amazing to read. I moved in with my now husband 7 years ago but the first year is what can only be described as hell. After uni I moved to London and he moved back to his home town of Felixstowe. We did the whole long distance thing for a year but I hated London and my job even more so moved up to Felixstowe to be with him and reassess what I wanted from life. It quickly became apparent that we had a lot to learn about each other. I hated not having my own friends around, I found Felixstowe incredibly stifling and I cringe to think about the screaming matches and slammed doors. Through the year though I discovered I loved teaching, applied and got onto my PGCE and found a cool nanny job which meant going to France a month. While I was away we missed each other terribly. I arrived home in August, we moved to Norwich, grew up, got jobs we enjoyed and we have been incredibly happy ever since. It’s really great to read that others have had similar experiences, I always imagine everyone else moves in and had a wonderful time. I always give warnings about the first year, get through the first year and you can get through anything!
Oh Jenny, I’m glad we weren’t the only ones who were slamming doors!
My Mum and Dad have been married 37 years and she always says the first year of marriage is the hardest. To be honest I found the first year a doddle but I see what she means. Their generation didn’t always live together before marriage so the year after the wedding meant the whole getting used to each other thing.
So glad it worked out in the end for you x
[…] post is back. In this month’s instalment Deputy Editor Lauren talks about her own experience of moving in with her then-boyfriend and how becoming an Auntie helped her settle in to a new town. How adorable […]
Thank you so much for sharing this with us Lauren, it was such a good read and a total relief to know other couples struggles. Rob and I moved in together after just over a year, which seemed early (a few years ago I would have sworn I would always wait at least 3 years until I lived with a partner) but for us it just felt like the right thing to do as we both work shifts and so seeing each other around shifts was difficult and we were both fed up of living out of suitcases and moping around each other’s places whilst the other was on shift!!
Just over a year on we are still happy, and it always makes me so happy to hear him coming through the front door. We’re in the beginning stages of buying our very first home, which to be honest terrifies me, because it’s a whole load more commitment than renting, and I can’t help but feel ‘what if it all goes wrong?’ . But like you say, if you get through the first year you can get through anything! Xxxx