My name is Lolly and I’m a sh*t friend.
Apologies for the profanities so early on in the post but I thought it was probably best to get it out there and lay it on the table. Don’t get me wrong I’m certainly not looking for any sympathy or trying to gain the martyr vote but I suppose I’m cathartically using this post to get some things off my chest. Plus I wouldn’t mind hearing your thoughts on how you’ve experienced and dealt with ‘bad’ friends be them yourself or otherwise.
I’d like to think I haven’t always been so ‘poor’ in the friendship department but then you’d have to ask my girls for their honest opinion on the matter. The fact is I think I can pretty much date the exact day when I started to ‘go down the pan’ so to speak. Two years ago (next month if we’re being precise) I let one of my closest friends down to the point that we didn’t speak for a month. It broke my heart and although it’s all been resolved happily now it still plays on my mind like a niggling splinter that you can’t quite tweezer out.
You see two years ago I found out I was pregnant with Hector. He wasn’t planned although very much wanted but it did take me a few weeks to be able to truly process the fact that 1) I was pregnant and 2) That Ste and I were going to have to dramatically rethink our plan for our house extension and all the logistics associated with it. Seeing as I’m a self-confessed control freak to say I was a bit panicked is putting it lightly.
This all happened precisely one week before a dinner party was supposed to take place at the aforementioned friend’s house. In a haze of pregnancy hormones, a passionate desire to keep my pregnancy secret from ANYONE (apart from Ste naturally) until the 12 week scan and a chest infection, I texted and cancelled on her saying I was too ill to attend the day before. Although I was genuinely under the weather, I know it was more to do with the fact that I couldn’t risk the fact that I wasn’t drinking alerting the other attendees of the party to my condition which I just wasn’t ready to reveal.
Yes I’m not proud of the fact that it was a text and not a phone call – something still makes me cringe whenever I think about it today. And I feel horrendously guilty about not being there at all… I can only claim in my defence that the hormones muddled my normal sensible thinking turning me into a complete friend numpty. And it’s safe to say that since I’ve become a mum that I’ve been regularly falling into this shameful category ever since.
I am the friend that sends birthday cards a week late or cancels on a friend for the 55th time because Hector is ill, or I’m ill having caught something off the little man or I’m just absolutely bone-tired and wouldn’t be much fun to be around anyway.
I was fully prepared for mum-guilt, you know the kind that follows you round like a bad smell, making you doubt yourself and all your baby related decisions but I was knocked sideways by friend-guilt. I was not at ALL prepared for that.
I am the real-life embodiment of that quote that is currently doing the rounds on Pinterest – ‘my brain has too many tabs open’. The fact that it has been re-pinned multiple times is proof that I’m not the only one that feels that way. What with a complete house renovation (which you can read about here), a 16 month old, my day-job and actually trying to be a half decent wife, there isn’t much space or time left for friends or hell even myself. When I do get the chance to go out I’m distracted by whatever destructive mission Hector is hell-bent on following should he be with me or pre-occupied by what he’s up to when I’m not. And it’s not fair on anyone. At ALL.
My only saving grace is that three of my friends had children within three months of Hector being born followed by a fourth friend nine months later so I’m pretty much in daily whatsapp contact with them about all things baby. And those friends who are child-free are utterly loved up with our kids and make a huge amount of effort to involve them in whatever activity we have planned. I’m not sure I would be so selfless if the shoe was on the other foot.
So this year I made a promise to myself. Not a New Year’s resolution as such but a commitment to pay more attention, to make more effort, to be more present and to be a better friend. I want to be the one to invite them to brunch rather than them constantly chasing me, I want to be able to say ‘yes’ more often, to send birthday cards in advance and to genuinely be better prepared. Yes it will take a bit more planning and a bit more effort but they most definitely deserve that.
Have any of you found yourselves in the same position? Do you suffer friend-guilt? Have you found that motherhood has had an impact on your relationship with your besties? Whatever your experience I’d love to hear all about it…
Arw, this post made me a bit sad. Mainly because I can totally relate. Having a job I love but that often involves working late, or getting home early and working at home, I never seem to find the right balance. We don’t currently have children but having friends spread all over the country if I have a lovely few weeks seeing them I feel hubby has been a bit neglected. I am also likely to be the first to have children (all being well) and this is quite scary how my friends will fit into that world. Especially as my best friend told me some time ago that once I announce I am pregnant I might not see much of her. She was joking….I hope! I think we all feel like a bad friend at times, but if you make the effort when you can, and your friends know if disaster strikes you will always be there, that’s all you can so. Wow, long post! ? X
Emma I didn’t mean to make you sad! But yes it’s all about balance isn’t it and it’s a juggling act all the time between all the different aspects of your life. I’d like to think I make as much effort as I can but this definitely a plan for 2016. Good luck with any future pregnancy plans!
I’m struggling to comprehend how cancelling attendance at a dinner party because you were ill led to you not speaking to your friend for a month? Why is this such a big deal – clearly I am the worst friend ever as I think what you did was totally acceptable! You mention the “other” reasons i.e. being pregnant – I’m pretty sure every pregnant woman has done a similar thing at least once and it’s completely your choice/right to do it. I also cancel plans because my child is ill, I am ill or I’m just completely knackered and I don’t think that makes me a bad friend, I think it makes me human. We put SO much pressure on ourselves as women to do/have it all, we end up making ourselves completely miserable. I cannot imagine a man ever writing a post like this or even thinking it! I’m really sorry that you feel guilty for being a bad friend, because I’m pretty sure you are not. It’s only in my 2nd year of motherhood that I have become more organised & better at remembering birthdays etc. It sounds like you have enough on your plate so my only advice would be – give yourself a break!!! x
Couldn’t agree more Sophie! If your friend was annoyed because you were ill, that’s silly. People get ill. If your friend was upset you didn’t mention the pregnancy, that’s also silly. It’s your pregnancy. You get to decide when and how you tell people. They cannot demand to know. My husband and I don’t have children, but we have friends with children and understand that this restricts how flexible/spontaneous they can be. That’s fine. I once arrived at a good friends house armed with dinner and packed her off to bed while I watched her 2-month old baby for a couple of hours. It wasn’t the afternoon we had planned, but I knew that was what she needed. Friendship is a two-way street. Good friends will understand that your priorities change over time. People get married, have kids, move to different cities or even countries. It happens and it’s all part of life. You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty because your friends are not your no.1 priority anymore. You have a child who is utterly dependent on you. That has to come first. Those who care about you the most will understand that, and will not resent you for that.
I think you are so lucky to have close friends have babies at a similar time to you. Since announcing I was pregnant with my first baby just over 2 years ago, my oldest and closest friends have drifted further and further away. I know that this is partly due to me having less time to travel across the country to see them, flaking on nights out and taking longer than I should to respond to their messages but really I think that they just cannot relate to the changes that I have gone through since becoming a mum and so we have sadly grown apart. It is so sad that these people are drifting away from me, particularly 2 of my bridesmaids who I’ve been best friends with since we were 10. I have spent a lot of time being sad about it but I am now trying to be more positive and to focus on all the amazing new people that are in my life that I have met since becoming a mum. Friends that even though we have known each other for a relatively short time know every detail of my and my boy’s life and who I know I can count on whatever we are going through.
Hi Martha,
Just wanted to say I went through EXACTLY the same thing – I could have written the same comment as you almost word for word 🙁 I spent ages thinking it was me and being sad too.
I’m so glad you’ve got some lovely new people in your life. I’m hoping that when my oldest friends start having children (which could be years away) they will realise what having a baby entails. And I know I’ll be there for them if they need me.
Sending hugs x
I am in the same position and it makes me sad and feel quite lonely at times. I have definitely found that I’ve become closer to my friends who already had kids and drifted from those who don’t. I question whether it’s my fault all the time but I’m not sure it is, not totally anyway. They just seem to have lost interest in me. Maybe I am more boring now or they just assume I haven’t got time to see them, I don’t know. But like you say I hope that if they have a baby themselves one day they understand and I will still be there for them x
Sarah if it’s any consolation I definitely think I’m more boring now! I’ve totally lost my fashion mojo and don’t keep up with anything on the music scene and have a pile of books that have been recommended but I just haven’t had time to read. But I’m clued up on all the characters from various kids tv programmes, books etc and can tell you where the best places are to get a decent hot chocolate whilst Hector indulges in soft play. I’m aiming to spend a bit more time on me this year too!
Haha I’m glad it’s not just me! I’m now expecting number 2 so there’s no hope is there!! x
I’ve found this problem too which is one of the things that has surprised me most about motherhood. You are definitely not alone in feeling like this and it’s reassuring to me to know others have experienced the same. I really feel ditched by my mates, had comments like “you’re a mummy now” when talking about why they’ve not included me in plans even though I’ve never turned down an invite for a night out! I feel like I’ve spent so much time getting upset about losing friendships that it’s actually been one of the most stressful things about having a baby.
I find my own attitude veers between wishing people would treat me like normal because I’m still the same person and being annoyed when people don’t take my daughter into account when making plans. Another of the many contradictions of parenting I guess!!
You hit the nail on the head Carly – so many contradictions. I often find myself saying ‘I was Lolly for 30 years before Hector came along and I still am me’ whilst simultaneously stating that EVERYTHING changes once you have kids. Nobody can win!
To be honest I don’t see how you let your friend down, you would not have been good company. Good friends have compassion and understanding.
Friends are great but life does move on when you have kids.
One thing that has helped me is that I grew up in one country and now live in another – and obviously distance means it’s just not possible to maintain the same level of friendship with people as when you’re living down the road from them. What I HAVE noticed though is that, while friendships change, a good friend won’t – no matter how little you see them. When you get together, it’s still awesome and fun; and those are the best kinds of friendships I think. It’s not nice when life gets in the way and you feel like you’re letting your friends down but I do believe that a really good friend will understand and not heap expectations on you that you can’t deliver.
We moved out of London (where a lot of our friends lived) a couple of years ago and I think that has helped to ‘manage’ people’s expectations around how much we’re going to be around and taken the pressure off now that we’re expecting a kiddo. I like the idea of a commitment to pay more attention and plan a bit more – as long as you can manage it and find time in your life then go for it. 🙂
Lolly, thank you thank you thank you for writing this article. I have felt so so guilty for such a long time now about being a shit friend. And also being made to feel like a shit friend at times. I’ve got an 8 month old and have just moved house , and area so my brain and life is all over the place. However, currently sat with the little lady asleep and catching up on rock my style with a cuppa (cold, obviously), reading this article has made me feel like I’m not alone! Thank you ? Xxxx
You’re definitely not alone Gemma! And things definitely get easier as the little ones get older. I found the turning point for me came when Hector was about 14 months old and he could do more and was slightly less dependent on me. I think this has been the reason why I’ve been able to commit to being a better friend going forward. Enjoy your cold cuppa xxx
I’m sort of the odd one out in my group as all of my friends now have children apart from me, and I did feel a little bit left behind when people started to have kids. When my old best friend had her first I made a huge effort to be involved, to help and to always visit her at home when on maternity leave – despite not being the best with children – but things did start to change and sadly she’s not really in my life any more. I don’t know how it felt for her, but for me it was as though she just didn’t need me in her life now that she had her kids. In contrast I have other friends who haven’t really changed at all and balance their motherhood priorities with maintaining our friendship. Sure it changes, sometimes kids have to be included in your plans and of course I understand that kids come first, they can be ill etc, but it can be difficult when you’re on the other side of that change. For me, I really appreciate when someone makes space to come out for dinner or a few drinks without their kids, and I always make the effort to visit them with their kids. Give and take etc…
I can definitely relate to that! My friends have always made the effort to include me, but I’ve been at a fair share of little one’s birthday parties where someone blatantly didn’t know what to say to me once they realised I didn’t have a child there but was ‘just’ a friend… It’s very much a two-way thing and it takes time to adjust for both sides!
I’m one of the last to have a baby in my circle of friends and I have definitely had moments when I rolled my eyes in private when yet another catch-up or plan was cancelled because plans were changed last minute. But I would definitely not blame them for it. I think you adjust your friendships slightly as you get older and life develops in different directions, that doesn’t make either of you a bad friend though! Since falling pregnant, I definitely cancelled a few meetings with friends because I just felt to ill or shattered, even before we announced the pregnancy and I would expect a friend to understand that.
Sorry if that’s a bit rambled but what I’m trying to say is, you can only do so much and really shouldn’t beat yourself up about it! Friendship is a two-way thing and there will be times when one person might have to give (in) more than the other. As long as you care about people and show them that, it really doesn’t – and shouldn’t matter, if a birthday card arrives a week late or you forgot to get back to their text yet again because you were dealing with baby sick 🙂
Almost two years ago now I had a very upsetting time due to the culmination of being let down by people and I have to be honest that it really hurt. It coincided with starting to plan my wedding and turned what should have been a very special time into a very lonely period (I promise I wasn’t be a bridezilla). Various things happened – one of my best friends moved to Wales (he has always been great and is there when I need him, but it just wasn’t the same not having him around and it took some getting used to), one of the girls I spent the most time with met a new group of friends through her boyfriend and literally just dropped me, and generally I was cancelled on at the last minute for almost everything – no exaggeration every time I had something planned it always fell through.
I don’t want this post to be all ‘woe is me’ but it left me feeling very paranoid that I was doing something wrong and it effected my husband a bit too as I was so unhappy. Anyway, in the end I made the decision to stop calling people and to cut a few ties and I felt so much more free and I found out who my few true friends were. I put myself out there and met new friends too through starting new hobbies. Of course we cancel on each other once in while but we know it is for genuine reasons. I will never begrudge a friend the opportunity to rest when she hasn’t slept in a week because of an ill child, or the only opportunity they have that week for a night in with the hubby – that is just life! Everyone needs their own space and the people in my group of friends now are well worth waiting for !!!
Claire B I totally understand – its a few years ago now but I was, what I thought, very good friends with a girl I was at uni with. After uni I moved home and she ended up working down the road from my flat, LITERALLY, I could see the shop from my front door. Anyway, I would call and text to arrange things and she would ALWAYS cancel, despite being walking distance away. I got fed up one day and decided to start an experiment…I stopped texting/calling to see when she would get in touch…that was 3 years ago and I still haven’t heard from her!!
A more recent occurrence was roughly last year, at a school friends memorial service (he lived and sadly died overseas and we were all class mates and good friends) it was like a school reunion but obviously nowhere near as fun due to the awful circumstances…I was there with 2 girls who I considered good friends but this became painfully clear throughout the day that they didn’t consider me in that light…to the extent that I found out that I wasn’t invited to my ‘friends’ hen do or wedding! We haven’t really spoken much since then and I’m not chasing them because it will only make me feel bad about myself.
I have decided I no longer have time for b*llshit and this can come in the form of b*llshit friends, situations or anything substandard. I will spend my time with those who I love and who show me love in return. It’s not rocket science, I’m not going to waste my energy on people who don’t care.
I’m in a similar situation as Louisa where most of my friends are now mums. I completely appreciate that their lives are massively changed and I love and adore their littles.
However, for the absence of the friends who have virtually disappeared and drifted away to their new ‘mummy’ friends, I feel sad. The best way to describe it is like they don’t consider me worthy of their time as a non-mum.
I have been having a bit of a rubbish time recently and I don’t feel I can unload on any of them as it would just be a bit selfish of me when they have so many other things to worry about….
Sorry for the long and slightly gloomy rant.
Let’s all go send a text or call one of those people you adore but haven’t seen in aaaages! X
Hi Sarah I feel so much for you. I have to say that I definitely prioritise those friends I knew before Hector came along over and above those I’ve made friends with since his arrival. It makes me sad that you’re feeling a bit lonesome without your friends especially when you’re having a rubbish time – if it was me I’d still want to hear your troubles so don’t assume that you can’t unload. You might be surprised about how much they want to help. Why not arrange a catch up with them one night over a glass of wine…
Thanks Lolly. I might do that.
I think all good friendships will go through periods where you don’t see/hear from each other as much as you’d like but it’s totally worth the effort when you do.
Hi Sarah
I replied a little further down without realising i could do that here! You’ve put it so accurately, I felt that my old best mate just didn’t value our friendship anymore, if she did surely she would have made more effort. However, I’m closer to other friends now, so it’s not all gloom and doom. This article really struck a chord with me, https://www.the-pool.com/life/life-honestly/2015/33/i-m-32-and-the-years-of-having-intense-female-friendship-feel-over
Louisa – this article sums it up beautifully. Thank you for sharing! x
I’m also struggling to see how you let your friend down and especially that it led to a month of not speaking.
I found out I was pregnant the day before we were due to go to a beer festival with friends so I too text my friend to say I was too ill and revealed all some weeks later as to why I was ill 😉 We also planned to have a party for my husbands 30th at our house however I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and not ready to tell the whole world so we made the decision to cancel the party and he went out with his friends instead.
My son is 21 months now, and in terms of friends drifting away, I think that is part of life moving on and gaining new friends in different stages of life. Whilst my friends are pretty much split 50/50 in terms of mums and non-mums, it was my NCT friends that I couldn’t have lived without as they were at the exact same stage in life as us and I’m pleased to say that I’ve managed to maintain my friendships with my existing friends too. I’ve definitely found that was always conscious of working hard to maintain my existing friendships but I’m lucky in the fact that all my friends understood too.
I know I’m rambling but I just want you to know that you’re not alone in how you are feeling and it certainly doesn’t make you a bad friend.
I don’t think you sound like a shit friend! And if you are, then I am worse. I rarely talk to my friends, I have to confess it is mostly done with friendly texts and occasional catch ups.
In terms of motherhood I didn’t feel like I lost friends, but I do have to work harder to see the friends I had & there are some I know I have neglected – particularly as they all live in various places around the UK and weekends can be busy. I made new friends through baby groups and on a day to day basis am in contact with them more than I am my “best friends” who aren’t local. None the less, when I do see those friends it feels like no time at all has passed and most are now mums/dads too, with similar problems and commitments!
Hi Sarah O
Thanks for your reply, it’s nice to hear from someone going through similar changes! There was a really good article on The Pool a little while ago that sort of touched on this that you might like to read https://www.the-pool.com/life/life-honestly/2015/33/i-m-32-and-the-years-of-having-intense-female-friendship-feel-over – I could really associate with it.
That article is brilliant and perfectly sums up how I have been feeling – I replied to a post further up.
I thought I was the only one who had less friends and as mentioned in the article I felt embarrassed about it!
I still have one very good friend who lives in Aberdeen and recently had a baby, but despite the distance and the baby, we still see each other every few months and the 2 of us and our husbands and the gorgeous baby spend the weekend together…mostly in our pjs which I am so thankful for and found very apt from the article.
Thankyou so much for posting the link 😀
Hi Lolly. Thank you for being so open and honest about your feelings. I think we all aspire to be the perfect wife, mother and friend, but unfortunately life gets in the way. I’m always being told by my wise mother why not think about what you do do instead of what you don’t. I think that the way you’ve explained your feeling proves you are a good friend. I don’t see there should be any difference if we’re single, married, a parent or not, a true friend should be loving and understanding all of the time. My closest friends are parents and recently I’ve had too cancel so many arrangements I’ve lost count, all due to someone being ill. It happens but that doesn’t stop you feeling guilty ‘I’ve let another friend down’, but I hope that doesn’t make me a bad friend it’s life with a family. What I’m trying to say is don’t feel so bad keep doing what your doing as it appears to me your doing a great job. (sorry for the ramble!!)
Your friend didn’t speak to you for a month because you didn’t go to a dinner party??? It’s not as if you didn’t go to her wedding, she needs to seriously loosen up. As the only one of my friends that has a child I think you do need to prioritise seeing them and not just boring on about ‘mum’ things, I’m very conscious that I don’t ALWAYS have babe in tow when I do things with my friends, nights out are the easiest in my opinion because baby is tucked up in bed and then you can go out and let your hair down to the wee hours. I would say though that ‘couple’ time and ‘date nights’ are non existent. I don’t mind though, because I know friends are more fickle than our marriage and I really don’t want to be seen as the ‘flake’. When baby’s big enough for willing babysitters I’m sure we’ll have lots of date nights.
Although not having children, I have two ill parents who depend a lot on me. As you can imagine this can be all consuming and pretty bleak sometimes, I have to force myself to see my friends and make time to do so, feeling in turn that I am a bad friend as I am not around enough for them, when I do they pull me into the light. I have a couple of friends who have just had children and our relationships are changing, some of them they feel like the same person and hilarious stories are paused to tend to baby and then continued, messages are returned and we do our best to check in on each other knowing that we all have commitments, another one makes me feel as if my silly single stories aren’t important anymore as she has a baby. I don’t know if this is in my head or if she actually feels like that. I do feel like a crap friend a lot, but I have to cut my self some slack, I cant be there for my family and there for every friend, although the guilt is. I also know that my friends know I will take their call in the middle of the night and send them flowers to make them smile and try and remember that actually babies or not, single or not, we all have our issues to carry around with us. I’m going to keep doing my best to not buy birthday presents last minute and send my valentines cards to my single friends, so yes I’m sure we could all make a bit more effort with our friends, but you can only spread yourself so thinly and we could also do with being a bit kinder to ourselves. Life is tough. Thanks for the article Lolly, its good/depressing to know so many people feel the same.