Lately, chatting with friends, the subject of friendship has come up a lot. More specifically how friendships change as you get older and you, or your friend, move jobs, cities, or countries; your friends have children and/or you have children, and how awful it feels when you realise you’ve been dumped by a friend.
I don’t have children but many of my friends do and my experience has been that nothing has really changed in our friendships when my friends have become mothers except that maybe now we stay in and catch up, as opposed to going out. In fact I’ve been lucky that since moving away from a 9 to 5 life several of my friends have been on maternity leave, freeing them up for relaxed lunches with the new addition to their family in tow, and consequently, in some instances, I’ve seen them more often than I did before. I love seeing my friends becoming brilliant mums, stepping up to all the various challenges that motherhood brings with intelligence and humour, as well as getting to know their little ones, of course, some of whom are not so little now.
I spent the second bank holiday weekend in May in Norfolk on a yoga retreat with my oldest friend. That’s oldest as in amount of years we’ve known each other, nothing to do with her age. The weekend was in lieu of birthday presents to each other for the milestone birthday we celebrated recently. We shared a twin room and wondered if maybe that’s how things will end up, with us in some kind of shared living situation, much more fun than some sort of home, we reckoned.
Other retreat goers [retreaters?] were surprised to hear that our friendship, which started in the first year of primary school in West Yorkshire, has lasted through one of us leaving school aged ten to live abroad for a year (me), both of us going to different universities, after which I headed to London to work and she spent a couple of years travelling and working abroad before moving to London too. After both living in the same city for a little while (albeit at different sides of it) she had her first daughter, then moved to the midlands, where she had her second daughter and has lived ever since.
Although we’re not in each other lives as much as we used to be (we sat next to each other every day in school, spent at least an hour on the phone every evening and were in lots of the same afterschool clubs and teams too) we’re still close. When I want to escape the city, I’ll go and stay with her for a catch up and some country air, and last summer her entire family managed to stay in my teen London flat. It was a squeeze but lots of fun (and the first time my mattresses had been turned into slides). We’re making a weekend away together an annual thing.
I’m proud to have lots of friendships that have lasted over a long period of time so I was pretty surprised when I realised that someone I’d been close to for a couple of years had effectively written me out of her life. Although it didn’t hit me as hard as a relationship break up in that visceral feels-like-you’ve-been-punched-in-the-stomach kind of way, mostly because there was no communication to say things were over – it was more a slow realisation over time – it hit me hard emotionally and made me question things about myself and our friendship. Because if someone who’d spent (a fairly significant amount of) time with me no longer wanted me in their life I’d not measured up (at least in her eyes) as a friend and perhaps she found me annoying, or boring, or… I could go on listing character traits all the way through the alphabet and still be none the wiser. I’ve considered dropping her a note, not to ask what went wrong, more to say I hope all is well with her but then I think maybe I should just let it go, remember the good times we shared and move on (it’s sounding more and more like a relationship break up, isn’t it?).
The friends I’ve made as an adult have been mostly through work, people who’ve been on my immediate team and people who worked for other companies who I met when we worked on projects together. Working in the wedding industry was brilliant for making friends. It is, as I’m sure you can imagine, a very sociable industry and people are (mostly) very friendly. Sometimes I’ve been surprised by the people who staying in my life after I (or they) have left a job. The people you thought were surefire we’ll-be-in-each-other’s-lives-forever kind of friends have slowly faded from my life and other people have unexpectedly become closer.
On the same yoga weekend that I spend with my oldest friend, in a full circle kind of way, I made a new friend. At least I think I did. It’s early days. We both love yoga (obviously) and are fans of east London where we both live, which is a good start. This past Saturday, a week after the retreat, we met up for a yoga class and then went for brunch during which I think possibly we slipped in a time vortex because two and a half hours later we were still talking and it felt as if we’d been there for ten minutes, just like old friends getting together for the first time in months. Imagine any number of happy emojis here.
What’s your friendship history? Have you found that your friendships have changed as you or your friends have had children, left the job you met at or moved away? How do you maintain your friendships? Ever been ‘let go’ by a friend? Do share below. And if you want to read more on the friendship theme do check out Rock My Wedding editor Fern’s lovely post about making friends as an adult here.
Miranda, what you said about being surprised by who has stayed in your life and who has drifted away is so true – looking back, I’ve realised that some of the friendships I thought were really solid were probably more about how easy it was to be friends (because we worked together/saw each other every day, etc). I don’t think there is anything wrong with that – every friend doesn’t have to be super deep and meaningful – sometimes you need casual friends and friendships that will fizzle out if circumstances change.
A lot of my friends are from school so I’ve known some of them since I was 6. We grew up together and have so much shared history that being friends is just EASY. I’ve also got some good friends from uni and from my first proper job when I moved to London. Maintaining friendships is easier when you have a very solid base to start off with – it means, if you don’t see each other for a few months, it doesn’t matter because it’ll be exactly the same when you do meet up again. A great friend that I met randomly when I moved into a shared house has just had a baby and we realised we hadn’t met up for about 6 months – but it was so awesome when we did and we’re now planning a trip to Paris in three weeks with another girlfriend. It’s not about how much you see each other, but how awesome it is when you do – that’s my motto anyway. 😉
You’re so right Kate, those work friendships that I thought would last but didn’t were based more on the fact that we saw each other every day and had shared things to talk about and when we no longer worked together we had a lot less in common. I love your motto, I have friends who live in different parts of the country, heck, all over the world (including several in Australia) so we don’t always get to see each other that often, but when we do, it’s like we saw each other just the other day.
Friendships definitely change as you head out of your twenties and on occasion it has hit me hard too. I haven’t had a set group of friends for some time now and I do miss being able to just call one or two people to suggest a bottle of wine and a catch up, knowing that a whole gang will turn up. I had a spell last year when I felt really lonely and I ended up in tears quite a few times as it is really hard to ‘put yourself out there’ as you get older and when your best efforts don’t seem to get anywhere it is very disheartening and I totally wondered if I was boring, annoying or even if I was smelly!!
Over the last year or two I have got to know a couple of girls pretty well and we get together when we can and each invite other friends too and I enjoy it so much. We get to meet people who are important to each other and extend our social circles a bit. We had a lot of fun on Saturday night!
This year I have decided to put myself out there again. My hubby and I do a pub quiz with some neighbours at least once a month (we have never won even though we had 10 people on our team one time), I have taken up yoga at my gym and have just joined a monthly book club – it is a good mix of people and it pushes me out of my own comfort zone a bit. The book club is also held in a great cafe so we have an excuse for some delicious food.
It was scary going to these groups on my own for the first couple of times but if you don’t try them you will never know who you might meet.
I’ve definitely had times when I’ve felt lonely too Claire, lots of my friends have left London over the years and having switched from an office job to a more freelance life has meant that I can spend a whole week working from home. I’ve enjoyed being back in an office for at least a day or two a week (sometimes more) since January but that will be coming to an end soon and I’m a bit worried about how I’ll cope. Clubs, courses and groups are definitely a good way to get to know people. The friends I’ve made as an adult have all been either through work or shared interests (mostly yoga, but that’s probably down to the fact I spend quite a lot of my free time doing yoga!). You’ve inspired me to look into summer courses and clubs. I quite fancy photography. Or maybe painting. Something creative!
Photography or painting sounds great. Keep us posted!
Love this post. This subject really resonates with me right now. A very difficult past 12 months, with bereavement, family illness and an ectopic pregnancy, has left me re-evaluating lots of things in my life, and during difficult times you really realise who is there for you and who isn’t. I’ve found it really surprising – well, devastating actually – that friends I’ve had for years, and been through everything together, haven’t even been able to pick up the phone to see how I am, yet much newer friends have been incredible in terms of supporting me. It makes me sad for friendships that are on the wane but also hopeful that it is still possible to make new friends, even in your mid-thirties!
Mia I’m so sorry to hear what a tough 12 months you’ve had and that some of your oldest friends haven’t stepped up when you needed them, but it’s good to know that your newer friends have provided great support. I hear lots of people in their 20s and 30s saying they have enough friends, but I don’t think this can ever be true. Obviously I value my old friends, but I love having new friends in my life too!
It might be that they have no idea what to say to you, especially given you’ve had so much going on. I think often people find it easier not to say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.
You might think this is tough on them and its time to let them go but you might find that if you make the first move, there might be a way back from it.
Hugs
I was ‘let go’ by my so called best friend after the birth of my daughter. She was my maid of honour and I was hers. To say I was devastated just doesn’t cut it. It’s been like a bereavement that still hurts me now. I too have questioned every part of my character to try to understand why. I think the answer lies more in her than it does in me, but I still miss the special kind of friendship and closeness we had which to this point hasn’t been replaced.
I had a best friend from when we met at 13 years old until a few years ago. She didn’t like it when I met my husband as she wasn’t centre of attention any more and things were very strained until she left to go travelling. We kept in touch but when she returned for a short time her attitude to my husband was the same. She never even sent a reply to our wedding invitation and I have barely heard from her since. I miss having someone I could tell everything to and don’t think I could ever replace this friendship.
That really is incredibly sad Claire B. I do wonder what makes some people throw away a friendship forged over many years?
It really did come out of nowhere and although it is sad losing a friend, I do think that in the long term it can be better to sever ties if people cannot be supportive and happy for you.
Oh Claire I’m so sorry to hear that you had such a devastating break up with your best friend. It really does make you question everything about yourself but, as you say, there’s every chance that it’s not you, it’s her, we just tend to blame ourselves when things go wrong.
Miranda this is such an interesting topic. I remember years ago (4?) writing a piece for Rock My Wedding (when it had more of my personal thoughts and RMS was a far away pipe dream!) ….about being ruthless and essentially breaking friendships that were no longer good/happy/equal. It seems quite cut throat now – I had a long term friend at the time (we had met in our early teens) that although there was no animosity as such, the relationship had become really hard work. A lot of take and no give, cancelling plans last minute….that sort of thing.
Anyway enough on that. I actually have more friends now that I’m in my thirties than I have ever had – still my old favourites 🙂 but also some lovely folks I have met through starting the company, the girls from NCT and all sorts of other ways and means.
I regard myself (without meaning to sound wanky) as fiercely loyal and I try really hard to keep in touch and see my friends as often as possible. It’s really great that your relationships with friends that are now Mums have stayed the same (but sort of changed – in a good way!) as I was worried that some of my single friends who don’t have plans for a family right now might not be so inclined to.. make so much of an effort I guess? And that as I couldn’t go out with a little one, maintaining a relationship would become more difficult.
I couldn’t have been more wrong – if anything I see/speak to one of my single friends who lives in London more often as we both make the effort to organise things in advance more. She has also been super amazing when it comes to Mabel and making sure I am ok.
I guess changes in circumstances highlight who the true friends are. The ones that are worth it will stick around xx
You’re so right Charlotte the people who are worth it will stick around, despite changes in both your circumstances, living in different places and so on. I also think that most of us grow and change so much through our 20s and 30s and, inevitably, two friends may change in different directions and so the friendship no longer provides one or both of you with what it once did. I suppose, like relationships, some friendships are right for a particular time in your life and shouldn’t be clung on to come what may. Which doesn’t make it any easier when they end. xxx
I remember that post!!
When people in your group start having kids, it can be really hard sometimes. My core group of four, two have kids, one is doing IVF and I’m sans bebes. Being completely honest, sometimes I’d love it if we could have a kid free weekend once in a while but that’s just not possible right now. I’ll still know those girls in 20 years when their (our) kids are grown up so it doesn’t really matter if our weekends now are spent playing miniature golf and staying in!! (plus I kick ass at miniature golf)
Haha, I suck at miniature golf Claire K! It won’t be long before you’re having child-free weekends, I’m sure. Two of my friends from school came down to stay a couple of times last year without their kids. It was such fun and, as much as I adore their respective families, lovely that it was just the three of us for a couple of days.
“wanky” I laughed a lot at that word and am going to use it in a sentence tomorrow no matter what! X
Being phased out by a friend can really feel like a relationship break up. I was best friends with a girl through our last few years at school and throughout college. We had shared interests and for about 3 years there was barely a day that went by that we didn’t see each other or at least speak on the phone. Then, I met a boy and that friendship completely disappeared. She decided (before meeting him) that she didn’t like him and refused to make any effort to get along with him. Eventually I realised that I was the one who was constantly making contact and making the effort to see her and once I decided to stop that I hardly heard from her again. Unfortunately I believe some mutual ‘friends’ were also stirring the waters up between us which probably didn’t help matters!
In my case I actually did drop her a note (admittedly a few years after it all happened) just to clear the air between us. Maybe if I had done this earlier we could have salvaged some of the relationship but honestly looking back now I’m not sure I’d want to. It hurt like hell back then but if I think about whether we’d still be friends now had it not happened, I don’t think we would be. Our shared interest has gone and we both live completely different lives. I still feel a pang of regret when I come across her on social media but it never lasts.
Meanwhile, the aforementioned boy will become my husband in 3 weeks time so I don’t think I did too bad 🙂 X
It certainly sounds like you did good Heather! You’re right, some friendships are based on shared interests and, once they’re gone, the glue that kept you together is no longer there. It’s no less sad though, but good to hear that the hurt has subsided. Wishing you all the best for a wonderful wedding! X
Friendship is such a difficult thing isn’t it? I am one of those people who has a small group of good friends, I’m not so good at making and keeping lots of friends (not really sure why, never have been despite my best intentions! I blame only child syndrome, I just need time on my own sometimes…!). So it really really hurts when you lose touch with people when you have such a small group. I am no longer in contact with anyone from my school days, I tried really hard with a few but, as for Heather, I discovered I was the only one ever making an effort, and when I stopped I never heard from them again. A one-sided friendship just didn’t seem right or fair. I also moved to London and started working before any of my friends, so I don’t think that helped with maintaining friendships, as I was the sensible one while everyone else was still a student. I work in a very small company now with noone else my age, so work relationships aren’t really a possibility. So I have to be content with the very good friends I have now, all from university, and I hope that, now I am going to be a mummy later this year, I will continue to build my friendship group as I meet other mummies through NCT, pilates and those sorts of things. It really is so hard though, I find particularly in London, working long hours, and when people are busy the whole time and struggling to keep up with their own circle of friends let alone spend time making new friends! And I really don’t think I am that difficult or antisocial generally, just one of those quieter types rather than the life and soul of the party. Maybe I need to work on that too!
While I have friends from school days Annie, I didn’t make any lasting friendships at university, which makes me a bit sad as most of my friends, both old and new, have lots of close friends from their university days. There’s lots of reasons why I didn’t get a place in halls and didn’t click with the people in my shared house at all. I was on a modular course and so as opposed to being with the same 30 people for most of my classes, I was with different people for everything from a base of over 500, making it hard to get to know anyone very well at all. Plus I spent most weekends with my boyfriend from home who, with hindsight, I probably wouldn’t have been together with for so long if I’d made more friends. Oh dear. So many of my friends have made really lovely new friends through NCT and so on. I’m sure you will too Annie. Good luck!
Ooh that was a long self-indulgent post, sorry!
Gosh what a timely post! I’ve just got back from having coffee with my oldest friend. We’ve known each other for almost 30 years. We realised the last time we had seen each other was before Xmas, but it was as if we had never been apart. I like when you have these friendships were you don’t have to see eachother often but nothing changes in the meantime, you just pick up where you left off.
Being ditched by a friend is awful. At least with a relationship you have maybe a rocky period and then the inevertable talk but with friendships that never seems to happen. It just a slow silent withdrawal. There isn’t any closure. It seems dishonest and cowardly. So sad.
A slow silent withdrawal, so well put Ali. The not knowing and lack of closure makes it so hard to deal with.
This post resonates with me so much. After having a baby I’ve gained new friends, seen some friendships fall to the wayside, and gained much stronger friendships with those who already have children. One of my best friends is someone I knew through my “party days” and it makes me so happy how our friendship has changed and strengthened even though we’re both totally different people now, and live miles apart. I think as you get older you realise which friendships are those worth investing in, and those which you perhaps don’t have as much time for these days.
So true Karen, and I love hearing that your friendship from your party days has become stronger even as you’ve both changed and despite the fact that you live miles apart!
I think I’ve been ‘let go’ as a friend; at least I think I have. I no longer hear from her and she doesn’t respond to any of my texts. It’s heartbreaking but I don’t blame her, since I’ve become a mum whilst renovating a house and working three days a week, trying to squeeze in family and friends has become a bit of a juggling act and if I’m honest I’m ready to collapse on the sofa most evenings rather than pop along to the local cocktail bar. I am extraordinarily lucky though with the friends I do have and which I see quite regularly all things considering. Coincidentally four of my friends who I’ve been friends with since school gave birth in the same year last year so we’ve been off on maternity together and there’s another four due this year too so things have fallen together serendipitously. I feel so thankful for that.
I am sad though for the friendships I’ve lost along the way though and Ali your comment about the slow silent withdrawal without any closure rung particularly true with me. I just have to think about all the amazing new friends I’ve gained on the way though to perk me up again.
It’s the not knowing that makes it so hard I think Lolly. How lovely that so many of your friends have given birth at a similar time. I know hearing from people who’ve been the first in their group to have children that it can be hard. It is sad thinking about friendships that have fallen by the wayside, but you’re right, think about the amazing people who are in your life now.
I think any big changes in your life really weed out the wheat from the chaff friend-wise.
I got dumped (pretty unceremoniously, no long drawn out withdrawal there!) by a friend who was getting married at the same time as I was getting divorced (I was her bridesmaid which didn’t help!). She just couldn’t get over some of the things that happened during that time (and though I hate the b/zilla word, I must admit, she did somewhat lose perspective on things!). I was sad at the time but now I look back and see that it was a friendship based on what she wanted all the time which is never healthy.
If your friends can’t get over the fact that you’re not up for cocktails (at least not for a while!!), it seems like a selfish friendship and maybe one you’re better off without.
Very timely post Miranda. We just found out last week that our best friends are leaving Dubai (where we live) at the end of the month and I couldn’t be more upset. We’re a small group of 3 couples and 1 couple have decided it’s the end of their time here very suddenly. We’re all very close, spend a lot of time together as well as Christmases and birthdays. When you don’t have your old friends and family around you your new friends become almost like your family so them leaving will be a big wrench for us. Dubai is a very transient place and almost every year one or more friends have left since we’ve been here and but I’m taking this departure particularly hard. I know we’ll make more friends (well, I hope we will) be it does become harder as you get older and I’ve started to think what’s the point when everyone just leaves! I’m just hoping we stay in touch. Having said that although I’m still in touch with everyone who has left bar one it’s never the same.
Moving out here also taught me who my real friends were at home which was a good thing. Almost felt I could have a clear out as only your proper friends stay in touch when you’re so far away.
I think I would find the transient nature of life in Dubai very hard to deal with Krysia. Having formed such a strong group I’m not surprised you’re upset to hear that one couple is leaving, and so suddenly too. Make the most of the time you’ve still got together, I hope you do all keep in touch and good luck with making some lovely new friends!
This is a timely post as just yesterday I was browsing the Internet to see if there were any local clubs I could join in order to meet new people. My husband and I moved to a new place around a year a go for my job, not knowing anyone locally. We both come from big, close families and have friends back where we’re from and very often our free time is taken up visiting them / them visiting us. I’m quite introverted and feel quite happy in my own company and consequently don’t feel like I make friends that easily / perhaps put enough effort into maintaining friendships, but I would like to establish roots a bit more where we’re living now and have a group of local friends. I feel like having kids would be the ‘magic key’ to new friends, but we’re a bit far off that yet. Not sure I’m brave enough to go to any clubs in the meantime!
I say keep looking for something locally Laura, they’ll be something that comes along that feels right, I’m sure. Or have your considered looking for some kind of volunteering opportunity in an area that interests you? Depending on the project you don’t always have to commit to volunteering once a week. If you enjoy running parkrun http://www.parkrun.org.uk/ which operates all over the country is brilliant.
This post, and the comments left, really resonates with me. While I am lucky enough to have a number of people I can call my closest and best friends, none of them are nearby to where I live any more and sometimes I do find that a bit of a struggle and a little upsetting at times as it can feel pretty lonely.
Where I currently live with my husband, I’ve found it hard to find like-minded people and have discovered that it can be quite clique-y (seriously, I thought in our 30s we would be past all this!!!)… there also doesn’t seem to be any obvious places to meet people (we don’t live in the most cosmopolitan of areas either!) and with both of us coming from very small families, we don’t automatically have that network of ready-made loved ones to spend time with. I’m hoping that when the time comes to hopefully extend our family then this will naturally create some opportunities…
It is tough when you don’t have close friends nearby and/or regular meet ups in the diary or clubs/courses/teams to join Kate. Even in a big city I feel a little lonely from time to time too, sometimes in London it seems as if everyone else is having fun as part of a huge group of people. I try to have two or three social get togethers or so a week in the diary, although sometimes it doesn’t work out that way and a really hectic week is followed by a very quiet one. Having a couple of things that happen most weeks is good too. Sunday (hot) yoga followed by brunch with one friend happens most Sundays now. I love that we’ve replaced nights out (and in, we used to be flatmates) drinking too much wine with Sunday morning sweat sessions!
As so often is the case with RMS this is a timely post for me. I’m pregnant with my first baby and I’ve been really hurt by the lack of interest my best friend has shown. She hasn’t really asked me about it/how I’m feeling at any point even at “big” moments like the 20 week scan and I’ve found that difficult. Of course I appreciate that just because it’s all I think about doesn’t mean that it’s that interesting to other people, but I’ve had some anxious moments and I’ve felt a bit let down that she’s not really been there for me. She’s at a completely different life stage to me and I guess that plays a big part in it so I suppose maybe this is the time that we will inevitably drift apart. I can’t help feeling sad about it though.
Katie
I’m so sorry to hear that your best friend hasn’t shown the interest in your pregnancy as you would have hoped for Katie. Perhaps she’ll come into her own when your baby arrives. I like that I have friends who are at all different life stages, from people in their 20s who are in their first or second job in London, through people who have newish babies, to those whose children are not far off secondary school, to others who are starting their own businesses, to people whose children have grown and left home. It keeps life interesting!
I agree that having friends at all different life stages keeps things interesting – it’s never bothered me before (and nor does it now) but I wonder perhaps whether she feels that this is something that she’s not able to engage with because it’s so different to her current life experience. I don’t want to just talk about the pregnancy – far from it – but some acknowledgement that there’s something massive happening to me would be nice. It’s a friendship worth working for though so I will keep making the effort!
I think friendships can become harder to maintain as you get older simply because life gets busier with work, relationships, kids etc.
I’ve definitely found some friendships have suffered a bit more when people have children. Not all of them but I do feel excluded if I’m out with friends and that’s all they talk about. . Not all my friends with children are like this and I have had lovely lunchies with one of my close friends when she was still on maternity leave.
I love the long term friendships were it doesn’t matter if you don’t see each other for months you just fall back into your friendship. There are 2 friends I’ve known since I was about 8 and they both live quite far away so we can go ages without speaking but when we do manage to meet up it’s fab and I always have the best time.
I don’t understand people who as soon as they get in a relationship or have a family isolate themselves. Friends are so important – I’d be nowhere without my lovely peeps 🙂
I think I was guilty of not spending enough time with friends when I was in relationships as a teenager and in my early twenties Lynn, but, over time I’ve come to realise that my friendships are just as important as my relationships. Luckily some of my friends from those days have stuck around!
I think this is a really interesting post and a conversation I have a lot with friends. I think there is always the reality of ‘growing out’ of friendships. Just because you have known each other for years doesn’t necessarily mean you continue to have things in common.
Having recently got engaged when it came to choosing bridesmaids I was surprised at how I came to such instant decisions on one of my oldest (and what I class as my BFF!) friends, a friend from sixth form and a recent friend who I worked with and consequently lived with in London. They are all from totally different parts of my life but mean so much to me and I am close to all of them.
For everyone who has fallen out of contact with friends, it does happen, and it does hurt, particularly if you feel like the wronged party. I fell out of contact with my oldest (in years of knowing her!) friend, no argument happened, we just went our separate ways in life and stopped being in contact. I now live 10 miles from her family home and turns out she has moved about 30 mins away from there and we got back in touch, have been for a coffee/drink a couple of times and she invited me as an evening guest to her wedding last month. It was SO lovely to go and to see her school friends who I used to hang out with and her family who I spent so much time and several holidays with. There were no bad feelings at all just real happiness that even if 10 yrs go by with no contact, it really doesn’t feel like it when you have had a solid foundation of friendship.
I love the fact that you knew instantly who to choose as your three bridesmaids Milly, and that they represent such different parts of your life. And how lovely to catch up with your old friends. You’re right, with that solid foundation of friendships the number of years apart doesn’t mean a thing.
This post has been great to get these feelings off my chest because when I have tried to talk to people about feeling left out or let down I have just been told it’s natural not to hear from people as you get older – which is true to an extent – but I was made to feel immature and stupid for mentioning it. I wasn’t talking about going out raving every weekend, it was an offer of calling round for a cup of tea on the way home from work or just grabbing an hour for a chat while walking the dog. I find it hard to believe people can’t find a hour a couple of times a year to stay connected.
I’ve noticed that we seem to be mostly referring to other girls in these posts and sometimes we don’t realise what great guy friends we have. When my gran died a couple of months ago the only people who actually picked up the phone and called me was a guy in Australia and another guy in Wales, I have known both of them around 14 years. Yay for boy-friends !!!!
You’re so right Claire, one of my guy friends sent a lovely email after my mum died and included some of his memories of her from when we used to hang out at my house, it was so thoughtful!
This is such an interesting post! The problem with friendships is that they’re as complicated as relationships, but you don’t discuss it together as honestly in the same way.
I confess, I am definitely a quality over quantity person when it comes to my friends, as is my husband. Since leaving home at 19, I’ve never stayed in one place for more than six years. I’m hoping to stay put for many years where i am now, having found our forever home last year! Yay!
This hasn’t made making friends easy, and the friends I have are inevitably scattered all over the place, not very many of them nearby. This also makes seeing them and maintaining those friendships quite tricky, we aren’t so good at getting together, but what’s app helps(!), and with FB we keep up with the every day stuff. When we do meet, it’s just fab, it’s like no time has passed and we slip into those easy, comfy friendships that we all love.
That said, I confess that I have definitely phased out a few friends over the years. Like I said, I’m quality over quantity, and sometimes I cannot be bothered in trying to maintain a friendship which is more hard work than rewarding, when it’s more give than take, for too long. Of course any friendship is liable to a bit of compromise, when the chips are down I like to think I’m helpful, supportive and always at the end of a phone. I expect the same from my friends, even if I don’t take them up on the offer.
What I do find hard is people who totally disappear when a new relationship comes on the scene, when a new baby means a normal conversation seems out of bounds for more than six months, when they’re so busy I have to book them for an hour six months ahead (seriously, no-one is that busy without having self-cultivated such an existence, isn’t it all a bit ‘look-at-how-in-demand-I-am!?), and if you criticise my lifestyle or opinions, I am just not going to want to spend my time with you. Our differences are what makes life fun, and friends should celebrate that and help each other out, not make you feel sad, inadequate or uncomfortable. It takes me a long time to consider whether a friendship is worth sticking with, but once I’ve made up my mind to let it go, I do just give up all contact. I’m not about to make the situation worse by telling the person what I don’t like about them, I’d rather things just ‘fizzled out’ than being nasty.
I think this makes me sound horrible, but I’ve only done this about five times in my entire life!! And, honestly, I’ve felt better for it in the long run. I would say, if you think you are being phased out, to have a long hard look at yourself as a friend and whether you are giving what your friend needs. If you think you are then let it go, it’s clearly just not going anywhere anymore. But maybe there is something you can do or change to make those old friendships last longer?
How right you are Faye, friendships are without a doubt as complicated as relationships. And I can see why having things fizzle out is preferable. You don’t sound horrible at all, it sounds as though you really value your friendships and that you put a lot of thought into considering whether to stick with a friendship or not. Thanks for your thoughts!
Last year a friend suggested I was ignoring her and had dropped her. She had had a baby. I did not mean to but had been busy in my own life with an intense time at work, getting married and various other things. With hindsight I should have been more thoughtful and made a more conscious effort. It also made me think had she always been there for me? The answer was no. The most difficult time in my life when I suffered a bereavement she went AWOL. As it stands I am trying to mend bridges but am not sure whether the friendship will survive. These things are rarely simple…
Just catching up with this post and the comments. Can empathise with a lot of things here. I’ve moved a lot in the last 15 years and am not physically close to friends and family. I also feel I’ve been dropped by a friend who had a baby about 18 months ago. We don’t live close, which never helps, and she’s not on Facebook (I know some people don’t like Facebook, but it really helps keeping in touch) and it’s sad.
Might this be the time to suggest a meet up? Anyone in London and fancies a Friday/Saturday evening drink? I’m based in central London for work!
Yes!
Yes! Count me in
Great!
Can the lovely Rick My Style team share my email with anyone who wants to come along to a meet up so I can organise a location/dates, rather than post on an open thread? Ta!
Sorry typing on my phone in Topshop… Do excuse my typo!
RMS social club!!
I don’t know if this will ever happen but would be keen myself!
I feel like I set a pattern early, changing schools often and leaving friends behind. I have done this so many times as an adult too, trying to maintain friendships as our lives change. Moving away doesn’t help. There are very few friends who make the leap each time, and they are very special.
We live in a little town where most people have known each other since school. Trying to break into well established friendship groups is exhausting but we keep trying
Ooh this has hit a chord! I’m in my early 30s and now find myself with friends scattered all over the world and barely any left in London, where I live. It can be lonely. Whilst I can pick up easily with my close friends when we do see each other and social media is wonderful for keeping up to date with their lives, having a small gang that you see on the regular is something I really miss.
I love this post and it actually makes me tear up a little.
I lived abroad for a number of years and got used to friends moving on every one or two years. Since being back in the UK I’ve found it hard to get really close to people, as it’s strange to know they aren’t going anywhere.
I had some good friends who recently haven’t been responding to texts or messages about catching up. There’s been some tears over what I have done wrong. It’s great to know I’m not the only person going through this.
I’d love a meet up! I’m in Surrey so London is easy.
Way behind on this one, but can resonate with every comment here! Have often found the same thing – always making the effort myself with friends and never having replies back to text messages etc. It has made me question if I am boring or socially awkward (which just isn’t the case) and I have felt on occassions very upset and very very lonely.
Apart from some uni friends who moved to London after graduating I have found it hard to make new friends (outside of work). Everyone scurries around in their own world and life in London and always seems too busy or preoccupied to make an effort with new people – very sad.
I do cherish the small number of close friends I have but just wish I could find a way to make new friends in London!