I realise I am yet to write my “juggling a new baby and my own business” post yet, to be honest I feel I actually need a bit more experience in order to put the feature together, or maybe it isn’t “one” feature at all, if I was to include every single aspect of what’s going on right now it would be the longest piece I’ve ever written. And I’m sure most of you would get bored. Instead I’m going to try and share a few of the immediate decisions I was faced with and the subsequent conflicts and resolutions.
I fell pregnant very quickly, it was an extremely welcome but completely unexpected surprise. Having a baby was not in my 2014 business plan. Being truthful there were (and still are) far too many projects in the pipeline for the team to manage as it was this year without me dropping brand new Mama status into the mix. After the initial euphoria (and let’s face it, a reasonable dose of fear) I knew I needed to figure out what the bloody hell I was going to do in terms of time off and inevitably going “back” to work far sooner than perhaps I would have liked.
The key to all of this has been that I have a supportive and talented bunch of folks who work for my company, if I didn’t I would be up the creek without a paddle. Or a boat. Even though I was concerned about my predestined absence everyone else seemed pretty cool, calm and collected about it, or at least they were in my presence, which was much appreciated. More on that in a later post.
After much consideration I figured I could take eight weeks/two months maternity leave – being on call for anything urgent and keeping up to date with emails and end of month reporting. I would then need to return, at least a few days a week to begin with. I figured all of this would be viable providing I came back full time at some point in June and that Mabel was as healthy as anyone would hope.
This was all very well and super organised of me, but in practice what would I actually do with Mabel when I was working? I don’t, by any stretch of the imagination, have a straight forward 9-5 job* and I wasn’t naive enough to believe I could necessarily work to full capacity whilst feeding, changing, entertaining and generally managing the wellbeing of a newborn. James and I discussed the options at length and approached our parents with the view to them potentially helping out, at least until Mabel was old enough to attend nursery. My parents have Mabel on a Monday (they pick her up at 8.30am and bring her back at around 5pm, they live about five minutes away) and James’s Mum comes all the way from Cheshire on a Wednesday to mind Mabel at our home. More recently my sister is able to manoeuvre her shifts (She is an air hostess and a free lance make-up artist) so that she can look after her niece one afternoon a week. I know, I am incredibly lucky that I have all of this help from family and I am eternally grateful.
This realistically leaves two and a half days a week for James and I to find alternative arrangements. When Mabel was 9 weeks old we went to look at a brand new nursery very close to where we live with the view to her attending at least one day a week, two days when she was a little older. The nursery was amazing in terms of facilities, like nothing I have ever seen or heard of before, the staff were lovely and the children all seemed extremely happy. In reality I couldn’t have wished for a more perfect place to send my daughter.
I asked what the minimum age requirement was for enrolment, they told me it was 12 weeks. I asked what the youngest age of the current babies were in what would be the group that Mabel would join, they told me 12 months. I felt like the worst mother in the world and promptly burst into tears. How could I seriously choose my career over the best thing that ever happened to me?
The 12 week mark has well and truly passed and I am yet to pay my deposit for her nursery place. On the days I don’t have help from grandparents or aunty Melissa I manage as best I can. This usually involves starting very early and catching up on the time I missed during the day in the evening when James returns home. At the moment this is just about manageable, Mabel is a happy little soul and is fairly regular in terms of when she takes a nap – from Midday until about 3pm, I endeavour to utilise this three hour period for tasks that require 100% of my undivided attention.
Every day Mabel becomes more and more alert, and it won’t be long before I will be unable to achieve very much of anything at all. A few friends of mine have found their littles (anywhere between 4-12 months) frequently catch illnesses from nursery and it’s become counter productive – the expense that’s incurred and the subsequent days spent with an unwell small person. I’ve not really had the time to really carry out adequate research into a nanny/childminder but I am aware it’s a significant financial commitment and that my situation is quite unique – I would only need someone part-time and no week is the same in terms of my hours.
When I send Mabel off with her Nana and Grandad on a Monday morning I feel equal parts blessed and devastated, who ships their baby off for the day from 8 weeks old? The last few weeks it’s been as if she knows, as soon as I put her in the carseat the bottom lip goes, her eyes go wide and then the uncontrollable crying starts. It’s all I can do not to pick her up and keep her at home with me. Much like my first visit to the nursery, I feel like the worst mother in the world.
I love my job. Really I do. And I feel guilty for loving it, hell I feel guilty every day for something or other to do with not dedicating enough of my time to my baby. And I’m sure I’m not alone. As Mabel gets older I’m positive it will get easier – I also have friends whose children have thrived at nursery and thoroughly enjoy the experience.
In an ideal world I would have had more time to spend just Mabel and I, I am never going to get this time back and when I give it too much thought it makes me very sad indeed. But I know this situation is just temporary, and that in the not too distant future it will all be worthwhile. I work this hard for myself but ultimately?
I do it for her.
As always, your thoughts and advice is most welcome in the comments box below.
*Whenever I hear the expression “9 to 5” the Dolly Parton song of the same name plays in my head. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I can’t help it. It made me have the uncontrollable shoulder-shake giggles in an interview once. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.
I feel your pain! I’m getting ready to start a new job next week, my first ever 9-5 after years of retail hours, Dolly Parton is my inner theme tune whenever I think about my new job!! It’s exciting because it’s new and I’ve always wanted to get away from working evenings, weekends, bank holidays and Christmas but going from maternity leave to that kind of job is making me see the negative side. I don’t want to leave Effie. I cry when I think about it.
I’ve been really lucky, she turns 9 months old on Wednesday and I am so happy I spent the time with her but it doesn’t change the fact that I want more. If being at home with her was financially viable I would do it without a second thought. BUT.
You have a job that you love, this is your passion and that’s not something to be taken lightly. I hated my job, it paid the bills but it was soul destroying.
My advice would be to enjoy the best of both worlds for a bit longer, I guess it’s hard to do both but so worth it. Or ease yourself into the nursery thing and take Mabel for a half day and ask your sister to pick her up for the other half? That way you can test it out a little bit before committing to whole days but you’re still getting a whole day of productivity. It’s at times like these that I wonder how my husband really felt going back after just two weeks, we’ve talked about it of course but boys never really open up as much as us girls!! Don’t feel bad Charlotte, it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job with juggling both and if it makes it any better your posts like these ones really reassure me that I’m not alone. Mabel is very lucky xx
Ha ha ha that’s a good way to describe it – my inner theme tune! 9-5 definitely has it’s plus points – I can see that now more than ever.
I think the half day a week is a good idea, she’ll probably love it and rather be there than home with me! It’s interesting you mention how your husband felt, I know James found it really difficult – and still does now, he really looks forward to the weekend and tried to come home at least one lunchtime a week x
Whatever you do, do not beat yourself up about this. You are not the worst mum in the world, you are the best that Mabel could wish for and believe me she doesn’t hate you! It is not easy deciding what to do and all depends on your circumstances with both work and family. When I had my first little girl I was in the manic world of advertising and was lucky enough to be able to take nearly 14 months off. On returning to work my mum had her 2 days and she went to nursery 2 days. She wasn’t the biggest fan when I dropped her off but despite the tears I knew that she would be fine the moment I left and she was. The only thing I didn’t like was the long days as she was so tired by the time I got her at 6 as she didn’t have her usual 3 hour lunchtime nap but she, and I, got through. I will second the illness thing. In the 6 months Molly was at nursery she picked up more bugs than ever so I was constantly racing home to get her or making alternative arrangements (aka my mum) to have her. I know quite a few people who return very quickly to work and their babies have been fine in nursery at a young age. They just make sure they spend lots of quality time with the little ones when they aren’t working. Some do half days so that the little one’s aren’t in for such a long time. A mix of grandparents and nursery is a great combination. Whatever you do you will make it work and mabel will thrive I’m sure. x
I know what you mean about the long days – the flexibility will be welcome but on the other hand I don’t like the idea of her being there from essentially 7.30am until 6 (which will be very likely when I have meetings in London etc)
I guess I’ll just have to risk the illness thing – and make sure my parents are around if it’s a day when James or I are unable to pick her up in any kind of short time frame, he travels as much (if not more) than me. x
I know it must be really hard to step back and not feel guilty but, honestly it sounds like Mabel is one lucky little girl! She gets to spend the majority of days with mum and dad but then also gets one day with one set of grandparents, another day with her other grandmother and another half-day with her auntie – fabulous! I know you feel guilty because this may not be your obvious choice if you didn’t have a job but, honestly, I think it’s really healthy and lovely that your daughter will grow up close to her extended family like that. It’s so important but sometimes can be overlooked because people feel like (1) they should be minding their baby 24/7 and anything less than that is a failure and (2) it’s too much to ask their parents/family to do this when, often, their family would love to!
I also think it’s good for kids to spend some time becoming socialised to other people/other children. My mum didn’t work and so the first time I really had to ‘leave’ her was when I was dropped at kindergarten for the first time age 4. I can clearly remember my feeling of “I’m sorry, what? I’m staying here and you are leaving? UH NO THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I FIND ACCEPTABLE” (followed by a massive tantrum obvs). I was actually fine from Day 2 because being at home while my older bro went off to school was actually super boring but it was a bit of a shock to suddenly find I was expected to be an independent little kid. Getting them used to not having you around all the time is healthy, I think.
I guess my (garbled) point is that, while you feel guilty, there are lots of benefits and positives that your current set-up is bringing to your daughter, even if it doesn’t feel like it! I’m not sure there is a way to help you stop feeling guilty but a huge chunk of that is society’s unrealistic expectations of ‘mothers’ which hasn’t caught up with the modern day. You aren’t doing anything wrong and Mabel looks gorgeous and loved and happy – and that’s all that matters. 😉
We’re looking at getting married next year and will start hopefully having kids straight away (because I’m 32 – omg when did I get so old!). I’ve accepted that my career is going to have to take a back seat for a few years probably but (1) I have that luxury because I’m employed in an organisation that offers maternity leave/flexible working etc and (2) I don’t actually like my job all that much so am happy to do that! I definitely think that you’ll be an excellent role model for Mabel who will see her mum working hard and enjoying what she does – something for her to aim for when she grows up!
You are absolutely right Kate – it does make for a sociable baby, Mabel is always good with “new” people and I think starting her off from such a young age with various family has helped.
I should look more at the positives I know!
I do wonder about the grandparents and that it may be a little unfair, they’ve all only recently retired and I don’t think looking after a tiny baby every week was in their plan either! At the moment they all seem to be enjoying it though so I’m keeping schtum 🙂
Thanks for such a heartfelt post Charlotte.
Mr H and I attended a wedding last Friday and I have a very straight talking auntie who inevitably asked the question “when are you having children?”, without quoting her word for word she actually made me feel really rubbish for putting my business first, like I was the worst wife and daughter in the world in fact.
Friday night I literally fell asleep crying wondering if I was being selfish and if she was right. It’s the feelings you describe above that I’m dreading and with only me behind the business right now I just know the timing is not right. My mother has recently told us she will promptly quit her job and look after her grandchildren 5 days a week for me when it’s right for us. I know I’m incredibly lucky, but I know I will get the same feeling as you do when Mabel leaves with her grand parents.
I really don’t know what the solution is but I know one day Mabel will definitely know and appreciate that your job, business and everything you do was to ensure she never had to go without and that she has a mam that truly loves her.
It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job of perfecting that juggling act!
Helen xx
I don’t know why folks ask that question, it’s really quite personal! Don’t feel bad though, when the time comes the help from your Mum will be amazing and you’ll cope just fine – You just do.
I don’t think there is a solution as such, it’s more the fact Mabel is so very little, I feel I should have given her the first 6 months at least. Having said that the time is flying by and before you know it she will be 6 months! x
It’s bloody hard whichever way you do it. If you don’t work at all there will be some folk that think less of you for it. If you work part time you will feel like your mind is never fully on what you are supposed to be doing as you slip between work and home. And if you work full time then you will feel guilty and again some people will judge! What matters is what you think and how you feel about it. I am sure that growing up with a mum who is passionate about what she does is what is best for Mabel. I grew up with a mum who was passionate about what she did – she worked really hard looking after 3 of us full time and it was lovely. But if she hadn’t wanted to do that I can’t imagine it would have been much fun.
Personally I have my son in nursery 1.5 days a week and my mum has him the other 1.5 days that I work. I like nursery as it’s a little bit more flexible – they have the space for extra sessions when needed, I’m not relying on 1 person to be well or working around their holidays, and he isn’t getting his routine disrupted for school runs or catering to older kids in summer holidays etc. The facilities in the nursery are lovely and the staff are all really calm and caring. The babies are always comforted if they cry. I did prefer the idea of a childminder when I first started looking but struggled to find anyone without a personal recommendation to go on. We had some problems at first with crying and a hunger strike(!) when he first went but he has now settled really well and is always happy when I sneak in and watch before collecting him. I also feel like I don’t have to cram our 2 days together with activities as he has had plenty of social interaction earlier in the week.
Remember nothing is set in stone and you can always change things if you feel like your arrangement isn’t working out.
I was out with the girls from my NCT yesterday Kathryn and we had exactly that discussion – there is no “right” answer/option for maternity leave/taking time out from your career and no matter what you decide to do someone somewhere will have something negative to say about it. You just have to ignore it as best you can – I lost count of the disapproving looks I received when I said I was going back to work after 2 months.
You sound as though you have a sensible set-up, and your nursery sounds similar to the one we visited….a hunger strike?! good grief! something like that would probably send me into a tail spin, good for you taking that in your stride.
Interesting point about the activities – Mabel would get lots of stimulation that I just physically can’t offer at home x
He was 13 months when he started so the not eating or drinking thing was less worrying as I knew he was pretty healthy and would make up for it when he was with me! I think it shows what a strong will he has though…crazy little boy! He has developed lots of skills while being there, sharing for example, he is very good at sharing so far. Although he did learn to say ‘mine’ 2 weeks ago and we are hearing that a lot now!
Ha ha ha! my favourite word was always “why…..”!
Makes a change from ‘this!’ usually repeated in an urgent tone, pointing indiscriminately at several items at once none of which are suitable for his little hands.
This post is really timely for me as I go back to work next week following maternity leave. I enjoy my work and am looking forward to returning part-time, and I am happy with my decision to send my daughter to nursery 3 days a week as she is a nosey, sociable creature and I think she’ll have a great time at nursery, however I do still feel guilty not to be able to stay at home longer with her. I do also feel there can be a lot of expectations on mothers on what is best and it can be difficult to ignore this to do what is best for our own families and circumstances. Anyway I just wanted to say that I feel your pain.
Thanks Tinny, I’m glad you enjoy your job and are happy with your decision – that’s the main thing. There are so many expectations – I can’t keep up with all the differing opinions! x
Hi Charlotte. Your post really broke my heart as I have a young baby too and I can really feel your pain. As mums we will feel guilty about everything, all the time: Shall I go back to work ? Do I work too much ? Even non working mums feel guilty that their child don’t socialize as much. I guess the most important is to have quality time with our little ones and as much of it as possible.
And if it helps put things in perspective, the one year maternity break is very much a British thing: nearly all mums in France go back to work after 2/3 months and as far as I’m concerned, French kids are as happy as British kids! 😉
Hi Mini me! Thanks for the reminder – you are quite right, French women do go back far earlier (I have always harboured a secret desire to be super sophisticated and French….) and I’m sure the children are just as happy. I was warned about the guilt, I just didn’t expect it to be an hourly occurrence! you live and learn as they say x
Whilst I can’t share much personally as I have no kids, my oldest sister was in a similar predicament as she had her babies and lives away so no family nearby and is a career woman who works incredibly long and demanding hours. She had to go back to work soon and put her babies in nursery/childcare from 8 weeks old for quite long hours but hey it’s their gain in the long run. They will have a lovely life and university paid for and nice family holidays and travel which many don’t. They get to socialise with other kids and have never complained as they’ve gotten older. One goes to a breakfast club before school and an after school club but he also has tennis lessons and cricket lessons and lots of other fun things in their time off. Everybody has diff ways of doing it and just cos you have a career that’s important doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have children. It’s just managing as best you can. Mabel is lucky to have lovely parents. Also get a post done on your hair colour ASAP as mine just goes grey rather than that lovely white colour!! Xx
Clubs are great – come to think of it I used to dance a lot as a small child and I loved it, I would have gone more often if I could! It’s reassuring to hear there are other Mamas in exactly my predicament.
The key to non grey is wash with normal shampoo first and at any sign of a grey tinge simply stop using the purple for a while – its a management/maintenance thing! x
Well this post could not be more timely. I have only this morning handed my letter in to inform my head teacher (I am a secondary school teacher) of when I intend to start maternity leave. Returning to work is already a daily worry for me, I am hoping to approach my school about possibly returning part time only, but they can of course say no. Then I will be faced with a decision about whether I feel happy working full time or not, and who will look after our baby if I do. Then I need to decide when to return – do I go back in July and thus get paid for my summer break before re-starting at the start of a new school year (best option for me) but then leave a 5 month old baby in child care, or do I go back later on in November, but risk being a bit broke by the time I return. Ugh, it all makes me feel very worried. When I spoke to my mum about it all she just said ‘welcome to parenthood’ I am her eldest child and she still worries about me 30 years on! I guess we all just have to do what is best, but not necessarily perfect and embrace the worrying – its here to stay!
Rant over.
Hi Georgina, one of my teacher friends is in a similar situation to you with the break/getting paid scenario, she has decided to go back earlier so she can benefit from the Christmas holidays. How long do you have to decide? it seems a shame to really worry about it now – although I’m a fine one to talk! x
Oh I have ages to decide! But I secretly like a good worry I do! 🙂
Leo has been in nursery since he was just under 6 months old. I don’t have any family close enough to help out and be here with him so I had no choice. I worked for 2 months with him from home from 4-6 months… absolute nightmare. I was stressed, felt like I was ignoring him (how flippin’ awful) and had to make my decision; either stop working and be a full time Mom or actually retain some of my self and send him to nursery and make a go of my career.
Touch wood he’s had no illness related to nursery. Sometimes I think parents mistake teething for illness? ‘Oh he’s been to nursery once and now look he’s all snotty and miserable and ill’… erm, nah, think he’s probably just teething.
Leo has thrived. He is ahead of many of his peers who didn’t start nursery until they were one. I LOVE my job. I love it. Not as much as I love my child and he will obviously always come first but unless I also make time for me and time to fulfil my goals I think I would go mad. I am ambitious. I want him to be ambitious and he’s not going to see that unless I show him the way. And I think the best way for me to do that is to successfully build my business. That way he will also get to live a good life, I’ll be able to give him the things he needs and some little pleasures along the way.
He’s having a phase at the moment where he screams when I leave him at nursery. I run out of the door. I feel awful. But I know after 5 minutes and a bowl of Weetabix he will be happy as larry and love learning new things and playing with his class mates.
It’s SUCH a challenging time. I have found that I have totally had to separate my work and Leo time. Everything we do from the moment we find out we are pregnant is for this new little life. Everything. And that includes being selfish. It is not good for our babies for us to be with them but in the back of our minds thinking about the next shoot or the next client. I don’t even look at my laptop or emails when I’m with him because it’s just not worth it (it’s taken me over a year to get to this separation point). 1, if I take my eyes off him for a second he’s at the top of the stairs (true story. I nearly died.) and 2, I am learning to thoroughly enjoy my time with him and switching off from work has helped me to do that. And I know those 2 days when he’s in nursery (debating putting him in a third day at the moment… but JEEZ I think I’ll miss him?!) I can get my head down, crack on and work my ass off.
You are doing a marvellous job. Mabel loves you so much and she will be SO proud of you when she is old enough to be able to understand everything you do and the sacrifices you make. I’m telling you this because it’s what I have to tell myself when he cries in my face as I leave the door.
Working Moms rule.
x
Becky you are like super Mum – especially as Leo is a live wire (albeit the cutest one on the planet)
I will remember the teething tip – Mabel’s already getting there I think, she puts everything in her mouth! and I hope to get to that stage where I can switch off and not check my emails (having access to everything on my phone so easily doesn’t help.)
I am also ambitious, perhaps more than I make out, it’s almost a dirty word to some, especially when you are also trying to raise a family.
Thanks for telling me what you tell yourself – I’ll make it my mantra x
I don’t have my own kids yet so I come at this from a slightly different angle but when my mum had my brother and I she was at home all through our toddler years, fast-forward to her second marriage and 2 more small children close together, she was in a completely different scenario. A full-on, high responsibility position running an organisation, like you regular maternity leave not really an option. It was entirely gut-wrenching leaving them in the nursery HOWEVER they made friends there as they got bigger, became independent happy people with their own friends and parties etc and are well adjusted kids and do not remember or feel that they were left. There isn’t a right or a wrong way, just the way that works for your family. Sounds like you are doing a great job at it and she will be so proud of you when she’s older.
That’s the thing Caoimhe, Mabel won’t even remember this time in her life, hopefully she’ll just be a well adjusted social kid who understands her Mum loves her job and worked hard, as per your Mum though, it does feel gut-wrenching….at the time. And you are right, I just need to find the way that works for us x
I’m due to give birth to my first child in just under three weeks and your post could not have come at a more relevant time for me and my husband. As I’m also self-employed, childcare is something we’ve been discussing in detail as we don’t have family members to call upon to help. Really I think that you wouldn’t be who you are if you didn’t work and going back part-time sounds like the best option. It’s what I’ve decided to do after two months off and then take the baby to nursery for two half days a week at four months old, while my husband does the weekend half day shifts when I work, and then we’ll increase to two whole days at nursery a couple of months after that. I guess we have to risk the whole illness thing as they need to pick up the bugs sometime..and hope that we all gain instead from the baby socialising with others. You sound like you’re doing everything right and I’m guessing that all parents wish they could spend more time with their children x
I guess they do Lisa, I know James finds it difficult when he’s had a few long days in a row and hasn’t had the chance to see Mabel all that much. I think I’ll start her off slowly lil you are – maybe half a day and then increase it once I’m a little less heart broken by the whole thing!
And yes – they absolutely have to get all these bugs at some point , and if it’s not nursery then it will certainly be school! x
Hi. My sister has just fwd your blog to me as I am 24 weeks pregnant and already looking ahead at going back to work within 4 months. Although she normally disagrees with this, for me she says it’s different – at least one person understands!
I have a great job and have worked all my life and being an ‘older first time parent’ at 43yrs old I am keen to continue my career, it took me a long time to get to my position. It’s not about the money, I like working, I’m good at what I do and don’t want to stop.
Babies weren’t top of my life list, I’m pleased I am pregnant, it was something Mr S wanted and we are very lucky it happened as quickly as it did. Although the timing isn’t great, but then timing was never one of my strong points!
Ok, if I won the lottery and could do whatever I wanted then it would be a job that I could easily juggle with a baby.
That said, I know I won’t get those first few months of time back with my baby but right now I am adamant that I will return to work within 4 months.
I have listened to friends views ‘ oh you will change your mind’ ‘you’ll feel differently once the baby is here’ but I know I won’t. My 94 Grandma has very strong opinions about it!
We have visited nurseries that all take babies at 12 weeks and they all look gorgeous. Mr S isn’t overly excited about me wanting to return to work so quickly but understands my needs too, this baby won’t be short of love from anywhere and I really hope we can make it work.
It’s something that consumes me with fear and guilt, I worry about this more than the birth itself! but surely it’s different for everyone and we should all be left to make our own decisions and not be made to feel guilty about them.
Who knows, maybe I will change my mind and want a year off, my boss has put me under no pressure to commit either way, although when I joke about taking a year off, for the first time in my working life, I do see the colour drain from his face!
Hi Tamara! I love that your sister forwarded you this post, it’s great when we are recommended so organically, I hope you continue to enjoy the features!
I’m not sure there is a “right” time to have a baby as such, you just kind of get on with it, I was very much like you though, far more worried about going back to work than the actual birth! Quite a few people advised I would change my mind, I was adamant I wouldn’t and I actually have to a degree – otherwise Mabel would already be in nursery. However I’m not sure a year away from work would ever have been right for me personally, whether I was doing this job or something else entirely – although the idea of it is quite nice (all that time just Mabel and I)
Huge congratulations and I’m sure you will make the right choices for you x
Hi Charlotte,
Lovely post. Your situation is very similar to mine and I completely feel for you on the ‘guilt’ front. Sophia is now nearly 18 months old and I’ve already lost out on 1 deposit to a local nursery because I just couldn’t go through with it. I did the settling in sessions and everything but she was so hysterical when I left, I just couldn’t handle it.
I honestly never realised how difficult it would be to bring up a baby whilst running a business.
I have help from our parents and in-laws too which means I have worked a 3 day week since she was 3 months old. Again, like you, I worry that those newborn years have been and gone and I worked for 3 days every week whilst the grandparents were indulging in my little cherub but I also love my job and feel like a better parent because of it.
My mum has her for 2 full days and is more than happy to continue so until both Sophia and I feel 100% comfortable with another method of childcare whether it be nursery or a child minder (purely to help her with social skills and to mix with other kids) I am sticking with my current routine.
I used to be decisive but now I’m not so sure 😉
Really enjoying your new site, some great posts. Keep up the good work and continue to enjoy both your work and Mabel. Here’s hoping that our girls will grow up with a strong work ethic from having hard working mamas!
Lydia xx
Hi Lydia *waves* ha ha ha I used to be decisive too!! You seem to have a routine that works for you and Sophia so why change it? I’m glad you were honest about the nursery situation though, I have a feeling I won’t be able to leave Mabel if she seems forlorn and screams hysterically (she only ever does this when she appears to be left/taken away somewhere)
At the moment I seem to keep on top of most things (just about) but the house is a permanent bloody tip, and we even have a cleaner! that’s the one thing I just don’t get time for – but I need to make it I guess, it will be better for my sanity! x
Charlotte – I and the rest of the (sane) internet hereby give you permission to STOP FEELING GUILTY.
What you and James choose to do in terms of caring for Mabel is your choice and no-one else’s and you’re the only people who get to judge what you do, everyone else can get stuffed! You’re a successful ambitious woman with an amazing career that you built from nothing, why in the world should you feel bad for wanting to carry on pursuing that??
As long as you, James and Mabel are healthy and happy, you’re probably doing OK regardless of whether that means you being at home all the time or Mabel being in nursery from 12 weeks and all the other options out there.
Good luck and remember – everyone else can get stuffed 🙂
Thank You Claire and people of the sane internet 🙂
I had forgotten the expression “everyone else can get stuffed” – I like it very much!
As far as I can tell we are all healthy and happy (apart from Mabel’s Monday tantrums but hey ho, you can’t win them all) so I will just try and remember that fact for future “days of despair” x
I think I’ve commented before on one of your previous posts about my concerns regarding child care should me and my husband ever have children.
We don’t have parents close by who could help out, but the cost of child care is just astronomical so would my salary even cover it?! Although I work an office job and would be able to take a decent amount of maternity leave, would I be able to come back part-time? This all fills me with a terrible amount of anxiety as I enjoy my work and would want to do everything I can to continue to do so. I hate the way guilt is so easily put on women who decide to continue working (or not as the case may be) – everyone’s situations are different and you have to find out what works for you.
My mum went back to work after she had me (not sure how much maternity she took) and I had a nanny. Said nanny actually looked after for me for 16 years (my secondary school was quite far away from where I lived so for the last 5 years she just have me a lift home as there were no other transport links!) The result is that we have a wonderful extended family as we all get on well with her family (they all came to my wedding lol). My point is that you never know what benefits child care will bring you – the chance to do something you enjoy such as work, or wonderful people you keep in touch with forever!
Hi Jo, we have certainly considered the financial implications should we have two children, if you had them both in nursery full time Jeez…..I imagine for lots of people it simply wouldn’t make financial sense to go back to work at all. I think if you enjoy your job that is also a massive factor – as well as the salary I mean. I do it as it makes me….”me” as much as the monetary benefits x
Very often, the long term cost of losing your place on the career ladder is far far greater than the (relatively) short term cost of childcare so, while obviously you need to balance the books at home, families should also think about future earnings. Especially if you have a job you love and want to progress in.
This is a tough one and there’s no right or wrong way to do it. I don’t have any family nearby and have grown my business organically around two small children and it’s tough at times. Now they of a mix of mornings at nursery and afternoons with me and pre-school for my eldest 3 days per week. I’ve always kept Thursdays as my day when they’re with me all day and we all go to playgroup together.
I have enjoyed working though and having something to think about other than teething, nappies and Peppa Pig! All I would say is try to find a healthy balance. You will most likely work in some capacity for another 30 years but babyhood really does pass by in the blink of any eye and you can’t get that precious time together back.
I hope you find the right balance for you.
Hi Steph, I was really worried about the conversational aspect! Will I just talk about Mabel all day every day?! (I do talk about her wardrobe/most recent escapades really quite often…) a couple of other ladies suggested half days etc, sound like a good compromise.
I’m trying really hard to savour every moment of her tiny-ness x
Hi again Charlotte…. *waves
I’m going to come from a different angle on this topic…..
I myself, am a mum, I am also a childminder.
This topic is something that I see sooooo much.
First let me start by reiterating what someone above has already said, you have to do what is best for YOUR family, and just forget everyone else’s opinions. I have found, being a mum, you really can’t win either way. Someone ALWAYS has an opinion.
Kat *waves* how interesting – minding your own and other children, I imagine it’s very rewarding. Someone always has an opinion on everything, I’ve got pretty good at ignoring negativity, you have to in this job. When it comes to your baby it’s particular heart wrenching though I guess…..the guilt in particular. I’ve actually felt really reassured by everyones helpful advice today so onwards and upwards x
Dear Charlotte,
As always sour posts are so honest and heartfelt, it is something I admire you greatly for!
What annoys me most (and I’m not even a parent yet) is why everyone thinks their was is the only proper way! Stop being so judgemental everyone! (obviously no one on this blog is, but I bet you know what I mean)
There is no right or wrong in this. Everyone has to find what works for them!
In Germany’s east it is fairly usual to stay at home for a year. At Christmas I was discussing that topic with my stepsister who has been living in western Germany for many years and she almost bit my head off for wanting to go back after year. She considers it to be selfish and not good for the child. I was seriously upset with her for being so ignorant and thinking that her way is the only way! So you see it’s that diverse even within one country…
Like I said there’s just no right or wrong…
As for picking up illnesses in the nursery, it is true. However it is the time when the baby’s/child’s immune system is being tried and developed. So yes, it can be stressful, but it’s also helping the child in the long run…
Hi Anja! That’s really interesting – a lady above mentioned in France it is entirely different, 2 months is seen as the “norm”. I think it has a lot to do with personal choice and how much you enjoy your job/how important you think it is in the short term etc
There is definitely no right or wrong x
Just to say I think it is pretty amazing that you are running a business with such a young baby. I have a 4 month old and a nearly 3 year old and I am so tired that my brain is barely operating, I can just about make a decision on what to eat for dinner let alone run a business! Xx PS please tell me how on earth you get Mabel to nap for three hours that is amazing at her age (Mae does 30 mins and wakes up!) 🙂
Well Gemma I think managing one is very different to two! I have no clue how I would cope with that!
Nap wise we do play/activities quite a lot that potentially wear her out, she’s also a very active herself in terms of always kicking her legs and waving her arms about, so much energy!
At Midday I lay her down with me (I’m often operating the laptop whilst she sleeps across my knees) and stroke her head, it nearly always works x
My english colleague told me it’s very different in england, but in france, leaving your child at nursery at 12 weeks is just what everybody does here and I don’t think french children are very unhappy or have more children. So don’t worry about that, as soon as you’re happy in your life, in your job, then the baby is happy!
That is very true, my midwife always said, happy Mama equals happy baby x
Hi Charlotte, this is such a great & honest post! I’m just about to go on maternity leave myself & I also worry about this. I’m an ambitious designer & a business owner too & I already feel guilty for only being able to take a short amount of maternity leave. But we shouldn’t feel guilty for enjoying what we do & for building a business that needs our attention too. Everyone has an opinion & their situations are completely different. I’d never judge someone who wants to leave their career to raise a family so why are career women (who want a family) frowned upon? It’s hard isn’t it but I’m going to do my very best to do what’s right for my family & keep a job that I enjoy. Afterall if we are not happy our children will pick up on it.
People will always judge… it’s best to ignore them. Your doing great! Keep your chin up & Mabel is such a beautiful baby xx
Thanks for you kind words Rachael and lots of love and luck for your maternity leave and business management, sounds as though you will handle it all just fine x
I hated going back to work!! I put off looking at any nursery for ages! Freya was 9 months when I went back and we had not spent a day apart and I felt so guilty because I felt like I needed to be back with adults doing normal things (I had turned into a mummy recluse!) but at the same time I felt awful for leaving my baby when I felt it should be me, i was a state during the first few weeks, especially as she went to nursery where my husband works an hour away from where I was so I wasn’t even close by.
But now, with Freya approaching 2 I think nursery was one of the best things I could have done for her! She loves it!
That’s re-assuring to hear Koren, my Mum gave up trying to make me go to nursery (I screamed) fairly easily and I became a very clingy dependent toddler, couldn’t be more different now though but still, I hope Mabel has a degree of independence at a young age and hopefully nursery will provide her with that x
hi – a really helpful and informative post – so first things first, thank you. Secondly, and probably most importantly, well done and keep it up – clearly, you are a fantastic Mother and businesswoman. However, I do just want to raise the query that I don’t necessarily think that those in the 9-5 Dolly Parton bracket have things any easier/more straightforward. I too have the luxury of a slightly more flexible way of working (I am quite a senior consultant in a smallish firm owned by a good friend, which allows me to work from home/at odd hours/via blackberry etc). Without this flexibility I would be unable to manage my time so as to prioritise my children. I think that those in more “rigid” jobs – teachers, shift workers, shop workers, those in junior corporate jobs – are the ones facing real difficulty. Yes they are offered greater formalised maternity leave, and no, their house isn’t on the line should the business go under, but, I truly marvel at how they manage to be present for their children as much as they might like when their time is mandated by routine shift patterns or far removed bosses. I appreciate it is all a sliding scale, but it would also be interesting to hear how those in these jobs do it?
I would advise taking each stage as it comes. It’s not the easiest thing for a business plan but it helps a guilt wridden mummy to not feel trapped in any one situation forever more. As most have already said, I completely agree there is no one set way… its your relationship with that little person and thats unique to you and Mabel. Each of my three babies have had different temprements and needs, and then each of them has had stages of screaming when I leave them and being fine 5 mins later and stages of loving being off and discovering new places. Give things a try and if you feel like you’ve both had a happy enough day by the end of it then you’ve found a good thing and if you’re not happy you can look for something different. I echo that having family is great – its such a blessing to grow up with a great bond with aunties and grandparents – it is quite a rare and lovely thing these days. But ultimately it is super hard to do a job you are passionate about when you feel sad so I’ve always made sure I dont compromise on the things that really matter. I always think there is a happy balance, like a mix that is just right between work, marriage and being a mum… all those three things should feed and enhance the other two …but sitting at work feeling guilty about home and then going home and feeling like you’ve not been focused on your job is just a nasty mess of guilt and doesnt lead to anything good – I’ve been there and dont recommend it! When it comes to juggling though… I don’t use the word juggling anymore – it makes me feel out of control and stressed – instead all the things that are going on are the ‘ingredients’ of life which I have to mix together – thinking of it like that makes me feel like the more the merrier and it doesnt matter if we have 50 different things going on each day – we are ‘adding flavour’!
Hi Charlotte,
Just having a peep at your new site and this post jumped out at me.
Julia from Brides Up North here – we met last year at Suzanne Neville’s show at White Gallery (incidentally I had just left my baby daughter at home for the whole day and was feeling a bit panicked. You and Adam were very kind to me, although I’m not sure you realised how I was feeling at the time!)
Congratulations on the birth of your gorgeous baby girl!
What struck me is that I know more than anyone in the world how you feel and absolutely get how you are feeling.
My little girl was born last March and our situations are extremely similar.
We are yet to cave to nursery, and Annabella is now 16 months.
I have wonderful grandparent support like you and she is with my mum one or two days and my husbands mum one day a week. I know she is safe and happy, and some days it’s a wrench to leave her, others like you say it feels a blessing that I can finally get on!
The other two “week” days I have had to accept I now get nothing done. She needs (and I want to give) constant attention. She also only naps for 1 hour – during which it’s quick fire calls and email checking.
On those days I try to catch up on emails in the evening – sometimes I’m up till 1am, other times it’s a non starter.
We have our exhibition season in the spring and autumn so this time of year if a little less hectic and pressured, but there are still the email mountains to climb, the prep for the show season, keeping our sponsors happy and of course, the writing bit!
It’s tough, but like you, I also know I’m lucky to be in a job I love, essentially in control of my own (weird) working hours and destiny.
I know I would resent my time apart from A much more if I were stuck in an office working for “the man”.
Not really sure what my point is- but just wanted to say you’re not alone! And it sounds like you are doing a great job.
Would love to see you for a coffee sometime, it’s a shame we don’t live closer – we could be the perfect play date partners!!
Enjoy Mabel and do your thang!
Loving Rock My Style too, very cool.
Love, Julia x
Yes! This rings very true. I’m lucky in that my husband gave up his job so I could work full time but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel awful every time I leave him… and cry at my desk pathetically when I hear they are having fun at the park… and cry when I get home and I’ve missed his bedtime haha. The guilt is ridiculous but the good times just keep getting better 🙂 sounds like you are doing a great job xx
Hi Charlotte
I Completly understand your feelings on this. I went back to work on Monday and it was so hard. Sofia is 7 months now and I would have loved to have taken a little more time off, but needs must. It seems to be a constant battle at the moment to try and find a balance and it’s none stop when I get home. I am hoping we will get into a routine ASAP! It is always going to be tough no matter what stage you go back. I bumped into a mum who was going back to work after 14 months off and she was in bits.
I am a strong believer in, a happy mum makes a happy baby, so don’t beat yourself up about it too much. Sofia is with her grandma and they have both loved the week they had (long may that continue). Just remember you are going to be a great role model for Mabel, proving that you can achieve anything you want, if you put the work in.
Big mummy hugs. Xx
Hey Charlotte, I saw this post pop up the other day, but have only just sat down to read it in a moment of calm! Your conundrum is such a huge, huge subject, ultimately I have found out over the space of the last 9 years and 3 children later (first 2 weren’t in our business plan at the mere age of 25 either!!) that you simply have to do what is best for you, and only you and your unit and go with your gut. I have had the full time Mum experience, sacrificing mine and Dom’s first 2 businesses to an extent (my part of them anyway) but it was what I wanted for my babies too, once Cutture came along once I was back in the saddle and able to do something after an intense 5 yrs of only doing 1 day a week at work, the other days full on parenting.
I battled so many evils of comparison to others, how do they do it all? I now know, ‘they’ have a HUGE amount of help somewhere, be it a husband who is on shift work, allowing for days off, be it a cleaner, be it a nanny, be it nursery, be it the fabulous Granny (like I had)….all of which is ok, so long as it’s ok for you. Thank you for highlighting this in your post, my biggest bug bear is women claiming they do it all, it’s bollocks and makes the rest of us feel bad.
I used to and still am, very pro bringing up your own kids, as that’s what I had, but then I tried the work and Mum thing…I liked it and finally admitted that to myself (hard in a family where all the women stay at home, but Dom’s Mum was the opposite and worked, I saw that benefit it’s had on him), but my kids were older and importantly, I was ready. I liked having the double life, I liked my kids seeing me become ‘me’ again and also so they can see what Mummy and Daddy are creating, driven by us having them. Then Cutture came along, well I think you know a bit about that. Then we thought let’s have a third, lets plan a baby, but this time I had to go into it knowing I had to go back to work. So we discussed it and I knew I couldn’t manage 3 kids with no help and work, so I took the first year out. That said you always work from home and I went back when she was 11 months, that was in April. I do 2 days a week and I’m loving it, I have a nanny for those 2 days, as that was the most flexible and affordable option for 3 and when we have a 45 min commute, I too found the perfect nursery but couldn’t quite do it, now she is over 1 I feel I could as she has changed, but it’s just not right for our situation. So now baby is thriving, big girls like their new ‘friend’ at home, I’m feeling like I’m about to drop all my balls everyday, but dare I say it it’s working. Next yr it might change, but that’s how it works.
Funny, the Helen 9 years ago would have cried at the prospect of having a nanny, life changes, you have to go with it, you are very inspiring and your gorgeous girl will love you no matter what, be fluid and aware that decisions change as time goes on and that’s ok. One thing I would say, these early months do fly by, cherish them, even 8 months makes a massive difference at this stage, for the record it sounds like you have it sorted in a great way with family and whilst she’s teeny, that’s perfect. See you on Friday at Paperfest! xx
Just re read my comment as I posted without checking, sorry for the extra words here and there classic case of solo parenting on a Sun whilst catching up with blogs!! Just wanted to say also, even when you think it’s sussed it’s still always a juggle, I say I work 2 days a week, that’s just in the studio, the rest I juggle 3 kids, their busy lives, run the house and work when the baby naps (everyday). It is tough and that’s where finances also draw a line, we have a nanny on the days I work, but nothing else, so that is also something to consider, how much are *you (us as women)* prepared to do at home as this can be the bit that gets us ‘gals down, you know daily grind of cooking and cleaning, then it’s a different decision, what makes you happy v’s finances, its a tough one. But running your own show is a great and fortunate place to be for all of us. Don’t think anyone really has the answer, although Jools Oliver seems to do it all rather fabulously! x
Don’t panic when you read the first part of my post (it’s not intended meanly so please keep reading). Mabel WILL remember this time in her life. Not by having actual memories of it, but in the way she lives her life as her reactions and beliefs about the world will be formed now. However. That doesn’t come down to whether or not you work! What matters is whether she gets quality time with you, whether you are pleased to see her and take pleasure in her presence, and whether YOU are mentally healthy and happy. It’s normal and healthy for a baby who loves her mum to cry when she’s apart from her – it would be strange if she didn’t. Babies who are neglected and aren’t happily attached to their mums don’t cry because they have learned that it doesn’t matter. Securely attached babies cry when they are apart from their mums. It may be heartbreaking but believe it or not it’s a healthy sign. Mabel lives with kind people who love her and respond to her needs. That’s what matters. She will be fine!!
Hi Annie,
I have to question one of your points there. My daughter has never once cried when I have left her. Does that mean she was neglected or not securely attached to me?
If neglected means me not going out to work and working from home because I want to spend this time with her then maybe I’m guilty. And when I say working, I haven’t been sat on a computer all day ‘ignoring her needs’ teaching her crying ‘doesn’t matter’, I childmind, so she gets all the stimulation she would get in a Nursery environment, but with me. I understand that children do get upset because they are attached to their mums,, sometimes, I have children crying when their parents pick them up because they’ve been having so much fun at my house and have built up a strong attachment with me (which means I’m doing my job properly) , but implying if they don’t cry when left they have been neglected isn’t nice, and it certainly isn’t true. Those are the sort of comments that sometimes make working parents feel worse than they already do. I don’t think there is anything wrong about loving your career. As long as your child has good Childcare (aswell as lots of quality time with parents as you mentioned) then they will grow up happy and healthy.
I hope I haven’t come across wrong, I just think this is such a sensitive topic to so many parents and people throwing comments like that around really doesn’t make it any easier. We all have our different ways of parenting and I don’t believe there is a right or wrong way. I just think we need to stop being so judgemental of other peoples choices, different things work for different people.
Oh gosh I wasn’t trying to make anyone feel bad, sorry if it’s backfired. Everyone’s situation is different!
Hey Charlotte, it’s been really helpful to read this post…I’m due in 12 weeks and run my own business- I’ve worked so hard over the last couple of years to build it up to where it is now and taking a year off for ‘maternity leave’ just isn’t an option- as anyone working for themselves will know…you don’t have that luxury…people forget you and they move on (who can blame them.) So my husband and I have thought really long and hard about the solution to this…I went to look round a private nursery too (you have to have their name down at 14 weeks- in your stomach!) And decided that it was just too…impersonal. They spend more time in a baby bin, and I didn’t like the thought of not being able to breast feed.
Then a friend of mine suggested looking for a nanny/aupair….she said that I could hire someone for 4 hours a day to come to the house and be there watching our little girl and I could focus, I could still duck in for feeding times and to say hi- but ultimately her wellbeing and care was being taken care of…
After researching it, it’s also a much cheaper option than nursery too! I’ll let you know how we get on, I’m taken 2-4 weeks off after birth (depending on how I am health wise) so it will be quite a shock to me I’m sure, this is my first child so I’ve no idea how I’ll handle it emotionally. Just like you though, everything I’ve built and worked so hard for is for our little girl, for a better life and ultimately so that she can be inspired by her mum and will want to do equally great things when she grows up.
Thanks Charlotte- your blog posts are alway fantastic, and so honest!
First of all – you’ll probably find that no matter what decision you make, you always feel guilty… I think it’s just part of being a mum.
I am now living in the Middle East, so 8 week maternity leave is all most people get, you are definitely not the only person who has had to go back to work after what must feel like a really short time.
I’m staying at home for the moment with my two year old and my four month old and I also feel guilty. Guilty because I would really love a little time for me to do something that doesn’t revolve around the kids. For me to have something that was my own, a new challenge.
And guilty because I can’t always get up at 5:30am all singing, all dancing and pull out all of the creative play ideas that are sitting on my pinterest board (and even worse, in the store room, ready to be played with).
I feel like my poor four month old gets the worse end of the deal, because being at home was all new with his sister, and I revelled in it much more. But there’s not much option for part time work here (doing anything at all!) and going back to work full time, when I don’t need to, just seems pointless. Especially as my husband travels a lot, so I have to be here at some point in the day for the kids.
If it’s any consolation, my daughter loves the two afternoons a week she goes to nursery, and it has really benefitted her. I’m glad we are able to send her for that time as she gets time to herself, and when she comes back, I have renewed energy to play with her and entertain her.
Is it possible to reorganise your work hours so that you work in the afternoons (say from 12pm-8pm) and then on into the evenings a couple of days a week? So you would get uninterrupted mornings with Mabel, followed by time when you can be in contact with everyone else, who is working the 9-5. Then if James is around to put Mabel to bed, you can carry on working into the evening.
Then you are making the most of the time when Mabel is asleep (and I’ll bet you are working on into the night anyway!). If you are doing a lot of working from home anyway, then this might work at least in the short term.
And maybe a re-organisation of the responsibilities at work (given it’s your business). Work out what areas you can easily tackle from home, or that reduce your travelling etc. It doesn’t have to be permanent, but if it can help you out until Mabel is a year old, you’ll be able to have a fresh look at it when you are ready.
Also, if you can find a baby sensory or baby signing class near to you. I find that doing something structured really helps organise my day and I feel like I’ve done something where I’ve devoted the entire hour with my four month old, rather than checking my phone or talking to someone etc.
i know you’ll figure it out, and Mabel will always know she’s loved, whether you are at home every second of every day or not. x
[…] major low, as I’ve previously mentioned, has been having such a short “maternity leave” period and shipping her off to her […]
I only just read this post but just a quick comment on leaving your little one with grandparents and feeling bad about it…i’m not a mother but i was a child who was looked after a lot by grandparents when my parents worked. I ended up having such a strong bond with my grandparents and learned so much from them, my grandad lived until i was 29 and we had a stong bond even after i moved 300 miles away, phoning each other weekly for a long chat, he was like a second dad to me. I never resented my parents for leaving me with grandparents-as i got older i respected them for working so hard to give me and my brother the best chance at life. All in all, don’t beat yourself up, think of it as giving Mabel the chance to have a strong relationship with her grandparents which can never be a bad thing , L x