Sometimes Mabel sleeps in our bed.
This was something I always said we would never do. The safety aspect concerned me as well as the fact I always assumed we would just be creating a rod for our own back, inadvertently encouraging her to dislike her own cot and nursery.
Mabel moved out of the Snuzpod in our bedroom into her own room about 5 weeks ago. We would have had her in with us for the recommended 6 months but she simply became too big for her crib, I’m quite sure I’ve mentioned this before.
The first few nights were not a success, she was up 4 or 5 times clearly distressed and it took one of us actually sitting right beside her cot until she would drift back off to the land of nod. Needless to say this was an exhausting experience, especially when both of you have work the next day and have to be up relatively early.
We thought moving her into our bed was just going to be a one off as she hadn’t been particularly well. We figured we could all do with the rest so we followed all of the co-sleeping guidelines and benefitted greatly from an 8 hour snooze. Mabel slept right through until 7.30am, she didn’t even wake up for a feed.
Since that first time Mabel has slept in with us on 5 or 6 separate occasions. For the most part I’m pleased to report she’s doing well in her nursery and aside from the odd 2am grizzle through the monitor, she’s been happily in dreamland until at least 7am most mornings.
Recently she’s had a cold, she can’t breathe through her nose and frequently wakes herself up coughing, it breaks my heart to see her so uncomfortable and tired. For whatever reason (and this is what I wanted to discuss really) she’s sleeping much better in our bed, even with her flu like symptoms.
Do you think it is purely a comfort thing in terms of being with her parents that she sleeps better?
I do wonder about the warmth aspect, again we have been following guidelines ruthlessly in terms of the temperature in her room and what she sleeps in (a sleep suit and appropriate tog Grobag), we wouldn’t want her to get too hot – the associated dangers are highlighted only too often. Yet even following the rules exactly, I do find that in the morning her arms, hands and feet are somewhat chilly.
Does your baby sleep in your bed? What are your thoughts? Now Mabel has I’m kind of over it in terms of thinking it’s the wrong thing to do (I really don’t). don’t forget that SleepJunkie recommends to get a good mattress to better sleep quality.
Have you adhered to the temperature guidelines only to conclude your baby may in fact be too cold?
(We’ve since added an extra vest and mitts which have made an improvement to how long she is sleeping undisturbed for.)
Do share your thoughts in the comments box below folks.
I have no answer to this, I’m only 19 weeks pregnant. But in recent days I have started to think about what it will actually be like having a baby and it seems like there’s just so much to learn about! All I’m worrying about at the moment is staying pregnant but then at some point I’m going to have to consider The Birth. And then, after that, there’s an actual baby to look after! So please, keep these posts coming.. Xx
Hi Jennifer, congratulations! there is so much to think about, you can drive yourself bonkers with it. I’m glad you are finding these posts useful, what I would say is – don’t worry yourself with trying to learn everything, you can’t. So much of it comes naturally anyway, promise! plus everyone has a slightly different way of doing certain things. You have to do what works for you and your baby x
To be perfectly honest bed sharing with your baby is one of the most natural things to do and in a lot of countries it is actively encouraged. However, as you say there are a lot of heartbreaking reasons why not to do it but if you are careful then on occasions it is fine. It is definitely a comfort thing and being by you helps baby regulate their breathing so may be why Mabel is sleeping better when she has a cold. Alice slept on me for the first 4 months of her life. Not out of choice, simply as I couldn’t put her down without her crying, ever!!! I realised that had to change when I woke up one night with her on the floor!!! Poor thing was fine and luckily missed the bedside table! If mabel has cold hands and feet don’t worry, it’s because babies pull all the heat to their important parts when they need it. I do find an extra pair of socks and a blanket over the gro bag helped on chilly nights to keep them snug. X
When we add more things (i.e. a blanket etc) than is recommended Mabel does sleep so much better, perhaps she just feels the cold more than average? goodness knows! x
Hi Charlotte, our 7 month old baby has been sleeping in our bed on and off since he was born, although in the early days this was more by accident than intention having fallen asleep whilst breastfeeding him (I know this was dangerous but it happened, unfortunately). He mainly slept in a co-sleeping cot when he was younger but when he outgrew this, he went into his big cot without much success. Since then, he sleeps with us, following the guidelines to make it as safe as possible. We were just too exhausted to persevere with putting him in his cot.
There are certainly pros and cons to co-sleeping. On the one hand, I love the closeness and how easy it is to feed him if he does wake up. Like your Mabel, he also sleeps for so much longer. In his cot, he’ll often wake 5/6 times a night. When he’s with us, he’ll wake just once or twice and not before 4am. That’s much more manageable!
On the other hand, neither myself or my husband sleep that deeply as we are aware of him being there and not wanting to squash him. I also struggle to get comfortable with a little person taking up 1/3 of the bed and I’ve been woken numerous times by him kicking me in the stomach. It also doesn’t help normal husband & wife relations, if you get my drift!!
If I’m honest, I love co-sleeping but it is definitely a taboo and I don’t broadcast it to our friends or health visitors! I never intended to co-sleep but it works for my family at the moment. Don’t beat yourself up about – sometimes you just have to do what works to get through.
We do intend to transfer our baby back to his cot before long as we worry that if we don’t do it soon, we’ll end up with a 10 year old in our bed! Xx
Hi Laura, thanks for being so honest, it seems (just from this post alone) that there are far more families co-sleeping than perhaps we might think. My midwife wasn’t against it as such, she just mentioned it in passing (if we were considering it) and went over the guidelines.
It’s definitely a weigh up, if you are both exhausted then other tasks/aspects of parenthood are not fulfilled. funnily enough last night Mabel slept in with us – she’s now got another cold, she only woke up once x
Oh dear. Its a bit of a controversial subject isn’t it, and one I can offer no advice on as I am still 10 weeks away from having to deal with my own little sleep terrorist. I just wondered whether you had tried a humidifier in her own room to help with the snuffles? My mummy friends all seem to put them in babies rooms at this time of year when the heating comes on and babies go a bit snuffly through the room being too dry/colds etc. I think there are some that you can also add a few drops of essential oils to – lavender/eucalyptus. It could help possibly? I too hope to avoid the co sleeping scenario, simply because I’m not sure I’d sleep properly for worrying about crushing the little one. My ‘plan’ (haha check back in 10 weeks as to how that’s going) is to try and get baby to do his ‘long’ naps in the moses basket but in his own room (fully video, movement and sound monitored with the Angel Care) I am hoping that may make transition to his own room a little smoother. I’m going to follow the Gina Ford contented little baby routine – another controversial decision but as a teacher there is something about a good timetable that I just love. Each to their own I recon.
Georgina – absolutely, each to their own. Discussion posts such as these are so useful because everyone can share their own thoughts and experiences, it doesn’t necessarily mean any particular choice is right or wrong as such. Thanks of the humidifier recommendation, I hadn’t considered it, we have been using Olbas oil without much success – her cold is particularly bad though bless her.
Trying to encourage naps in their own room is a good thing (my NCT friends that did this all have babies that sleep in their nurseries well) I didn’t manage it though unfortunately. Mabel either fell asleep on me or in her Moses basket in the living room in the early days x
The co-sleeping statistics also include ‘inadvertent’ co-sleeping – i.e. where people have fallen asleep on sofas and in armchairs with their babies, which are much much less safe than properly organised co-sleeping. There hasn’t been a proper breakdown between the two but I understand that the general feeling is that if you follow the checklist of safe co-sleeping, it is much lower risk than actually advertised.
We used to find that Juliet woke up in the night because her hands were getting chilly too, even though she was absolutely fine in her ‘core’. I switched to bodysuits with the inbuilt scratch mitts and they worked fantastically – Mothercare do a good range, as do Sainsburys and M&S (Sainsburys’ and M&S’s are also usually in really nice bright prints, and not always all pink…).
We’re still cosleeping off and on and Juliet’s almost 2. We need to crack it – we know we do – but at 2.30am it’s much easier to bring her into bed with us. When they’re this age, it does not improve sleep for the parents unfortunately; she sleeps diagonally, demanding ‘cud-DLES’ and kicking me in the side when she gets bored.
Sara, do you know where I can find 6 month plus sleep suits with integral scratch mitts? I can’t find them anywhere! it’s as if someone decided “right the baby is sixth months, they will no longer get cold hands or scratch” (!) Mabel has eczema so does scratch and I find the separate mitts don’t stay on well.
I find I don’t sleep that well with Mabel is bed either, I worry too much! I wonder if I sleep any better than when she’s waking up in her own nursery to be honest x
M&S do them (http://www.marksandspencer.com/5-pack-pure-cotton-skinkind-long-sleeve-bodysuits/p/p22109357), Jojo do them (although pricey, as they’re about £15 each!), some Sainsburys ones have them, and I’ve just read about these, which may solve all your problems: https://www.scratchsleeves.co.uk/.
I always slept terribly with J in bed with us; I’d curl around her and sleep really lightly – so I’d wake up grumpy and with backache. She’s currently really attached to her Daddy which actually works quite well for me as I’m able to get a decent night’s sleep while she hangs around his neck!
ha ha hahaha! Poor daddy! Thanks for the links Sara! much appreciated x
My LO is 20 months old now and we have often brought him into our bed although the constant kicking and wriggling means my husband and I do not manage to sleep. Something we did when he was first venturing into his cot was to put my maternity pillow around the edges of the cot to make him feel more secure and not so ‘lost’ in the cot. This worked a treat and he slept much better having that extra security. During the colder months we used to put socks over his sleep suit and a blanket over him. I am now currently dealing with a toddler who kicks his duvet off and wakes up freezing cold! I really hope you decide to do whatever works for you. x
Hi Lauren, Mabel is ok in her cot when she’s tired, it’s re-settling her when she has woken up that’s the issue it seems. The pillow is a good idea, Also the extra socks x
My baby is 16 weeks old and she’s been sleeping in our bed since she was 4 weeks – like you something I never thought I would do. It started as a one-off after a stressful day at the hospital with her as she wouldn’t settle and we were all exhausted, then it just carried on and has never really stopped… Occasionally I put her in her crib to start with but she ends up in our bed during the night anyway. She sleeps great and so do I – to be honest I do think it’s as much for me as it is for her because I can relax a lot better with her right next to me. It’s definitely taboo though and although me and my husband are happy with the situation (and are totally confident she is safe) we don’t admit it to anyone or talk about sleep arrangements, particularly to our parents as I’m sure they’d be horrified. We won’t do it forever but for now it’s working for us and we all get plenty of sleep, I just avoid sleep related chats with our mothers! I think it’s quite natural for both parent and baby to enjoy being together at night, I mean what did people do for thousands of years before cots were invented?! To be honest since I had my baby most of the things I thought I would do have changed, I think we tend to have set ideas about the ‘right’ way to parent before kids come along and then when they do a lot of it goes out the window! I say each to their own and do what works for your family 🙂
With regards temperature we have one of those gro egg thermometers and always ensure it’s in the safe level… I try not to over-dress her as you worry about them over heating but yes sometimes her little hands feel really cold in the morning! I have heard this is quite normal though and to feel their chest to check how warm they are x
Quite right Sarah, what did folks do before cots? Apparently my Dad slept in a draw in my grandparents room regardless of cot invention (!)
Our parents generation appear to be very anti-co sleeping, unsure why, I don’t really mention it either. x
My 2 year old starts of the night in his own bed, he will fall asleep in there but only if one of us is there next to him. He usually wakes at some point between 10pm and midnight which is when we bring him into our bed. He then promptly falls asleep again and this morning didn’t wake until 7.30.
I just couldn’t be bothered to keep going in and resettling him and there is no way I would leave him to cry. This way we all get loads of sleep and I am confident that at some point, when he is ready, he will stay in his own bed. We have lovely cuddles, I love waking up to see his little face and if he is ever ill during the night then I know about it straight away. So it has worked brilliantly for our family, and we are all totally happy and on board with it. In many cultures it is the norm, in Japan for example where the SIDS and infant mortality rates are some of the lowest in the world.
The obvious downside is that it might be harder to get ‘alone time’ but that’s what afternoon naps and early evenings are for!!! The upside is that we all get lots of lovely sleep.
If it works for your family, it works.
Hi Kathryn, I didn’t know that about Japan actually, how interesting. It’s great how it is all working for you, we don’t mind waking up with Mabel at all, it’s not like we will get this opportunity for long is it x
Snap! I have a little girl similar in age to Mabel and before she was born I was 100% never going to co-sleep. My sister in law co-slept with her daughter and I hated that her husband ended up in another room or on the floor so that they could sleep together. However as like you, Annabel was poorly and slept with us and has been in and out ever since. I love how she snuggles with both me and my husband and she sleeps way way better. She often wakes, rolls over to check her daddy is there and when she is happy he still is she will roll back and snuggle in with me again. So lovely. I do feel guilty about her not being in her room but motherhood seems to be one long guilt trip at the moment! I am going to keep on starting her off in her own bed and keep my fingers crossed she sleeps there more regularly (secretly hoping that she comes for a visit every now and again!)
Hi Megan, it is one guilt trip you are right, albeit a lovely one! I mentioned in my comment above, it’s not as if we have this opportunity for long, they grow up so fast! Maybe we should do less of the guilty and savour the time they can fit in the bed 🙂 x
Cold hands and feet are not always indicative of body temperature, it’s wrists and chest that give you a more accurate idea. So if her wrists and chest are warm, but her hands are cold she’s warm enough 🙂 I think it’s comfort and smell of having your parents there. Molly was the opposite and slept better without us there, and she wouldn’t go to sleep unless we left her in her room alone!!
xx
I’ve heard other parents mention this – that their babies slept better on their own! It’s her arms that bother me, sometimes they are really quite chilly, her chest is always ok though x
I have heard there are some grobags available with arms, and I wonder if they would be worth a try? I haven’t seen them in shops but we looked into them online last year when our daughter was having sleeping troubles x
Ok, in a bit of a different vein, my little one is just 12 months, we have never co slept, even through 8 months of breastfeeding. My husband and I are both doctors, and unfortunately have seen one too many SIDS babies brought In to hospital whilst we’ve been working to put us off for life. I know it’s irrational but we just couldn’t.
However- we definitely don’t follow the temp rules either! Lydia definitely sleeps better with lots of layers. She has the coldest room in the house, and is in vest, sleepsuit, grobag and occasionally a blanket on top. And is happiest this way for sure. It took a long while till we became confident enough to do this. But we are also extra reassured with our angelcare sensor monitor, which has made a massive difference to my mental well being! (Lydia has slept on her front since she could roll so this helps extra with that too)
Hi Sami, that;s interesting to hear about the temp guidelines, the monitor always says a temp that is in the safe zone (or too hot if anything!) so we’ll just experiment and hopefully find the best solution for her x
I stopped worrying about co-sleeping the first night my daughter was born – the midwives suggested I lie down to feed her and I said “but what if I fall asleep?” And they said, she can’t possibly fall out from a feeding position and you’ll wake up if she moves. They were right about both! She slept with us fairly often as a result of my falling asleep feeding and now my son (who still wants feeding three times a night despite being ONE WHOLE YEAR OLD DEAR GOD WHEN WILL IT STOP) does the same. I wake up whenever he shifts. Just make sure you’ve got a big enough bed that they can gave their own space in the middle and never let them sleep on the outside. Weaning them off the company can be a nightmare (was with our eldest anyway) but when they are little, I think what’s worse, to be totally exhausted all the time but stick to the “rules” or get at least some sleep and bend the rules occasionally?
PS research actually shows that a mum who co-sleeps regulates her baby’s body temperature with her own. Amazing.
Hi Sam, that’s amazing about the body regulating thing! I am always bloody cold though, maybe Mabel gets it from me?! 🙂
And yes, being totally exhausted has got to be worse than sticking to the rules.
Tilly has slept with us on and off since she was born (now 2.5 years old). We had instances of us getting in the cot with her- yes really! Anything to try and help her achieve a decent sleep.
What that often meant was neither of us slept….
Co-sleeping worked for us. Works for us. I have no hesitation in bringing her into our bed on the occasions she wakes up and needs a cuddle. She doesn’t nurse anymore – she self-weaned just before she turned one, but she has never been a good sleeper so co-sleeping means we all get some shut-eye!
Now she is in a full single bed, often one of us will go into her room unless she specifically asks to come in to our room – very infrequent.
In summary, I don’t think it did Tilly or us any harm. It made something which could have been a very stressful situation just a bit easier and I would have no hesitation to do it again in the future 😉
Good luck!
Thanks Jess, I do think a lot of these things depend on the baby too – If Mabel is “well” then she does sleep in her cot, however, many friends have babies who simply don’t sleep regardless, that must be tough. Thinking about it perhaps we would do co-sleeping far more often if Mabel was more difficult x
Hi Charlotte, it’s seems quite fitting that I saw this post today!
Elsa is a very similar age to Mabel, and we always said, no co-sleeping, however at 2:30am, the option seems so much more appealing.
We had a terrible night last night, I think Elsa is starting with her separation anxiety and last night she woke up as soon as we put her in her cot and wouldn’t settle until 12am, then I put her in bed with us. I woke up at 3:00am literally hanging onto the bed and I decided then and there that I couldn’t do it anymore.
I put Elsa back in the sleeping bag, back in her cot only to be stood at the side of it crying my heart out until 4:30am.
Elsa, fell asleep due to sheer exhaustion and I felt like a terrible mother.
So, now I have a dilemma, I’ve started with the ‘I’m not giving in mantra’ but my guilt is unbearable. How can I deny my beautiful daughter a good nights sleep? Guess we’ll see how tonight goes! Xxx
Hi Kelly, it’s hard isn’t it – so many different suggestions and advice. Mabel has different types of cries (as I’m sure all babies do!) and it’s the inconsolable one where she struggles to catch her breath that I just give in to almost immediately. You have to go with your heart sometimes and ignore your head x
Well, after the horrendous night, Elsa has slept through 7:30-7:30.
It seems that maybe the cold was getting to her too! I’ve been covering her little hands and it seems to have worked a treat.
Feel terrible for not realising sooner. Motherhood is all trial and error I suppose.
Hope you are getting a little more sleep Charlotte xx
It sounds as though the cold might be playing a part, as babies my two boys (now 2 & 5yrs) seemed to really feel the drop in temperature as the nights turned cooler, I think they like feeling bundled up too…made them feel safe and snug! my youngest even now likes to be really tucked in all the way around, so cute!
Mine only ever really co slept when poorly (other than bringing them into bed in the early hours after that ‘not quite time to get up its 4am and we all need more sleep feed’!) they would never settle in our bed and it seemed to make matters worse! I have lots of friends who have chosen to co sleep and it works really well for them – the bedside cots look great for feeding purposes and seem like a safer compromise. I guess you just do what works for you and gets you through the tough times!
Light at the end of the tunnel – our boys were awful sleepers (Mabel sounds like a little doll in comparison!) they really do turn a corner and I’m sure at some point we will all be moaning about not being able to drag them out of bed in the morning!
Ha ha ha Amy I was just saying that to James the other day, wait until she’s a stroppy teen and we can’t get her out of bed!!!
Since writing this post we’ve been keeping to an extra vest and this seems to work well x
Both mine slept in my bed with me and we always said the same as you “we will never do it”
My first had a meningitis scare at six weeks old and was in hospital for two weeks, she was put in a huge cot at that age in the hospital but got used to having us with her all the time, and sleeping on us before being transferred to the cot. After this I always thought if she can sleep safely on me with a temp of 40 then she is pretty safe in my bed. since then I have had them in my bed if they are poorly as sleep is a great healer and they always sleep better when poorly with us. They have always transferred back to their own beds/cots fine when well again.
We defo were more relaxed with the second he slept in our bed a little more when really young, probably because I knew he was the last and secretly enjoyed him being close. he is now two and is a great sleeper as is his sister who is five, both love their beds and would much rather be in them then in with us. I think when babies are little being close to you and dad is a natural, loving part of them growing.
I followed co sleeping rules when very little but to be honest when older they kick any cover off anyway and seem to get as close to a us as they can they like being warm.
Best sleepsuits http://www.gro-store.co.uk/essentials/pink-hearts-gro-suit-twin-pack.html
So glad I found this post. LB is 4 months, and first cold started yesterday, so all the tips are brilliant, we’ve also tried snuggle babe vapor rub on a hankie which seems to work. Also swear by the angel care monitor. Haven’t tried co-sleeping yet, but also wouldn’t rule it out, think better to make a rational decision and follow guidelines than get to breaking point and do it in the middle of the night, so thanks for the link. Hoping for a less sniffly night for everyone!
I have done both and the daughter that i let sleep in our bed still does at 4! She sleeps fine in her own bed but on occasion we wake to find her between us (she is very stealth like and always has been) when we know she’s there it disturbs our sleep so we wake up tired, we sometimes take her back but she’ll often return and doing it 10 times really wears you down so we give up. My other daughter was in get own cot from 6 weeks (yes weeks not months) and she has never slept with us we would always settle in her room and did a bit of controlled crying (it lasted 5 mins) and she has been fab. She slept 7-7 from 7 weeks and this lasted, well until 4 probably. When she moved into a bed at 18 months she came to us a few times and we says put her back and it stopped very quickly. I personally would recommend them always being put back and have found if you give in once the next time they will cry for longer so sometimes you need to stick with it ( it’s hard I know!) but honestly it will only carry on with other aspects in life as they get older if they know they can get away with it! My children are 4 & 6 now and the 4 year old who we have been more leanient with (i know bad parent and not fair but she’s my last so always my baby) really does try it on with other things as she knows we cave in! In a word ” rod for own back” springs to mind. It just makes being mum and dad a harder job and let’s be honest being a parent is a very hard job! I hope with the perspective of someone with older children who’s been through both I have helped 🙂 x
Hi Charlotte, I’ve recently came across your blog and find it such an inspiration, I really enjoy reading it.
We have been extremely lucky with our 11 week old Heidi who since the day she was born has always slept at least 6 hrs through the night, the last 4 weeks or so sleeping about 8hrs. She is still in our room in a crib and while she is not a relatively big baby she has learned that she can wriggle her way to the side of the crib and bump her head against the side to let us know she is there! This being the case I think she will be moving into her own cot in her nursery within the next few weeks as she gets bigger.
My query however is to ask your experience (and anyone reading this) on swaddling? I find that swaddling Heidi only at night lets her know that it is ‘nighttime’ therefor a longer sleep. This week she has started breaking free from the ‘Gro-swaddle blanket’ so I have tried her in a sleeping bag for 0-6 months instead, she is quite happy in it although being able to move her arms and legs all night seems to keep waking her up as 3 nights in a row she was awake at least 3-4 times. I tried her again in the swaddle and sure enough she slept through – I feel she needs to know the security of the swaddle is there.
When did everyone stop swaddling? And was it a smooth transition? I feel I may have to search for a larger swaddle or use a larger cellular blanket to keep her swaddled for a lot longer, but I am worried on how this will affect her moving into her own cot. x
I have a seven week old and can’t get her to sleep anywhere than in me! I always said I wouldn’t do this but it’s the only way we get any sleep. I’m desparate to get her back into her Moses basket but no luck so far!