As I was wheeled out of theatre and into my hospital room, a fresh dose of painkiller running through my veins and on that slightly surreal new Mum endorphin high, the first thing an extremely emotional James said to me (whilst holding a VERY newborn Mabel in his arms) was “…When can we have another one?”
I am not even joking.
It was at that moment, as you can imagine, not the first thing on my mind.
Various similar conversations later we agreed to discuss (and I mean only discuss ) the prospect of adding to our family on Mabel’s first birthday, which all that time ago seemed so very very far in the future.
And then Thursday happened – Mabel is officially one year old. It’s as if the last 12 months passed us by in the blink of an eye. I don’t know about you but the sheer speed of life frightens the living daylights out of me, I sincerely wish I had a pause button.
As agreed we discussed the possibility of another little. As I write this I realise the process might sound all rather clinical and business like – it’s really not supposed to, we would consider ourselves extremely lucky to be blessed with a sibling for Mabel, we just have so many variables to contemplate.
James and I both have our own companies, we don’t necessarily have the luxury of designated leave, this isn’t merely a financial consideration but also a matter of practicality – which one of us is going to have time off to look after a newborn and a toddler? Who will take on our respective roles if I/either of us/both decide to take some time out?
I have so much in the pipeline for the brand over the next 12 months I can’t begin to imagine how I would do this whilst expecting, let alone mixing in the actual arrival of a brand new bundle of joy and making sure I’m spending enough time with my first born. It makes my head spin just thinking about it. And yet no matter how much I am 100% behind my chosen career path, family always comes first. What if we decide to wait and then it takes years for us to conceive? Or because we’ve waited it doesn’t happen at all? After all, according to Kirsty Allsopp my fertility is about to “fall off a cliff”. I know this isn’t strictly true of course, but I’m not naive enough to believe I’ve got all the time in the world to make a decision either.
There is also the small matter of us desperately trying to move to a larger house (we put everything on hold when I found out I was expecting Mabel), ideally I would like this to happen before I am unable to see my feet. I think that subject may warrant it’s own feature – James and I have moved 7 times in our 11 years together and had some rather shall we say interesting experiences. None of which I fancy repeating. Especially whilst awaiting the imminent arrival of another addition to our already reasonably chaotic lives.
I am not used to not being in control. I don’t like not being able to plan. “They” say it’s never the right time but I’m pretty sure it’s not right now. It doesn’t feel like any time at all since I was heavily pregnant and terribly uncomfortable. And it certainly doesn’t seem as though I’ve felt like “me” for anywhere near enough time to feel ready to go though it all over again.
Yep. This is very much “me, me me” isn’t it?
I feel guilty for being so selfish. Because it’s not just about me.
Mabel is by far my greatest achievement. And in the grand scheme of things I had a relatively easy pregnancy. I know that I am capable of much more than I often give myself credit for (hell, we all are) so actually, why am I stalling?
When did you folks decide to try for a second child? Perhaps you are no where near this point in your journey as yet – but have you always “known” you would like more than one ideally?
Those of you that are freelance/run your own company – what have been your plans to manage it all?
Is there ever a right time?!
As an aside Mabel had the most wonderful first birthday party! I will be sharing it on the blog soon, in the meantime you can see some sneak peeks on my personal instagram feed if you fancy a butchers.
We decided to be less careful when our son was around 17 months. I always wanted a small age gap to get the sleepless nights and nappys out of the way early on. As it took nearly a year getting pregnant the first time we assumed it wouldnt happen for a while but we got pregnant the first month. I also run my own business but im lucky i can take the kids to work with me or work from home. Its hard work but manageable. The toddler is harder work…the baby is a doddle in comparison!there is never a right time. And even if you have work goals you will surprise yourself at how much you can do.
Hi Cherish, ha ha I know what you mean about the baby being a doddle in comparison! I am much more focussed and organised nowadays – you have to be. I also see the argument that I am still in the nappy/waking up in the night zone so perhaps it’s better to keep going with it! x
I’m currently 5 months pregnant with number one and after our anomoly scan my husband said, I really want four. FOUR. But, I am with him in that being pregnant has just felt like 5 months of being wonderfully blessed. It’s constantly Christmas Eve; the excitement of meeting our son like none other. so why wouldn’t we want to repeat it? A few times. We are too aware that those first few years will fly by, and I already had a wobble about him going to university (ahem, hormones?), and being surrounded by children just seems like the best way to live. As we would like to have a few children, with the lovely fertility cliff threat, we intend to have them close together, currently we are planning on trying after no 1 is one but let’s see how easy he is first! We also live in a two bedroom flat in london… So our life style will need to change dramatically, something we are planning for now to enable our fantasy future!
Hi Anna! Gosh we were talking about Mabel turning 16 the other day I mean…Can you imagine?! Being surrounded by children would be a lovely way to live – I do worry that I’ll decide I want 3 when it’s frankly too late, who knows?! x
Goodness! Happy birthday little Mabel, crazy how quickly that’s gone.
Chris always said he wanted about a 2 year age gap between our kiddlies. Until we realised we’d need to start trying later this summer for that to happen and we’d have to get pregnant pretty much straight away.
One of my NCT friends who’s little boy is a week younger than Emmy is already 3 months pregnant. Whilst I am so incredible happy for her, I just can’t imagine it yet for me.
Thing is, I just don’t think I’m done enjoying Emmy yet (I know I can still do that with another one on the way but you know what I mean). I want it to just be three of us for a little while longer.
I’m still not really where I wanted to be in terms of losing weight and I always wanted to be back before we tried (makes no sense but never mind).
We’ve also agreed that we won’t have another until we’re living closer to family and friends. At the moment, we’re living in newbury where I pretty much know my NCT friends and any more mummy friends I’ve made along the way, but any family or friends are at least 2 and a half hours away. It’s been tough doing it without their support and I’m not sure I could do having another without it again. Having a baby really does make you reassess what’s important to you.
Anyway, sorry for the waffle, this subject has been playing on my mind lately too. Making more emmy’s is so exciting though xxx
Hi Tabitha, and I feel the same way about Mabel, I just don’t feel it would be fair to possibly be very tired/unwell with a second pregnancy (because you never know) and not be able to enjoy her whilst she is still so young. And I absolutely agree on the reassess important-to-you aspect, there are so many things I have learnt that I would put in place before the arrival of number 2 x
I remember in the throes of new motherhood deciding I would like 5! 17 years on and with an 8 year gap between them I have 2. I’m still not entirely sure I am done but suspect my fertility may have fallen off the cliff. Life often gets in the way of our plans but you’ll know when you are ready
I used to love Kirsty and her glowy skin/awesome collection of pea coats before her cliff comment. Now I just feel she is putting pressure on us all to knock down numerous walls AND have multiple babies before we’re 25! x
Erm, after a particularly HIDEOUS smear test experience on Friday I’m not even sure I am up for even considering one…let alone FOUR @ Anna…Honestly, when someone says to me ‘just relax and open your legs’ while I am covered in a paper towel and they are holding a blunt instrument, relaxing is not what is going down.
@Charlotte, I hope Mabel had a truly wonderful first birthday! I hate those people that frown upon birthday parties for one year olds saying they won’t remember so what’s the point…I think that’s really sad, the point is it’s a celebration of family! I arranged a particularly extravagant 1st birthday for my niece, and she’s now three this summer and we’ll be having an even more extravagant Cinderella themed birthday party then!
I’m sure she won’t remember it but we have lots of great photos and super decor we’ll keep for her to admire when she’s older 🙂
Cinderella sounds amazing, do you get to wear a tiara?
It’s such a personal choice. We have a (nearly) 3 year age gap which has been brilliant. Jack has been amazing with Phoebs and it meant we had nearly 3 years just the three of us which was wonderful to concentrate solely on Jack. I think we are done now at two and so lucky to have two healthy little ones after a pretty traumatic second pregnancy when I contracted chickenpox! Xx
Bloody Hell – chicken pox? that must have been awful. 3 years would probably be ideal if we could plan it that way but it may be a much smaller gap than that depending on luck/what we decide to do x
How can it be a year already?!?!
Mila will join Mabel in the ‘one’ club in a month and three days, which seems impossible!
For us number two (and definitely the last!) has been planned from the start. A two year age gap seems to be the jackpot, it’s the gap between me and my next sister down and I’ve always wanted to create the same for Mila.
However when we started on this journey I had a semi-stable job, which meant maternity leave. Now I have jumped on board the self-employed/business owner train and the husband has had his own company for 10 years. Luckily the grandparents are great and sometimes when we take Mila to them for the day, it seems less about them having her so I can work and more about them spending time spoiling her!However how it will be when we’re dropping both off…?!?!?
So in about 5/6 months we will start trying for Mila’s sibling. This terrify’s me, not only the ‘how on earth will we cope with two’ but lets just say the path to Mila was a heartbreaking one. Followed by her own complicated and hospital heavy pregnancy, I’m not looking forward to a second pregnancy, although I am more than grateful that I will have the chance to have a second.
But we always seem to cope and life always seems to carry on, so I just think number two will slot into all the madness and we’ll wonder what we ever worried about in the first place… well at least that’s the plan!!!
p.s. can’t wait to see some more pictures of Mabel’s party!!!
Ha ha Amanda this comment sounds just like my rambles (no offence intended!) I go on and on about how we will cope but always finish with “life just seems to carry on and we will just deal with it” x
No offence taken! I’m a massive rambler!!!
Here’s to just carrying on…
Happy first birthday to beautiful birthday and to mummy too as its such a milestone celebration!
Currently 38 weeks with number two and a 15 month old running around jb front of me.
We chatted about having a close age gap but didn’t envisage this close but nature (and a bit of too late family planning) had other plans for us. Second pregnancies feel so different in my view as you’re constantly thinking, how am I going to manage this with two?!? Physically I’ve felt the same so fingers crossed easy pregnancies strike twice for you too but not as much time to exercise this time around. Running around after a toddler helps this though.
I’ve felt that feeling of not having had enough time with Flora but then you think of the future and how you want your family to be, plus giving them a sibling and you know it’s going to be fine.
I’m now an advocate of anytime is a good time for new life and with enough love and support, you really can do anything. Why waste the time wondering and worrying? Fate’s out there ready to decide for you.
“When can we have another one?” is hilarious by the way. My face would’ve been a picture xxx
Sophie I think my face was a picture! I know Mabel would love a little sister or brother – she loves anyone and everyone it would seem. And actually, I am quite a firm believer in “fate” or simply letting nature take it’s course as it were…what will be will be!.
However, kudos to you for being 38 weeks with a 15 month old, and I definitely won’t be doing as much exercise next time, Mabel keeps me fitter than ever before, especially these past few weeks! x
My mother asked me the same question as your husband just 3 hours after having forceps and loosing 3 litres of blood after my boys birth!!
We had IVF to have my boy, and although he is only 3 months old, and obviously we don’t have the luxury of getting pregnant without assistance, even if we could I genuinely don’t think I want another. If i do change my mind I think I would wait for at least 5 years! Get a couple of years decent sleep under my belt before starting again!! We have also been blessed with a very chilled, calm good baby, and I know I’ll either be repayed with difficult toddler or teenage years and a second baby would probably be totally the opposite!
Hi Claire, so pleased to hear you are enjoying such a chilled calm baby, and don’t necessarily assume the next one would be difficult/you will experience anything other than calmness (!) with this one, so many people say the same thing yet I know many couples that have been lucky enough to have several easy babies that have grown into even easier small people. There is hope for us all! x
Having my second little girl was the best gift I could have ever given my big one. I’m an only child, which made me long to give lily a sibling from day one.
Our plan was always to try again after she turned one and after very little trying we got pregnant again. Unfortunately we lost our little boy at 22weeks followed by two miscarriages. When we thought we’d give trying a break, miss daisy surprised us! She’s one in two weeks. It feels like it’s taken us a lifetime to get here but you know what? I’d do it again tommorow! Seeing the girls together mends my broken heart. I’m not saying it’s easy but it’s worth it xxx
Amy your comment brought a tear to my eye! We had a similar journey to get our first!
But I know I will feel the same, I long to give her a sibling more than even having a baby for myself.
Watching them play together I know will be the most wonderful feeling!!!
Here’s to mending broken hearts!!!
Hi Amy, thanks so much for sharing your experience with us, I’m so glad to hear about the arrival of Miss Daisy, what a lovely name. I can imagine seeing both girls together must be wonderful – my best friend has two girls as well (7 and 4) and they play together so well – she says it’s the best thing ever…not to mention the time it gives her to do things for herself too x
I don’t think there is a ‘right’ time, only what feels right for you. My little girl will be one in June and we have always said we’d try for number 2 after her 1st birthday, which like you say seemed aaages away when she was born but it’s coming round fast and now I’m thinking eeek!! We are going away in August though and I don’t want to be pregnant for that as I had bad nausea/sickness last time and I’d like to enjoy my holiday! So maybe after that! I got pregnant very easily last time so part of me thinks I won’t be so lucky this time and if I leave it too long it’ll end up taking me months / years and I won’t get the 2 year age gap I’d like…. I’m lucky though that my company offers great maternity leave so that’s not really a consideration. I think for people who like to plan and be in control its hard because ultimately you can’t control how long it’s going to take, it could be one month or 12 months, who knows?! On the matter of juggling two kids though, quite a few friends have said to me that yes it’s trickier but it’s not double the work – you’ve already made the big adjustment of becoming a parent and once number 2 arrives you just figure it out and can’t imagine life without them, same as you did with number 1! x
Hi Sarah, I think you are absolutely right – the “big” adjustment has been made, it’s more a case of us making lifestyle changes (work life balance etc) to accommodate another one. I am exactly the same as you though – we plan on a few holidays this year and I would really like to enjoy them not being pregnant. I feel shallow when I say it but it’s true. x
Hi Charlotte! Congratulations on Mable turning one! Your post is very timely. My little boy turned one last month. This, combined with a number of my friends & family announcing pregnancies recently, has made me particularly broody!! My little one has changed my life immeasurably for the better, so why wouldn’t I want to do it all over again!? That’s what my heart says. My head says that the timing is all wrong, we can’t afford it and our house isn’t big enough. Also, how would we cope with two tiny ones, especially as the current one still doesn’t sleep through the night!? I loved my maternity leave but I did feel incredibly isolated at times and other times (and I hate saying this) incredibly bored. I went back to work about 8 weeks ago (3 days a week) and I’ve honestly never been happier. I feel like the balance is just right now. My little one is thriving at nursery and I’m loving being back in the office. That said, I’m 33 later this year and, as someone kindly told me recently, my eggs are getting dusty…
Laura 33 is fine! reading the comments that seems to be the “worry” age for most people on here it would seem. If you are so happy and balanced you should absolutely “take some time off” as it were. I haven’t yet felt broody as such, but very nostalgic when I’ve been looking at pictures of Mabel when she was teeny in preparation for her party x
When is the right time to have your first?? At 33, I’m only a couple of years into a new career and starting a new job in September. I’m in a new relationship and the time isn’t right have the ‘baby talk’ although I feel like I don’t have the time not to! In the words of Kirstie, my fertility is about to ‘fall off a cliff’ and my doctor has also asked me why I’m leaving it so late and leaving myself open to complications!! Didn’t think that 33 was that old to have a baby?? I’d really like a child in the not so distant future but feel under pressure that is needs to be sooner rather than later. My head is full of questions like. ‘What if I have trouble conceiving and leave it too late to do anything about it?’ You spend so many years trying not to get pregnant that I have never even considered whether I could. x
Honeybun – I’m 37 and married and I’m not having those conversations!! I think your doctor is really irresponsible for saying that and putting you in an uncomfortable position, it might be something you should mention to the practice manager.
Michelle – how well does your doctor know you and your life circumstances? I think that’s what you have to ask yourself, when weighing this comment in amongst all the other factors you have to consider when thinking about if/when you want to conceive.
I really empathise – it’s difficult to work out because it is all so unknown – it might all be fine, in which case why rush? It might not – but then it might not have been at any age. Very hard. There are tests you can get to find out more info such as your ‘egg reserve’, which could be very reassuring if it’s something that is really bothering you. Having said that, you need to really think about what you will do with that new information, particularly if it’s not good news.
I’m 34, married and a student again in a new profession. When I went to the GP for contraception (trying to get a diaphragm instead of the pill) he tried to dissuade me from the diaphragm saying I’m still young and don’t want to have to worry about the increased risks of getting pregnant! He didn’t ask me any questions about my life – maybe somewhere in my notes it says ‘student’ and he assumed I’m young and footloose – or maybe he just assumed! Who knows.
My point I guess is GP’s don’t always have all the facts to hand and their advice may sometimes be based on their own preconceptions.
Quite the debate. Recently married and I had not even hit 30 and my GP kindly offered me some…. folic acid. True Story. I looked very confused at the time – I had gone in to discuss a completely unrelated medical concern.
After labouring for 18 hours and then having to have a traumatic emergency c-section I was adamant I didn’t want any more. Now Luella is five and a half months I have decided I do want another one! I’m 33 this year so should get on with it but I also want to enjoy her on her own for a while longer x
HI Natasha, another 33! That’s how old I was when I fell pregnant with Mabel so I will be a fair few years older when number 2 comes along. There is also the aspect of wanting to enjoy your first a while longer – as you mentioned, I can’t imagine trying to equally share my time, it must be tough juggling it all x
Congratulations on Mabel turning one! I’ve always imagined having 2 children and am currently having 6 months off work for fertility treatment trying for number 1 at 26. I love having a plan and have really struggled with having no control of this. You never know what the future holds and whenever you have your next little one will be the right time!
Hey Charlotte can’t believe Mabel is one already! Bet she had a fab party 😉
We always wanted to have a really small gap between siblings but for various reasons including my work schedule, two house moves in a year and just not feeling “ready” I eventually ended up falling pregnant for the second time a couple of months before Milo turned two (we found out the day after we moved house for the second time!!)
I’m currently sitting writing this whilst cuddling a sleepy two week old Ralph, and Milo is now just over 2.5. I’m really pleased that the gap is more than we originally envisaged as Milo’s able to a) understand what’s going on now we have a newborn again and b) really enjoys helping me get nappies/ wipes etc which he just wouldn’t have been able to do a few months ago.
Timing wise though, Ralph’s arrival couldn’t be worse for my business as I’ve had to effectively put it on hold for this year – a March baby doesn’t really fit in with a summer of wedding planning 😉 but I’m looking forward to actually having some time off with this baby & enjoying the sunshine.
I guess what I’m saying is that no time will probably feel like the “right” time and there are pros and cons to every age gap. Business wise there may be some things that have to give, but I’m sure you’ll cope fabulously moving from one to two just as you have done with the transition from no kids to one! x
Hi Kim! I actually had another business due to start when I found out I was pregnant with Mabel and just haven’t been able to pick it up again (yet!) it just seems like an impossible goal. Plus I don’t want to do anything unless I can give it my best – I bet you feel the same.
The plus is that I now have a much larger and very talented team, I’m currently in the process of revising some job roles not only to keep things fresh and provide more “focus” but also because I’m at the stage where I really need to slow down a bit.
I think if we found our dream house I’d feel much better about the prospect of trying for a second, there just doesn’t seem to be anything suitable come on the market EVER. I am obsessed with rightmove. Obsessed! x
I read a really interesting (and actually scientific) article about women’s fertility post 30. I’ll try and find the link and post it but effectively it was saying that the actual drop off in fertility is much much less than is usually reported, for a number of reasons but mostly to do with statistical analysis. Basically, saying that fewer people are trying to get pregnant when they’re 40+ so the number who can’t get pregnant is a higher proportion but still a small number. Plus not accounting for other factors. I’m probably not explaining it very well but the general message was that there isn’t this huge cliff.
Plus I think that people like Kirsty Alsopp should keep her (completely non-medical) opinions to herself!!
I also think that you’re absolutely right to be selfish about it. Why on earth shouldn’t you want to be in a position financially, emotionally, physically and house-wise to want to have another kiddo. A happy mummy and daddy seems to me to stand a much better chance of raising happy kids than those who feel conflicted, depressed about money/work etc.
Totally agree, Claire! I’ve read a lot of articles debunking this whole fertility drop thing – I read them because I was panicked at turning 33! It annoys me that people like Kirsty say things like that because she doesn’t realise (or maybe she does) the enormous pressure she’s putting on women who are ALREADY under enormous pressure from society, which complains about ‘young’ pregnant women and ‘old’ pregnant women!
As is clear from Charlotte’s post, this is a complicated (but very happy) decision that required some thinking and planning. It’s hard enough without having to worry about risks and issues that might not apply.
Found the article!
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/
I could write so many features on “studies” that are complete (excuse my french) bollocks. C-section birth issues is another one (i.e. they frighten the life out of you and the data is based on a multitude of varying factors making the results well…bollocks.)
This is a prime example. I mean really, data from the 17th century?! ridiculous.
I just KNEW I didn’t want our daughter to be an only child, pre becoming parents we thought a two year gap sounded about right but as that time approached I realised I wasn’t quite ready, I felt id only just REALLY got the hang of juggling being a mum and being me. Our second arrived two weeks before daughter one turned three and personally I feel the age gap works really well. Old enough to explain and understand the imminent arrival AND is at preschool enabling precious time with my newborn. They are now approaching 1&4, the past year has whizzed by and, for me, been surprisingly easy but more importantly lots of fun! ……. Nothing like seeing our baby cackling at our daughter jumping around like a loon!
Ha ha Elizabeth your comment made me laugh! It would be beneficial for Mabel to understand the situation, and certainly be near to her “pre-school nursery” age at least x
Happy birthday to Mabel! This post is really interesting to me as at 25 and married for almost a year, these things have been weighing on my mind. Hubby has been desperate for children for years, and whilst my heart would love a baby my head says we need to buy a house before trying for children. I really want children but just not sure either of us really comprehend how different our life will be (hubby loves his rose tinted glasses
Oh it chopped off half my comment! The remainder was just rambling about the irrational fear of not being able to get pregnant for someone who is a born planner! X
It’s funny isn’t it, you say 25 and I think gosh! that is SO young! but I remember being 27 and thinking “I could really do with being engaged so I can plan a wedding, get married and then have babies…” I thought it was all so straight forward!
The engagement at 27 arrived and the marriage at (just) 29 but the baby was much later than expected x
As everyone else has said there isn’t really a right time. I always thought a gap of a few years would be ideal. Unfortunately Alice arrived a bit quicker than planned! Molly was only 11 months old when I got pregnant which filled me with dread. I’m ashamed to say I wasn’t exactly jumping for joy. I hadn’t even gone back to work so the plan of saving for a bit was out the window and Molly would still be so tiny. Then I sat down and thought properly about how hard it had been to conceive Molly and the traumas we went through so the fact that we hadn’t had to deal with this again was actually a real blessing. I will fully admit it wasn’t easy as there is actually only 19 months between them as Alice was early and so poor Molly was thrust in to big sister role. I don’t think she was quite ready and did retreat a bit. Cue major case of motherly guilt. I still have it frequently as now Alice is 20 months I can’t believe how grown up I expected Molly to be when Alice was born. She was still a baby herself. On the plus side they are finally starting to get on (it did take time!) and are pretty easy going. I’ve also got through all the baby stage together which was tough going but so worth it! xx
You shouldn’t be ashamed, every situation is unique to the individual and their circumstances. Babies are a blessing absolutely, but also a lot of hard work and sacrifice some of the time, I would love a sister for Mabel (not that I would mind a boy at all!) but I have a younger sister so I guess it’s what you know x
I’ve not had a first baby yet but I do feel there is a huge pressure once you are in your thirties to have children. I’m 32 and don’t feel anywhere near ready to have children but realistically I think I will not be so careful at 35. To hopefully give us any chance of having a couple of babies. My husband is an only child and my sibling has always had learning difficulties so there would not be any cousins – and I personally I feel it would be unfair to have an only child without the prospect of cousins (I have 13 cousins and loved growing up with them). So any baby conversations we have are already involving the thought of two children.
There has already been one baby in the family this year and another four are due by June so luckily for us we are not in the firing line for baby questioning from family at the moment.
Also my neighbour works on a maternity ward and has told me that at 35 fertility only decreases by 2%. Which makes the cliff seem a bit less steep!
Yep 2%, hardly off a cliff is it?
It’s so scary to think of having a second when the first is still a baby but we always said we’d like a gap of two years which would mean trying again in a few months. The real problem however is the cost of childcare. We’ve now realised we need to leave a 4 year gap so that our first is at school so that we are not having to pay for two nursery places. I’m only just breaking even with one baby in nursery so two isn’t an option. There’s definitely something wrong with the system when cost becomes the overriding factor!
Ps. Can’t wait to see your post about Mabel’s party, it looks amazing! x
The cost of nursery astounds me Carly, especially as there is so little difference between a half day and a full day – at least at ours. We’ve discussed the prospect of having a full time nanny but they are not exactly on tap where we live.
The pressure is on for Mabel’s party! Ha ha, I hope folks are not expecting a styled shoot type affair! x
Firstly, happy birthday Mabel :-))))
Secondly, I could cry for women & the choices/sacrifices they have to make compared to men. I have 2 girls, 2yrs & 5 days apart – as someone else mentioned its really a personal choice & there’s plus’s & minus’s to both. I originally wanted 4 children (I’m 1 of 5 & loved it growing up & we’re all very close), but after my first I cried that first day about how I didn’t want an only child & didn’t know how I was going to do it again (the midwife asked me if there was anything else wrong I cried that much!!!). I wasn’t ready for the 1st year but after that something changed & I’m very close to my sister (11mth gap) so I didn’t want to wait too long, plus I figured whilst I was in the midst of everything I should keep going. It was difficult, I was sick with both pregnancies, my 15mth old used to do impressions of me being sick in the toilet!!!!! … but we all survived … just … and when my 2nd was born I said to my husband ‘shall we have another :-/. We haven’t & won’t & we’re lucky to have two who are healthy & happy & very close. The blissful thought after having my 2nd was that I didn’t have to do it again & we could all just move on with our lives.
Whatever you decide Charlotte will be the right decision, it always is & you’ll find a way to juggle it all x
Ugh yes! Why is it only the women who get asked ALL THE TIME about the ruddy babies (FYI I’ve got nothing against babies!!).
I have a baby and boom – I’m automatically less likely to get promoted at work, more likely to be seen as unreliable, more likely to do the bulk of the childcare and housework as well as working outside the home while my husband is seen as more responsible, gets a mere 10 days of paternity leave, never gets asked how he juggles parenthood and work etc etc
And people wonder why I’m a feminist!!
It took us quite a long time (16 months or so) to conceive and I’m due this summer. I’d love a big family (I’m from one) but for the moment we’re lucky to be expecting no 1 & hope that it is healthy and all goes well. All the time we were trying – the minute we got married – people kept saying “arent you going to have kids” “when are you having a baby” ” come on tick tock tick tock” I’m only 30… Sometimes it really upset me because we were doing our best & when you want something so badly but have zero control it is horrid! And I felt the pressure of if we didn’t/couldn’t of being a failure to womenkind & letting others down, which really in rational thought is ridiculous! You just can’t “plan” when you are going to have a baby.
I decided in the end that people were just excited for us to plan our next stage of life and in no way was it malicious. They wanted us to enjoy what a lot of them have enjoyed – bringing a new life into the world & were just genuinely interested in our lives. This is just a thought for those above hurt by comments – I know exactly how it feels.
Conceiving and bringing a baby into this world is a miracle – no matter how many other millions of people all over the world have done it – and you just cannot always plan it.
My 2nd was born almost 18 months after the first.. his birthday is September, he is the Christmas party baby! I’d always wanted more than one but I think deciding on a 2nd is just such a big leap so in some ways i’m glad the decision was made for us! – as it was he just slotted in and things were fine although I spent a good 4 years being frazzled and now 7.5 years later my 2 boys are best friends and life is great! We’ve recently had the do we have a 3rd discussion and after a lot of soul searching decided that no, we’re past that stage, its been a really hard choice to make but we’ve certain its the right one for us.
Anyway, you’ll know when is the right time and honestly, you’ll find the juggling easier that you think, its definitely a woman thing! Good luck xx
What a lovely comment Jules, it’s super when people can just say “life is great”, I have quite a few friends who have had two that are both in school and thought “Shall we have 3?!” as a bit of a “last chance saloon” type situation. All of them, like you guys have decided against it thus far x
Hope mabel had a fabulous first birthday! I still love looking through all my first birthday memorabilia/cards my mum has kept as well as my baby book with lock of hair from my first few years etc. Can’t wait to see pics! I don’t have much idea about kids/age gaps to bring to the table but my friends/sisters seem to have had a couple of years gap and were glad to have ones of similar ages that can play together etc. that said I am the youngest of three and there was a big age gap between me and the other two (im 30 they are 39,41) but we are best friends and do loads together so it always works out I think either way. When I was younger I think I was a pain always wanting to hang out with them and their friends lol but defo as I grew up we all got really close. Good luck with the planning! What’s meant to be will be an all that
Xx
Yes, what will be will be absolutely! There is 5 years between my sister and I, she was a pain when we were teenagers….always stealing my make-up 🙂
Hahaha I was always pilfering my sisters clothes, strutting up and down our street in her platforms and make up! And stashing them in my room until she found them and went berserk! I used to love her Avon bronzing balls and awful sponge and her leather skirts and dresses (which have made a come back!)! Xx
I remember with No1 that I’d quite like a 2 year gap… and feeling incredibly daunted on her first birthday that I was NOWHERE near ready… or recovered yet. 3 months later and I was totally fine with the idea and expecting no 2 a month later… A lot happens in a short space of time with such a little one. I really like the 2 year gap – Having the older one at a stage that they can chat and slightly understand the concept of standing still while you deal with a baby seat was a massive help (I applaud all the mums out there who manage with a smaller age gap when they wriggle off in all directions) Its also a nice age for them being able to do things and go to places together. They’re quite often in the same groups at clubs still so my routine didn’t seem very different with a second. I know people who say the jump between 1-2 children is massive, others that say 2-3 children is the hardest and to be honest I found the jump from 0-1 huge and having no 2 and 3 have been easy enough… so I guess we all just deal with the changes differently. I would love a big farmhouse and then I’d just have 18 children… but 3 fills our actual house up so I think that will have to do!
Happy Birthday to Mabel – what a fast year its been! Niema turns one in 12 sleeps 😀 (I can’t believe how fed up and overdue I was feeling this time last year and thank you to RMS for keeping me entertained through those days!)
Bless you Amanda! I remember being very fed up too a week or so ago at the same point last year, I couldn’t get up off the sofa unaided!
I do have a small daydream of having at least 4 children all sat around a big old reclaimed kitchen table….a whole wall of chalk board paint covered in scribble! x
Haha ha… that made me laugh. I have 3 of them so far all sat around an old reclaimed (looking-esq) table and a big chalk board kitchen wall … but I’m far too controlling with the actual scribbling! I used to love finding mini archery targets scribbled under the desks… but drew the line at snowmen in June so now they have to plan out their scribbles with me first to check they’re going to be good ones! (totally-over-controlling-Mum)
I am approaching 31 next week and havent thought about baby number one yet, and starting to think having just one will be enough. Im self employed too (wedding florist) and work alone, i would never consider hiring another florist to take over whilst im on leave as my brides are paying for my style…me and my husband are thinking of starting to try for baby no.1 next year…maybe (im terrified!) But will only only try to concieve at a time that the birth would be outside wedding season (nov to march!) Some people ive told think im insane but to be due in july would wipe out all my summer bookings and therefore my income!! I know this might meand it takes us a good few years to concieve but i cant think of an alternative and right now my business is my baby!! This self employed lark is tough but whatever you do, dont take any advice of Kirsty b**dy Alsop!
Ha ha Linzi I won’t! and I know folks will think you’re narrowing your chances but I completely get it – really I do. It’s a double edged sword…(bloody hate that expression, so mean sounding, can we use “wand” instead?) Anyway double edged wand – you don’t want to be stressing over your business whilst pregnant either (I vow not to do that the second time round…) x
Oh and i never really commented on whens a good time to have a 2nd…because i’m not there yet…but all my mummy friends (most of them on baby no.1) seem to be banging on about this “ideal” 2 year age gap between babies, i don’t know when this craze started (did i miss a study on this!?) this and finding your “forever home” – a phrase that i find depressing because who knows what life is going to bring-oh and the purchasing of slow cookers being “life changing”-what?!- anyway thats another subject- i just find that there is pressure to achieve this 2 year gap so your children can be the best of buddies and thats great if you are ready for bubba no.2 but if not i say don’t listen to all this scary talk- the 2 year gap may be ideal for some but not everyone – whether its a 2 year, 4 year or 6 year age gap, siblings can be the best of mates, my brother is 5 years older and despite 1000s of miles apart i wouldnt swap him for the world. Do what is right for you and your family and then you can’t go wrong 🙂
Firstly Happy Birthday to Mabel, and I’m loving the diamond bunting!
I am as I type about to drop bubba no 2, my due date was yesterday so am hoping it will be soon. We always knew we wanted 2 children, was kind of something we never really discussed in any great detail, just the thought of Lyra being me only 1 didn’t seem right. As soon as she turned 1 I got incredibly emotional about the whole thing and decided I needed to be pregnant again.. Pronto! We didn’t have any problems conceiving the first time, so why would it be any different right? Cue 18 months of me stressed thinking my fertility had fallen off that cliff, and a very difficult missed miscarriage at 12 weeks… It was hard as with every month that passed I assessed the age gap and felt like my plan of them being so close in age just wasn’t going to happen. Like ever. Now I have an amazing 3 and a half year old, who is so excited about being a bit sister, and the gap actually seems perfect… What I’m saying a very waffly way is that no time will ever be the right time, but you James and Mabel will make it the right time when it happens!
Thanks for sharing your experience Heather, and congratulations on your imminent arrival! How exciting. There is no denying I fear it will take a very long time as like you I fell pregnant with Mabel so quickly the first time, I don’t think this has any bearing on how the second attempt will pan out at all x
Hahaha, I was the one saying LITERALLY seconds after our first born had arrived that I wanted more. I think my exact words in that euphoric newborn high were “oh my god I want 100!!!” which was obviously a slight exaggeration!
I’d always said 2-3 year gap would be perfect for us, but that quickly got reduced and there are 19 months between my two. I wouldn’t have it any different and have loved the small gap. My biggest wasn’t old enough to understand the concept of being jealous so it was all just so easy to make those changes. And as others will say, we didn’t get out of the baby stage fully before we were back in it again. But then most people will also tell you that the gap they had was perfect for them.
I’d just say don’t overthink it to much. If you want another baby and start fantasising about seeing Mabel as a big sister and imagining your family with another member, then it’s probably the right time. All the other stuff tends to just fall into place, because it has to!
And two is more work, but definitely not twice the work. And it is without doubt more than twice the joy! x
Happy birthday Mabel!
Kirsty Allsopp should stick to buying houses in my opinion. I’ve been married almost 3 years and am 38. We stopped being careful on our honeymoon but unfortunately for us we’ve not been lucky so far. Children and the desire, choice and ability to have them is such a deeply personal thing and I found it very odd that once I married I felt my womb had become public property and my desire, choice and ability to have them came under question. Never from my closest girls though, mainly from work colleagues. Who knows what the future holds for us, whether we will ever get pregnant, whether we adopt ir choose to stay childless but sure as hell fire it’s our own personal journey and not one I really want to explain over the water cooler!
I hear ya!
One of the (very few) good things about getting divorced and re-married is that people stop asking you about when you’re having kids. Not that I would recommend it as a course of action for that reason! I have told people to mind their own business in no uncertain terms though 🙂
That is pretty drastic course of action but it did work :). I did tell one colleague when was feeling very annoyed about the whole thing that my husband married me not my ovaries. That soon shut her up!
It’s so hard to know because you just don’t know if it will happen for you until you try so what if you decide the time is right but it just doesn’t happen that way. I’m one of five and my mum had four under five then five under eight!! Granted times have changed but I feel so blessed to have all of my siblings so close in age – there was always company and fun and my friends always felt like coming to my house was a party! I’ve got the added pressure of finding out I have BRCA 2 upon engagement and the very nice nurse spotted my engagement ring and said if you know who you are having your kids with I wouldn’t hang around! Whilst her intentions were in the right place I didn’t appreciate the comment especially since I was only 25! Needless to say, three years later and 9 months post wedding we are concentrating on our careers and I’m living in London whilst my hubby is home in Ireland. However because of my BRCA once we start trying I hope to have a few in quick succession before I decide to have my cancer preventative surgery! Life never is so simple! Xo
Oh Charlotte I’m glad you have the same battle going on in your head as I do every day!! So I had a 10 year stab at my career… Got myself up the ladder and was happy. Aged 30… Became pregnant with my first. Sonny is now 19 months and I left work and became a freelance designer which works well and fits in with our new family commitments. Like you we had discussed number 2 once I had had finally got over the pain of childbirth and we started really enjoying Sonny (after his rocky start). I had told Micky (the hubby) that so long as there was going to be a 2 year gap then I was happy to think about ‘not being careful’ anymore… Turns out when the time came around I just didn’t feel ready!! I was 4 months into my freelance business and feeling really like me again (as much as I could anyway), feeling like I had such a good balance and life was feeling great! So now 4 months on… i’m freaking out because I still have that feeling of not quite being ready, but I’ve got to remind myself these little bundles take 9 months to cook, and sometimes take months upon months to conceive!! I’m 32 now which is still a good age for fertility, but you don’t always know what journey you might take to concieve again, maybe last time I just struck lucky! I guess I have friends who aren’t so lucky and I see the battle they are having with fertility treatments etc or friends who have just hit 40 and having a few troubles, and other friends who would love kids but just haven’t found the man to make them with… And then I look in the mirror and think of what a fortunate position I’m in, so what’s stopping me?! There’s 2 1/2 years between me and my older sister. Apart from a couple of teenage years where she hated me, we have been best friends for life. I wish for the same for Sonny which kinda means I need to unlock the chastity belt and stick on a bit of Barry White and just get on with it. I always go by the saying “Life is what happens whilst we’re busy making other plans” and with that in mind then I always know my answer. Last time we decided to let Mother Nature decide if we were ready… So I dare say we’ll do the same and not put too much pressure on. I have no idea how life would work out, don’t know how we would manage our finances, don’t know if I could give as much time to my newborn as well as my toddler, don’t know if I could run my business the same way, but no matter when I make that decision I doubt it’s gonna make a great deal of difference. May as well keep the chaos going and accept that for this chapter in life it may mean other comitments are compromised! Good luck in you decision x
I do hope you work out what’s right for you
A bit late to the party but felt that I just had to say “DO NOT PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD TO MOVE HOUSE, CHARLOTTE!”*. We have been trying to move for nearly five years – I would do things so differently if I could go back and do it again. I was saying to my mum recently that we had to move house before we could start trying because “where would we put the baby” in our current home? It suddenly dawned on me that if we’d had an unplanned pregnancy we’d have coped and found somewhere to put the baby! I can’t believe I didn’t think of it that way before. We’ve had a few deaths in the family recently and I can’t help thinking that what all of us need (not just me and hubby but the wider family, too) is a baby to bring us some light and laughter. So I’m taking pre-natal vitamins in readiness 🙂
*Sorry for being shouty but I wish someone had said this to me years ago!
Love this post!
I was 22 when I had our first (been married 2 months (together for 3 years before that)). then 4 months after our first was out I was pregnant again (YES it was planned).
So now our lives looked a little like this, we had only just finished our house when I had our first, in finished I mean we had just plastered the walls and still had no carpet, now with no. 2 on the way we wanted to move closer to family. So when number 2 was 2 weeks old and with a 14 month old, I’m self employed and so is my husband (who had to built an entire recording studio in our new house before he could start earning again) I was on very limited orders having just given birth. Combined with NO savings (the property bust hit us bad) things weren’t looking too ‘perfect’.
BUT we couldn’t have been happier, this is what life is all about, just getting on with it and living it, not waiting for the ‘right’ time, house, money, break in work. It will NEVER be the ‘right’ time!
The kids are now 5 & 6 and life is even more perfect (even though I didn’t think that was possible) they are the best of friends (boy & girl) play together, and entertain each other, but mostly they look out for one another. I also NEVER have that thing where one kid wants to one thing and the other wants to do something else, they can’t remember life without each other so are happy to share everything and learnt they are not the centre of the universe very early on.
Yes both our business took a bit of hit especially mine, but now I have bigger, fresher and better plans to expand and enjoy with my family.
We’re a unit and yes the first few years of endless breast feeding, nappies, and changes of clothes were hard, but totally worth it for what we have now!
Good luck with whatever you decide is best for your family!
Kelly x
Hi Charlotte,
We see each other so briefly at whatever industry event or other – but when I read posts like this I always think it’s about time we sat down and had a proper cuppa. I am in exactly the same place as you (mentally and work wise) and you’ve got a year on me – Annabella was two in March. As usual I’ve no advice to offer – except to say that we coped the first time around, I bet we’d be able to cope a second. From the outside in I’d say throw caution to the wind and put family first, but standing on the edge of a very similar precipice (and likewise knowing I’m lucky to even be there) it’s all a bit scary! No advice, just the offer of a coffee and play date whenever these crazy schedules will allow. You are doing a fab job – thanks for making my own journey seem a little more “normal”!
Jules xx
Firstly happy birthday to Mabel!
I have slightly skipped a stage in this
situation in that I had twins who are also approaching one. Both my husband and I run our own companies and if I was to be truly honest you can cope with doing both but then who just wants to cope? Some days are very stressful when you have work commitments you have to meet and two little ones just wanting time with you.
The question of when is a good time is a hard one to answer but I guess it comes down to if you are prepared to run the risk of having to scale back work for your children if it becomes hard to manage everything.
If you have someone who you trust to help with your business then I wouldn’t worry, if its down to you then maybe get the important things started before you try for the next baby so it runs more smoothly when you are not able to give as much time to work.
Good luck with whatever you decide 🙂 xxx
Charlotte, firstly I’m having a lazy Sun morning thoroughly enjoying reading your blog & looking/stalking your Instagram… I know I’m late to the party on this thread. But for what it’s worth, I wanted to add my thoughts.
I had twins back in 2011 & then (because i can’t remember to take a pill when I’m extremely sleep deprived) 8 months later – I was pregnant again!
Shock doesn’t even cover it, I felt overwhelmed, under prepared & sick. Very sick. We had a girl & a boy so didn’t even consider going for another!
Yet, Someone had different ideas.
I waddled around after my energetic teenies, moved house at 8 months pregnant & started work again. I too am freelance, as is my OH.
Then my whirlwind baby girl arrived.
Yes, it’s crazy at times. They drive me up the wall (a tiny bit, every day) but there are huge moments of *breathe it in, *Its going too fast, *im incredibly blessed, *look how they love each other etc
And yet even when a sickness bug is passed from one child to another to us parents & back again, lasting for 12 days (true story!) I ABSOLUTELY wouldn’t change it for the world. What a privilege it is.
The way it works for us, workwise, is that we pretty much “job share”.
We have to be on top of our diaries & super organised but it works for us and we both get to spend time with our brood. Whilst doing jobs that we love.
I say, let nature do her thing & you’ll rise to the occasion in a way you never thought possible.
All the love