I can’t say I ever had a definite “life” plan as such, although I did have a reasonably clear idea of certain things I hoped to achieve and the timeframe I wanted to achieve them in.

To cut a long story short, everything happened a lot sooner than expected, everything except starting a family that is. I secured my first real rung on the career ladder at 23, I met my future husband in the same year, I moved into his place a week later, we bought our first property together a mere 5 months after that….and so on and so forth.

By the time I was 27 I was engaged and planning my wedding and everything seemed pretty much well, sorted I guess. Lucky lucky me. And that’s why I couldn’t help feeling guilty and more than a bit annoyed with myself for that underlying sinking feeling that career wise, I simply wasn’t satisfied.

My job was well paid and I loved the company I worked for, but the next step onwards just didn’t seem all that appealing, an enhanced salary yes… but for that privilege came substantially more responsibility, increased travelling and longer hours. It just wasn’t a role that I could see working around becoming a parent, and after all, following the impending “I do” having a baby was surely next on the agenda of my perfectly ordered life. (You know how earlier I mentioned I didn’t have a “definite” plan? I think perhaps maybe subconsciously I did.)

On Honeymoon I decided to start my own company, the creativity aspect and the experience I had gained from planning the big day gave me the motivation and the concept. Before I knew it I was knee deep in running my own business, every day bought with it a new challenge and I thrived on the adrenaline. It may sound like a cliche but weeks really do roll into months which then roll into years. I was no closer to increasing the O’Shea household. I had an increasingly dodgy medical history and wasn’t at all sure how I could possibly fit raising littles into my frankly ridiculous schedule. At one stage I wasn’t even 100% sure that I was meant to have kids, I didn’t have that broody type feeling that so many folk mention. And I didn’t feel I was missing out in any way either.

I hope that doesn’t come across as flippant, or ungrateful, or that I didn’t consider my husband’s desire to have a baby (of course I did) I had just become somewhat pre-occupied with my own (selfish?) desires to make my brand a real success. And it never stops, there is always a new project to consider, an event to attend or a deadline to meet.

The crunch came when James and I had a really lovely holiday in the Dordogne last June, it was blissful. I genuinely switched off from work for a whole week and for the first time thought “I can’t imagine my future without children”…just like that. With my aforementioned questionable medical record I was advised it could take a long time, I had convinced myself that actually, perhaps it wouldn’t happen at all. Looking back on it, perhaps that was a contributing factor to why my business became all consuming.

I could deal with it taking a while, I had so many things to arrange and complete before I could even imagine coping with all of the responsibilities that come with becoming a Mama. And if it didn’t happen at all well – there are alternative options.

We found out I was already 8 weeks pregnant 10 weeks later. We were both in a state of disbelief, and remained so for at least a day or two. We were thrilled, excited and overjoyed but I’d be fibbing if I didn’t admit I was really bloody scared. I had just seven months to figure out what was going to happen to Rock My Ltd, would I be able to take maternity leave of any kind? would the stress of my job effect my pregnancy in a negative way? Could I really be a great mother and a successful business woman?

So many questions, so little time to figure everything out.

I’ve made a lot of changes, some sacrifices and pretty big business decisions to accommodate everything as best I can (for another post, I can already feel I’m waffling) and thus far I am (without wanting to sound like a numpty) quite proud of myself, it turns out I am a lot stronger and more resilient than I ever gave myself credit for. But as I head towards returning to my Managing Director position in a more full-time capacity I can’t help but wonder how I am going to ever leave my baby girl for days at a time in order to give it the focus required.

James and I are so incredibly blessed, and as important as this business is to me (it really is) nothing will ever compare to the health and happiness of my daughter and husband.

Have any of you found it difficult to go “back” to work?

Did/do you worry about not being as focussed now you have the responsibility of a small person?

Have any of you had a similar “life” plan? How did it pan out?

Apologies for all of the questions, I am just looking for some reassurance I guess.