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We Are All Mums

Author: Lottie Manns

Some of you may have read Elle’s posts here before following the loss of her son Teddy. It’s a heartbreaking story but Elle is full of courage, determination and love for her little boy. Even though Teddy was only alive for a few short days that doesn’t stop Elle being his mummy and today’s post is all about how she is learning to deal with the comments and questions that she receives.

When I started to write my thoughts down about this subject, I couldn’t recall whether I have touched on it before; not in its entirety at least. When you lose a child, your only child, some days it can be hard to consider yourself a mum. To be a Mum is an intrinsic thing, it’s built into us once we fall pregnant and give birth; but to be called a Mum and seen as one by others, well that’s something altogether different. It’s about how the outside world perceives you; do they really see you as a Mum, even though your child isn’t here?

I think the thing that’s got me thinking (and writing) about this the most is a comment that was made about me on a recent thread on a popular forum used by Mums (I’ll let you do the maths on that one). Granted, this lady didn’t like me that was clear (which then begs the questions why on earth does she then still choose to follow me on social media? We’ll leave that one for another day shall we?). It isn’t what she said about me that upset me at all, in fact I couldn’t give a toss about that (I mean, realistically we are never going to be everyone’s cup of tea are we?). It was the sentence she started her tirade with that cut me the deepest and took the very breath from my lungs. “I am not sure even she could even be considered an Insta-Mum, but Feathering the Empty Nest….” All I read was that she didn’t see me as a Mum, she didn’t recognise that Teddy made me a mother. She thought that because he was gone, it therefore made me less of Mum than anyone else on Instagram who chooses to write about or share photos of their Motherhood. I can remember feeling that same pang of hollowness that I felt after Teddy had died, like I had been unceremoniously pushed out of the Mummy Club once more. “Your child died, so you can’t sit with us.” This is my motherhood though.

If I was going to sum up the resounding feelings for me that losing Teddy have bought into my life; feeling excluded is an extremely powerful one. I know I am part of a club with all of the other lovely mothers I have met and spoken to who have also lost their children; but how does everyone else see us? The ones who don’t have any other living children here, to prove our existence as a Mother. Is my Motherhood less than someone who has their child here? Am I less of a Mother because Teddy died? Of course, I know the answer to those questions is no; but the person who wrote that comment didn’t see it that way did they? My son died and therefore my right to call myself a Mum and act as someone’s Mum is erased. She could have called me any name under the sun and it would not have even come close to upsetting me (Growing up with two older brothers will do that to you); but she had to go and say I wasn’t a Mum. So, to that person I simply say this……

Dear Inconsiderate Forum-Commenting-Keyboard-Warrior,

I understand that you think my Motherhood is worth less than yours, and I would like to tell you why it isn’t. I have a son; his name is Teddy. I gave birth to Teddy, I felt it, I saw it and I held him; my son. The thing is, although we didn’t know it during my pregnancy, Teddy was very poorly, and he was never going to live. That doesn’t make him any less of a person, he is just a person who died, because they were sick; like thousands of people do in the world every single day. Teddy only lived for three days; but during those three days, as we watched over him in his hospital cot and we used up every single ounce of positivity and every single wish we ever had for him, we were his devoted parents. We are still his devoted parents, and nothing changes that.

Unlike many other parents, our story is a little different. We held him when he took his first breaths, and we held him as he took his last. I felt equally proud of him in both of those moments. I didn’t feel scared when he took his last breaths, because I didn’t want him to know that I was scared; I wanted him to feel safe and know that his Mummy loved him. That’s what a Mother does isn’t it? Forgets her own feelings in order to protect those of her children. Instead, I read Teddy a bedtime story, stroked his face and kissed him. I told him how much I loved him and a held his little hand, so that he knew I was there; always looking after him. I would have done anything for things to have been different for Teddy, but sadly they were not to be.

When you lose a child, you don’t just lose them in the physical sense, you lose all of the plans that you had with them in your life and you lose all of the dreams that you had for them. In order to keep Teddy in our lives I write about him, and I talk about him openly to keep his memory alive and to keep him very much a part of our family. I also write so that other Mums, mums like me, will feel less alone and will not allow themselves to be isolated by people like you. In doing so I feel like Teddy is still here, showing me the way and helping me to muddle through life as best I can without him here. I owe it to him to say his name openly and proudly, and it makes me feel an enormous sense of pride when others can too.

Any mother who gives birth to a child (I don’t care how that child comes out into the world) is a mother. She is that child’s mother; not just until that child takes their last breath, but until she takes hers. I will not be made to feel like less of a Mum because Teddy isn’t here with me, and I will not be pushed out in the cold by people like you who think it’s OK to do that to someone who has already had to endure the hardest thing that any parent will ever have to go through. I won’t allow that to happen; not for myself, and certainly not for any of the other wonderful Mums I have met on this journey since losing Teddy. We are all Mums, and I could not be prouder of who I have become thanks to Teddy’s existence. Please just think about that the next time you consider who makes it into the club or not.

Elle x

(Teddy’s Mummy)

{Contributors}

Images by Anna Rowlondson Photography

Author
Author: Lottie Manns
Cake baker (and cake eater!) extraordinaire. Drawn to all things girly and glittery.
Follow Lottie on instagram @buttercreamanddreams

211 thoughts on “We Are All Mums

  1. Elle, the letter you wrote is beautiful and so very true. I remember a couple of well meaning people, after my twins died, talking about ‘when you’re a proper mum’. It cut deep. Xxxx

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. I just can’t believe how cruel some people can be. I avoid that forum at all costs! Do those that comment with horrible words not realise there’s a real person on the receiving end?!

  3. Elle you are such a brave, strong and beautiful woman. Your beautiful and honest words had me in tears. How lucky little Teddy was to have you as his mummy, something you will never ever cease to be. Lots of love xxx

  4. I’m so angry that someone could be so cruel. It makes me want to turn into some kind of psycho vigilante and wallop them Batman style, or bring back the stocks and pelt them with something unspeakable that is nonetheless sweeter smelling than their soul.

    Vitriol out of the way, Elle you are amazing. You write so wonderfully and are so deeply unselfish in helping others and sharing your feelings beautifully to make others feel less alone. Your words and images are a light in the darkness for others experiencing loss. Your fundraising will save lives. What gifts to give.

    You, your mama and Boris make my day on Stories regularly. Don’t you stop. Xxx

    1. That’s so lovely of you to say Lucy. I chuckled at your comment (especially the Batman part!). Thank you, for taking the time to read and for your kind words. Xx

  5. Sometimes the trolls need to be ignored but sometimes, just sometimes they need a mighty might kick up the derrière. This is one such occasion and what a heartfelt, strong, emotive, beautifully worded and considerate kick it was. I hope something was learned. Well done Elle.

    1. Well I’ve been called many things before, but Yummy Mummy is a new one…..I’ll take it! Thank you so much for reading Victoria xx

  6. Never give up hope Elle or allow others to take you back to that dark place. A beautifully written piece, I too lost my first child, a little boy, but then went on to have 3 incredible daughters, one of which just happens to be called Elle too. My little boy never leaves me & although nobody wants to acknowledge I’m a mum of 4 I always will be xxx

  7. Perfect response to someone who I hope never has to know the pain of losing a child. As it’s something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy… lots of love and high fives. One day at a time xxx

  8. Beautifully said, you write with reason and feeling. Unfortunately some people have too much hatred in their hearts to be able to understand something so pure and simple (oh no, now all I can think of is hearsay 🙈)
    It’s another form of discrimination and like all other forms it comes from a lack of understanding and empathy. The best way to deal with bigots is to point out they are misinformed and make it clear that their views will have no impact on the way you live your life. You’ve done just that. Children are hardly ever as proud of their parents as we are of them but it does happen and today Teddy is bursting with pride at his clever mummy who showed the nasty lady that mum’s are not to be messed with! Have a wonderful day! Xxx

    1. That’s really lovely of you to say Laura, I’m glad you think it’s a conversation that needs to be had. Thank you so much for reading xx

  9. Sometimes the internet can be such a hateful place and I don’t understand how one Mum can say that about another Mum. Your writing always inspires me and Teddy is so lucky you are his Mum!

  10. All the yes. People are unbelievably selfish at times.

    I remember being told at Alexandra’s funeral that “I would’ve made such a good mum” by my oldest friends mum who’s a nurse on SCBU! I would’ve thought that she’d have a bit more awareness.

    In my subsequent pregnancy I was told that my pregnancy was suffocating! What the person was complaining about was me speaking about my pregnancy and asking for understanding and support in a meeting in my own front room where my daughter’s f*cking ashes are on the mantelpiece!

    Some people are just serious cock wombles who have to have it harder than everyone else (when they clearly don’t) and just want to tear people down. They’re just emotional vampires sucking the joy out of things.

    I’ll stop ranting now!

    1. Haha, rant away. Sometimes we need to! I agree that sometimes it’s the people who we least expect to say the most hurtful of things, usually because they just aren’t thinking.
      Sending big love and thank you for reading. Xx

  11. Goodness Elle, I’m so sorry you even have to explain this to some god-awful people who would dare to think such a horrible thing. Of course you’re a mother. Your insta has such a lovely thread of Teddy’s memories and love running through it which is why we all follow it (as well as the fact your house is gorgeous but that’s not relevant here, hah). I don’t understand these people who think it’s up to them to dictate what people are and aren’t. You get to decide and you are fully paid up, card-carrying member of the Mum Club – and I’d like to sit with you please! 🙋🏽

    And, er, first rule of Mum Club is “be a nice human” so I’m all for kicking that keyboard warrior out until she can behave.

  12. Elle,
    you inspire me to be a better mummy because you are such a good one with everything you have achieved for Teddy – and he is so very lucky to have you! X

  13. The tears are streaming down my face As I write this. You truly are a mum and have protected your cub and your right to be Teddys mummy as only a true lioness mother could. There are many other other things I would like to say in regards to that heartless person but I feel what you have written here says it all and far more censored and eloquently than I ever could. So from one mummy to another ‘ well said!’ Xxx

  14. Beautiful, Elle. I’ve only recently discovered you after a friend of mine reccomended I follow your instagram as it was a ‘great local mum blog’. Those that would think of you as anything but a mother are missing a chip and it says a lot more about them than it does about you. Teddy is lucky to have such a devoted mother xx

    1. Thank you Nic, and I am really pleased to hear that you were recommended to my blog by a friend; that’s lovely to hear! xx

  15. This concept of motherhood as a club is so true. And it’s been hurting me horribly today. I am not allowed in the club because I can’t have a baby. So much marketing is aimed at being “in the club” so many cliches about being tired and blessed. The fact is a lot of these “mothers” lack the basic compassion that should be unavoidable as a mother. Others are lovely. And thats life I suppose. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. You have been and always will be Teddy’s Mummy and good for you not allowing anyone to take that from you xxx

    1. Thank you for reading Lucy. It’s a terrible feeling to feel like you are on the outside of something looking in isn’t it? I am so very sorry to hear about your fertility struggles; sending all the love. xxx

  16. Ellen I am disgusted that another woman could even be think such a uncaring,ignorant statement.

    Your reply is informative caring and without the need to go for her jugular.

    Keep doing what you do . You are helping countless women who have gone through, or are going through the same thing.

    Teddy must be do proud of his mummy, which you are and always will be.

    Linda.

    1. Thank you Linda. I would never have written an aggressive or angry reply to that person. My point is that she probably didn’t even think when she typed it, and my wish was to simply help to educate people in a little of what it feels like to be on the outside of something that you so desperately wanted to be your reality.
      Thank you for reading and for your kind words. xx

    1. Oooops, thinking many of my blogs might need to come with a “You will cry” disclaimer, as so many people tell me this?! Thank you for reading xx

  17. I can’t believe some people would be so horrible and heartless. Well, actually I can because some people are just douchewombats.

    But, sticking my head over the parapet slightly here, I do disagree with you. Not that you’re a mother but where you say “Any mother who gives birth to a child (I don’t care how that child comes out into the world) is a mother”. No.

    There are mothers who are mothers who didn’t give birth. Who are step-mothers, adopted mothers, foster mothers. Its not about giving birth (although I like the caveat about how that child comes out into the world) because there are women who give birth and abandon their child, who neglect their child and who give that child away. They are not mothers.

    Its not the act of giving birth that makes you a mother, its that you CARED so so SO much and you LOVED him and he is (not was) your whole world. That’s what makes you a mother.

    Sorry. But I feel SO strongly about the whole “giving birth” thing. I had to stop reading a lot of parenting blogs that were writing about IVF being their only option to be a parent because they wouldn’t consider adoption because “its not the same if they aren’t yours”. Grrrrrr.

    **goes off to look at the house on Instagram**

    1. Thank you Rebecca for reminding me that mothers come in all forms indeed, what a passionate comment to read. I could not agree with you more; as I personally know many people who have adopted their children and are absolutely the parents to those children, always.
      I didn’t mean to upset or offend you with the “giving birth” line, it was merely my observation that even though that’s how Teddy came into my life, people seem to be able to very easily erase that memory from theirs because he isn’t physically here now. I hope that makes sense?
      I think adoption is a wonderful thing, and would absolutely consider it if we were not able to have any more biological children of our own in order to give Teddy a sibling. Thank you for bringing such an important subject to the discussion. xx

    2. Thank you, Rebecca! As a woman desparate to be a mother and holding on to the hope of having a baby of my own despite the miscarriages your view is appreciated and shared 💕

    3. Thank you for recognising us mere ‘stepmums’ over here. I’ve brought up my stepson since he was just under 3 (he’s now 7) and time after time I’m ostrasized, especially by the other parents in the playground when I pick him up (mainly because they’re friends with his Mum) I’m used and abused when it suits her, I’m treated like a Childminder and a bank account. Despite the fact that I bathe him, feed him, provide for him emotionally, physically and financially. If I’m seen out and about with him people will come over and speak to him and ignore me (after all I’m only his Childminder). He has a very different lifestyle between his two houses and unfortunately, his other lifestyle of no rules and boundaries, means that he resents us and our parenting style. It breaks me heart but I can only hope that one day, when he’s old enough, he’ll realise.

  18. I’m so so surprised and saddened to hear that that thought even comes into people’s minds, a woman’s mind as well! Devastating. Then having the balls to be so heartless knowing what you’ve already been through. Keep paving the waves for others to share their loss and keeps their children’s legacy alive. Here’s to Teddy and Willow x

  19. Wow, just wow. Who do these people think they are? I know you have had problems with people before saying stupid things online – I honestly think it comes from a place of some weird form of jealousy where they somehow think you are getting attention that they don’t believe you deserve. I dont know what they get out of it. Well I think you’re wonderful and you and Teddy deserve all the attention in the world! It also reinforces for me why I never go on that particular website…

    1. My reasoning behind many of these comments is exactly the same as yours Emma. That or that many people simply do not think before the speak (or type!). Thank you for reading. xx

  20. Elle,
    After my baby boy died earlier this year, I found your post on Rock My Family and every little thing you said, resonated with me and I suddenly felt like I wasn’t the only one.
    You were dealing with Teddy’s death head-on and in such a positive way and I took so much from your post that I would actually credit you with helping me to come to terms with my own little boy’s death – even though we don’t know each other at all!
    From one mummy to another, thank you xx

    1. Lisa, I am so pleased that my words have resonated with you. I always say to my husband when I write, that if just one person who has lost a child recently reads my words and feels less like they are alone, then I shall have done my job. Sending love and light to you. xx

  21. Elle, I have one problem with what you’ve written. You’ve addressed her as an ‘Inconsiderate Forum-Commenting-Keyboard-Warrior’ – while there have been lots of great warriors over the years; Boudicca, Joan Of Arc, um… Brienne Of Tarth… This woman certainly isn’t one of them!

    She’s not a warrior. She’s a tw&t.

    You lady, are a wonderful Mum. It’s hard not to get knocked when people make stupid, hurtful or inconsiderate comments. It’s hard not to let what other people say get to you.

    I’m a Mum through adoption and have experienced exclusion in a different way. I’ve been dismissed because I haven’t experienced childbirth, or nurtured my baby through her early months, I’ve been patronised and ignored because so many other mums because they just can’t get their heads round the fact that we’re a different kind of family, because sometimes my little girl acts differently and I can’t tell them why, because they think we need their pity when we’re actually just fine thank you.

    We are all Mums, regardless of how we got here or how things turn out.

    Huge love xxx

    1. Karen, I could not agree with your comment more. We are all mums, no matter how we got there…….absolutely! Thank you for sharing your family story with me. I can’t begin to imagine what you have been through to get to where you are now, and it sounds as though your daughter is a very lucky little girl indeed to have you as her Mummy. Sending big love, and thank you for opening my eyes to the bigger picture of what family is. xx

  22. What a beautiful and emotional piece, I shed a few tears – not just in reading and trying to imagine the pain you must go through every day – but at the fact a human being could actually think and then write such a cruel thing. Of course you are a Mum and one of the best at that as I’m pretty sure I could not be as positive and strong as you have been if I had been through what you have. Much love x

  23. You are one hell of a strong Mummy! Good on you for speaking out! I’m sure you will have healed a part of you in this process and also helped many other Mums xx 😘

  24. I can’t believe how cruel people are sometimes it beggars believe. You have went through enough to not have to justify yourself to anyone.

  25. I hope this person is ashamed of themselves now and forever.

    You have been a wonderful mummy to Teddy and will always be, I want to say thank you to you for writing about your life and Teddy, and honestly reading all of your pieces you have made me a better person and a better mummy aswell.
    I will always be grateful for having found you.

  26. Unbelievable that someone could even think those thoughts, never mind write them. You are such a brave Mummy and hopefully comforted by Teddy’s spirit that will be with you forever. Xx. I can’t believe how upset this has made me.

  27. Elle you are every ounce a mother as everyone else who is rearing their child. Thank you for being a voice for those who deal with this tragedy day after day. Teddy has one of the greatest, strongest and loving mothers I know of. Thank you for being an example to me – mother to mother xx

  28. You have endured the worst thing possible as a parent & you are such a strong, inspirational mum. You really are doing Teddy so proud. Ignore the haters, nobody knows whats going on in her life to have commented such a heartless cruel sentence. I really hope she reads your letter xxx

    1. I don’t think it was a comment made by her with the intention to hurt my feelings, quite the opposite; I think she just didn’t think, and that’s my point. I never want anyone who has lost a child to feel any more excluded than it already makes you feel, that’s why I wrote this response. Thank you so much for reading. xx

  29. Oh Elle I’m so sorry that you read that comment, I read the thread too and when I saw that I remember thinking I hoped you wouldn’t see it! I 100% agree with what you’re saying, the only thing I would say if it makes you feel any better at all (probably not) is that I think possibly the intention behind it may have been not that you’re not a mum (of course you are!) but not an ‘instamum’ in the sense of posting about baby products all the time, if you see what I mean. I think it may have been worded very carelessly. You will always be a mummy. I think you’re so brave and inspirational and I love your account x

    1. Thank you so much Sarah. I completely agree with you that I don’t believe there was any malicious intention in her words at all. I just wrote a response to make her think, to make all of us think, just how easily our words can be misconstrued, and how in this instance they made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of the title “mother” in someone else’s eyes. Thank you for reading and for your kind words. xx

  30. Oh Elle, Bravo Hunni.

    For starters, I cannot comprehend why no one would not like you!! I think you are b****y hilarious and make my days easier to battle!!
    Now for that vile person, I hope you now sit down and think about that verbal drivel you directed at Elle. As the old saying goes if you don’t have nothing nice to say keep your trap shut!! I sincerely hope you learn a lesson before spewing your insentive, verbal diarrhoea once more!!
    She has been through enough and to do what she does on a daily basis, well I admire her. Her strength,not only to wear a smile but the strength to help other Mothers (yes, Elle is still a mother) and other families, whom quite frankly are commencing the everlasting emotional rollercoaster. My guess is you have neither had a child or have been fortunate enough to cradle, kiss, touch and watch them grow, not commencing this heart wrenching journey.

    I have never lost a child and quite simply, cannot comprehend what Elle and her partner go through on a daily basis. With both my girls I had traumatic pregnancies and labours, to which we nearly lost my youngest daughter. It wasn’t her time to be a little angel like Teddy but I never take for granted being her mummy. I still have flashbacks of that Labour and when I do I’m fortunate enough to be able to give her a extra tight squidge as re-assurance.

    Elle, keep going!! That beautiful little boy will be so proud to call you his mummy and when the time arrives for a little bundle of joy to come along, they too will have wonderful parents and a big brother in Teddy.

    All my love

    Sam xxx

    1. Thank you Sam. I am glad that Boris and I bring a bit of joy to your days through the wonders of Instagram. Thank you so much for your lovely words. xx

  31. Elle,
    I can not bear to think about what you have gone through-you are so brave to talk so openly about it.

    Shame on whomever feels it necessary to call you less of a Mum because of your heartbreaking situation.
    To be a mother is to love infinitely and to care for your children always and this does not stop just because they may not be here in body anymore.

    Teddy must be so proud to have such a strong brave Mother 💙

  32. I agree wholeheartedly, you are no less of a mum because your baby is no longer here. In fact, I think that makes you one of the strongest mums there is. x

  33. Oh Elle, how beautifully written. It is so true. One isn’t just a mother who has a living child. You became Teddy’s Mummy the moment you knew he was there. You carried him in and “underneath” your heart for months, felt his movements and got to know him in such an intimate way. That you had to lose him is the worst that can happen to any parent. You are a mother, you have been a mother and you will always be Teddy’s mother. No matter how long he got to live.
    Thank you for speaking up. For yourself and all the other mother’s out there!

  34. Well said I fail to understand why people bother to write hurtful comments as my mum said if you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all. You are a Mum a kind , caring , kind Mum and human being. Kind thoughts

    1. Thank you Ingrid. I really feel like the comment wasn’t made with malicious intent, but more in a way that the person who wrote it simply didn’t think. I just want to try and make us all think a little more about how things like that can be perceived by the person they are about, and that sometimes, even without intent, words can hurt. Thank you for reading. xx

  35. Why anyone has to say something like that is beyond me, it’s disgusting, but hopefully your letter and everyone else’s responses here and on insta should put her right.
    You’ve been very graceful in your response to her – well done you strong, amazing Mama xx

  36. Oh Elle.

    I read this and cried, and then I read it and cried again (and then I ate two custard doughnuts because I like to eat my emotions)

    Firstly, I think it’s absolutely devastating that you should even have to respond to that kind of comment, not because you should ignore it, but because that comment should NEVER have been made.

    Nobody in this world should ever have to go through the loss of a child, whether you child is minutes, hours, days , weeks, months, years old or even a child who wasn’t even able to see what this beautiful world had to offer. Losing a child at any stage is a pain nobody should ever have to go through (I myself have had a number of miscarriages, including my daughters twin) to go through the pain in itself is heart wrenching but for people to add to that pain with such insensitive comments is completely beyond me and I’m so sorry that somebody felt it their place to hurt you like that.

    Personally, I don’t believe in the term “InstaMum” but I do belive in being a Mum. Now, however we came about being a Mum is irrelevant, I personally grew one child in my womb and the other two I grew in my heart, for I am fortunate enough to be a Mum and a StepMum. But I’m also very aware that I am a Mum to many angel babies who I believe are watching over me every day, just as Teddy is you.There are so many types of Mums as Rebecca highlighted, but the term “Mum” doesn’t have to be a physically spoken word by a child, in my eyes, we are Mums from the second we fall pregnant, the second we choose to love another persons child as our own, the second we begin steps for fertility treatment…we are Mums from the moment our heart begins to yearn for a little person to love. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not a Mum, she’s wrong. You are. Very much so.
    Are you an InstaMum? No. Am I? No. Why? Because we are just Mums, one worldwide tribe of Mothers who are all in it together, there are no outsiders, the only ones who are outside, are the ones who choose to be, like that writer of the comment, but you know what, she’s more than welcome to join this ever growing tribe, so long as she chooses to accept that we are all in this together, each and every Mother on this Earth.

    Teddy darling, you are the brightest star in the sky, you may not realise it, but you have changed the world and moved mountains already. Be proud of your Mummy, for she is moving mountains with you.

    Sorry for the long winded comment, the more I type, the more I step away from doughnut number three.

    Emma (@ _honestlyemma_ )

    1. I love that analogy Emma, let’s all just be Mums shall we? Go for the third doughnut……I would?! Sending all the love xx

  37. “She is that child’s mother; not just until that child takes their last breath, but until she takes hers.” Words so powerful for a cruel thoughtless human being. I hope that mum feels very ashamed of herself on reading this beautifully wrtiten post and I hope she realises how privileged she is when she gets to put her babies to sleep tonight. On a more positive note, I’m glad you have been able to find an outlet to celebrate Teddy’s life. This surely was the purpose of his little life, to help heal other mums hearts, through you. Hugs from this mum and her little boy to you and yours. xx

    1. Thank you so much Alethiea, that’s really kind of you to say. I am really glad you found this piece of writing powerful, that was my intention; to make us all realise how much words can hurt without us realising. Thank you for reading. xx

  38. Elle, as always I am completely overwhelmed by how eloquently you write about Teddy and the love you have for him and for being his mummy.

    It shocks me to my core that someone would have written something as awful as they have however hopefully after reading your response they will learn from it and think before they dare to write anything of the sort again.

    As I’ve said before Elle, you are a true inspiration and to top it off you are hilarious! Your sense of humour makes you lovable and although your blog has come from one of the most saddest stories I have ever read all I think when I see your instastorys is ‘I love how much this girl makes me laugh, I love her house, absolutely love Boris and more than anything I love how even on my darkest days she makes me think ‘get up, get out and get on with life’!

    I thank you for your words Elle and for being you.
    Love
    Lisa xx

    1. Thank you Lisa, that’s really lovely of you to say. I am glad you find yourself laughing along with us on Instagram, that makes me very happy indeed! Sending big love xx

  39. Elle
    I think everyone has covered my feelings on this pretty well.
    Keep fighting the fight (of the poorly educated). You do your son proud every day.❤️

  40. So beautifully written, Elle. I think you are brave, defiant and positive. A mother a son would be very proud of and blessed to have known. You’re a fabulous Mummy. You can sit with me anytime.

  41. So beautifully written Elle, your eloquence on the subject takes my breath away and knowing that someone could be so utterly spiteful, heartless and cruel angers me to the core. I’ve started many sentences in this response with things like ‘You’ll always be Teddys Mum’ – but they all seem so feeble. The words I have aren’t strong enough. Of course you’re a mother, there is absolutely no question about that. The fact that someone wrote this makes me so angry! We also lost a daughter, at 21 weeks and I struggled with my identity for a while – ‘was I a Mum or wasn’t i?’ I knew deep down I was, but how did society see me? I can’t express how empowering and comforting it is to have found you and to see how strong you are. Now i have a daughter there is no question in my mind that I was a mother then just as much as I am now. I wish I could find that person and give them a piece of my mind. You are such an incredible woman and Teddy is so lucky to have you as his Mum xxx

    1. I am really pleased that my words have resonated with you Emma. Of course you were a Mum, you are a mum. Thank you for sharing your story with me. xx

  42. I never usually comment but I’m absolutely fuming for u. I lost a son 37 years ago, cotdeath and 22 months ago we lost our grandson 22/40. I will always be a mum of 4 and a grandma of 7. We now have a rainbow granddaughter(Molly), born at 29+6 at SPH. Thank u for all u do for NICU. I love your instragram posts, which make me laugh! xxxx

    1. Thank you for sharing your story with me Gail; I am so sorry that you have experienced a loss like this twice in your life. Thank you for following my Instagram, I am glad it brings you some laughs. Big hugs xx

  43. Elle,
    You are Teddy’s mother,
    Always have been and always will be.
    Don’t let another take that away,
    Don’t let them enter your feelings,
    Don’t let them enter your thoughts,
    You know and we know you are Teddy’s mother.

    You are Teddy’s mother.
    All ways have been and always will be,
    Don’t let anyone tell you differently,
    Don’t let anyone tell you you are not.
    You know and we know you are Teddy’s mother.

    You are Teddy’s mother.
    Always have been and always will be.
    The haters will hate
    The haters will type without thinking
    Let them be their thoughtless selves.
    Because we know and you know – youvare Teddy’s mother.

  44. Your response is a triumph. I
    And I’m so impressed you have replied to all of these comments, that’s a class act right there. Mummy, Writer, Woman. Seems to me like you are rocking all three.

  45. I just wanted to comment as I’ve been following you for so long and all the work etc youve been doing following Teddy is just inspirational.
    The reason I wanted to post is because I had an encounter the other day with another Mother and it’s been eating me up ever since.
    We were in a local cafe and I was with my youngest (9 months) and she was with her friend and her little one (7 months). We got chatting and eventually she said ‘oh do you have any other children?’ And I said yes,I have a little girl called Lily who is almost 3. I replied politely, ‘oh what about you, you have have any others?’ And she replied ‘Yes, no, yes, no, yes -I had a little girl and she died.’
    I just replied ‘I’m so sorry’ because at the time that’s all I could think, but ever since I’ve been thinking oh god, did I say the wrong thing, could I have said more? I just felt for her and the fact she didn’t know whether to say she had other children which I think yes, of course you do! Celebrate them!
    Sorry for the long comment! Hope all is well lovely and Cornwall is fab! My husband and I met at university in Falmouth so Cornwall holds a place in our hearts. Lots of love @lifewithlilyandchloe

    1. Don’t feel guilty about not knowing what to say; I honestly don’t think there is a right thing to say or not say when someone first tells you something like that. All i would say would be that if you see her again, don’t let it bother you or become a “thing”, ask about her little girl and you’ll most likely find that she want’s to talk about her.
      I am glad you love Cornwall too! How funny, my eldest brother and my lovely sister-in-law also met when they were both studying at Falmouth University, and got married fourteen years ago! My Aunty lives there too. xx

  46. Elle,
    I have been following you for a while now and how anyone could ever have anything bad to say about you is beyond me. The thoughtless Mum comment is very sad indeed. Surely the parents are on these forums for a reason – support, guidance and community. Not tearing down other women. I don’t think people realise how courageous, thoughtful and kind you are (don’t actually know you in real life but when you know, you know 😂). It takes a lot to put yourself out there and share your story with the world, and you give light, hope and laughter to so many. So many people are silently going through their own shit and your corner of the digital world is raising awareness and providing a platform for others to share their stories and know that they aren’t alone.

    Love to Teddy and his Mummy Elle xxxxx

    1. That’s really kind of you to say Lea. I am so happy to read that you love what I am doing, and that you appreciate why spreading awareness like this is so important. Thank you for reading, and for your kind words. xx

  47. I am a mother of 4. I have three living children and one that miscarried. To even suggest that the loss of a child makes you less of a mum is dismissing all of the love, hopes and dreams that you experience as a mum.

    I actually feel pity for the person who suggested that Elle is not a mother. How miserable,dark and dank must the inside of their head be to not only have such thoughts about another person but to actually post them on social media.

    Their own view of themselves as a mother must be so warped that I fear for the little mites they are raising.

    I came across Elle’s posts by accident whilst trying to work out how instagram works! Her posts make me smile and the generosity of her spirit renews my faith in humanity. I also think we would be bffs if we met in real life but that’s another story.

    Elle you are and always will be a mum. You are Teddy’s mum and will be until the end of days

    1. Thank you Louise; for following my Instagram (if only by mistake!) and for taking the time to read this post. I can only think that when someone posts something like that, that they just aren’t thinking how something like that can be read. I honestly don’t believe it was written with any malicious intent, they just weren’t thinking. Thank you for your supportive words. xx

  48. Im glad it doesnt make you angry as no one elses opinion matters, of course you are his mother, you carried him and was there for him in the way all good mothers are. The way you have used your experience to help others is amazing, dont let anyone get you down xx

  49. Unfortunately there will always be a***holes in this world but what an inspiring and amazing way to handle such a person! Your courage and strength is so wonderful!

    After 2 miscarriages, I consider myself a mum, despite how others may see me. It didn’t work out as we wanted but they are still my babies and always will be. Your posts and outlook have helped me feel less alone in something few people seem to understand, so thank you for that.

    You are and always will be a Mum, Teddy’s mum xxx

    1. I am so pleased to hear that my words have resonated with you Alice. Thank your reading, and for reminding me why I continue to share my writing. xx

  50. this just made me tear up. Don’t let other people’s nastiness drag you down, send that negativity back where it belongs with that horrible person. You are an amazing mummy xx

  51. I love following you on insta and I love your courage and positivity it’s truly inspiring. Each of us have our own stories and views and it’s great you use your experience to help others. Xxx

  52. Elle you are so brave, so eloquent and so gracious in trying to make this ‘lady’ understand. I will never understand how someone could be so heartless, thank you for writing, for challenging, for being Teddy’s Mummy xx

    1. I don’t consider myself to be brave at all; I think sometimes you just need to say it how it is and hope that enough people hear it and that they understand the importance of why it needed to be said in the first place. Thank you so much for reading. xx

  53. Elle, you are an inspiration to so many – great letter, I hope said Moron gets to read it. Love your insta and your attitude to life, Teddy is gorgeous and is lucky to have such a wonderful mummy. Sending lots of love 💙

  54. Wow…I have read Elle’s story before but this had me in tears.
    As a mother this conjures up such strong emotions of sadness to even imagine the loss of a child in any circumstance.
    I think the real question here is that woman’s integrity…I mean is she herself really a Mum?!?! This is questionable as surely any loving mother would have empathy for those who have endured such heartbreak and loss? I know I do for sure and I think the majority of women and mothers out there do too. #inspirational #featheringtheemptynest

  55. Wow your words, which I know are from your heart, moved me to tears. I too am a new mummy (to 5 month old Grace) and I could not imagine losing her. Teddy is so lucky to have you as a mummy and always will be. Forget what insensitive, down right stupid people say. You will always be a mummy to Teddy.
    Love following you, your insta-stories always brighten my day and you should always be proud about how you bravely talk about Teddy
    Anna x

    1. Thank you so much Anna. Congratulations on becoming a Mummy to Grace, and thank you for taking the time to read about Teddy. xx

  56. I truly cannot comprehend how someone could even contemplate the possibilty that you are not a mother let alone put it out in writing. I know you don’t need validation from anyone but you very much are a mum & a far stronger, more eloquent one I am certainly am never mind compared to that hideous specimen of one. You are certainly the kind of mummy I would want in my mum gang x

  57. So brave and courageous to write this response. Elle you are an inspiration. I follow your story on Instagram and find you endearing and honest. You will always be Teddy’s mum! Xxx

    1. I am glad you enjoyed it Vicky, thank you for reading and for your kind words. It’s so good to hear that people enjoy what I am doing on Instagram! xx

  58. I just want to say what a brave and elequently written letter. Such an amazing thing to speak out and share with other mums. I truly believe as mummy’s we should all stick together, be honest and build each other up, not try to tear each other down.

    I am sure your son Teddy is so proud of you xx

    1. Thank you Becky. I truly believe in that too; not just as Mummy’s, but as females. Building each other up is definitely the way to go! Thank you for reading. Big love xx

  59. Elle, what a beautifully written response to such a cruel, thoughtless, insensitive and ignorant comment. I understand all too well the feelings you have about being a mother when your child is not physically here. Our son, Callum, was still born at full term and although I never had the opportunity to bring him home from hospital and be his mum in the way that I had expected, I did leave that hospital as Callum’s mum. Because your child is not physically with you doesn’t make you any less of a parent, it just means that you parent your child in a different way. Callum is and always will be very much part of our family and his presence will be with us all forever. His younger brothers who are now 15 and 17 know and love him as their brother and when they were little boys they would often talk to people about their other brother, Callum. The fact that they speak so freely and in such a matter of fact way about their brother has made Callum’s place within our family all the more real. We are a family which Callum is part of; my boys are brothers to him as he is to them; and my husband and I will always be his dad and mum, as he will always be our son. I am and always will be the proud mum of three fabulous and inspiring sons. Each one of them has brought such precious gifts to our lives and to deny my role as a mum to Callum would be to deny the love and inspiration that he has brought to us. Thank you Elle for speaking so honestly about your family, you are an amazing mum to Teddy, and the work that you do in his name, is an incredible legacy to your little boy.

  60. Beautifully eloquent as always Elle. Always a mummy xx I love your insta account and think you’re a true inspiration to all mummy’s xxxx

  61. Tears running down my cheeks reading this. I’m so sorry that you even had to write this but you’ve done a beautifully eloquent job. There is no doubt that you are an amazing mummy and Teddy is so proud of you.

  62. Sitting here in tears, what a brave and amazing Mum you are. How you behaved when Teddy died and the strength you had is so admirable. Life can be unbearably cruel at times and I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. Wishing you so much happiness and I avoid Mumsnet like the plague, it’s a snake pit! X

  63. “And so say all of us” beautifully put Elle, you never cease to amaze me that even though your heart must ache from the loss of your son Teddy it is filled with so much love, you keep doing what your doing and shout his name from the rooftops if you want to because he is yours and always will be. I feel sorry for those haters, what could have brought them to that point that made them so cruel and bitter, they are truly missing out on life. Stay strong you are ❤️

  64. I think you’re just wonderful and an inspiration to all! Teddy was ever so lucky, I think he must be ever so chuffed and proud that you’re such an all round super human!
    ‘That’s my Mum that is! (So screw you nasty forum lady!!)’ 🐻❤

  65. What a most eloquently , graceful , heartfelt and well written reply to simply a sad , disgraceful , heartless so called human.

    I am a mother to five boys and I follow you because ; 1) you are a great character and 2) I love you strength , compassion and positivity also 3) I think Carol is great and 4) because you will always be Teddy’s mummy ….

    Let the haters hate #staystrong #Teddy4ever

  66. Dear Elle,

    Ms. Keyboard Courage wrote that negative comment, speaking from utter ignorance and desire for attention. There is a saying, point one finger at someone else you point three at yourself. The responses received on this page show that all she managed to do is draw attention to her ignorance and to her toxicity and nothing more. By implication, however, it is her ignorance and toxicity that have upset you. So, Sister, there are two things to understand, for all time:

    1. You are a mother. Your husband is a father. Teddy is your darling, precious, son. These are chemical, biological, physical facts. Let’s look at a couple of examples from creation as they relate to the very nature of life. From clouds, we get rain, rain is cloud death, from rain we get water, then water-vapour, which makes clouds, which makes rain. It is an ever-changing cycle but, not only that, it is a most-important “life-giving” process without which life is impossible. From this example we see, there is no such thing as death proper, there is only life, and it is magical.

    Another example comes from trees. When bark falls off, it is a process of growth and change. Without this process, the trees which give us life-giving oxygen would not perform. That bark goes back into the ground in order to nourish growth of the tree. That bark continues to have a most important, life-giving, function in its own continuous process of functional development and renewal. Humans can affect the life process, their own and that of others, but the life force itself is not determined by humans and it does not stop due to human ignorance (Matthew 10:29-31).

    Just as the bark remains a part of the tree and the tree remains a part of it; and just as the water remains a part of the cloud and the cloud is inextricably related to the water, regardless of the natural changes which had to take place, so Teddy is a part of you and you are forever his mama. However, in getting upset by Ms. Keyboard Courage, what you have done is become enslaved by the burden of her ignorance which has no place in your life. It is akin to carrying a pile of her dirty laundry. It is NOT your stuff.

    In becoming a mother, what you have experienced is the trauma of change because of a mother’s love. But you also know that the love of a parent is a selfless type of love. To actively grow so much as to accept selflessly Teddy’s high calling and to work to make the absolute most of it, in spite of all the plans you had, confirms that true selflessness and love known only by the best and most humble of parents. Please do not think, “I had no choice but to accept.” Yes, acceptance is a choice, and you do it in honour for Teddy, because you are his parents. If you are not, then who is?

    2. The second thing to understand relates to the psychology of toxic people. Theoretically, we all have issues but, what makes toxic people different, is that they are afraid to confront their own issues and, instead, project their feelings of discomfort on to other people in order to give themselves momentary sense of relief. The literature refers to this exercise as a type of addiction because the toxic person relies on projection to feel good about themselves. When the relief by projection wears off, they set about projecting again, on to another victim. Projection is like a drug which has it’s neurochemical correlate for the temporary and artificial relief that it provides. The critical thing to understand about projection, however, is that in order for it to be successful in providing relief to the toxic person, the victim must react. To the toxic person, the attention they receive in response to their toxicity is proof that they have scored. That is when the high happens. To put this in to context, this is why she posted her toxicity publicly rather than privately. She has a toxic need for attention. Therefore, it is vital to not react to toxic people. When a non-toxic person reacts with an explanation, they try to educate the toxic person about their insensitivity by showing them how much their words hurt. However, it is important to understand that the toxic person’s issues go much, much deeper than that and they suffer greatly because of them.

    In conclusion, for the endless good that you share with this world, Elle, a very unfortunate but inevitable outcome is that you will attract trolls. DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS.

    On the other hand, I and thousands of others ADORE you more than peanut butter KitKats and thank you, sincerely, from the bottom of our heart and soul for the life-changing work you do.

    There is more to life than what we see (Jeremiah 29:11).

    Lots of Love,

    Jane

    P.s., I should clarify that whilst I have included some biblical references in this post, in no way do I attempt to proselytize.

    1. Jane, what an utterly brilliant comment. Thank you so much! I particularly like being compared to Peanut Butter KitKats, a blogging-career highlight for me I must say! Thank you for supporting what I am trying to do and the message I am trying to spread. Sending big love xx

  67. Elle you go girl one proud mama, beautiful words as always!… No one has the right to make anyone feel less of a mummy at all!!!!!… much love to all you wonderful mummies out there!.. xxx liz xxx

  68. Oh Elle. This hurt my heart. You are such a dear and lovely woman and I think I speak for so many who follow you. You handled that person with more grace than they deserve. Keep strong. Know there are so so many of us who care for you and look forward to seeing what you, Carol, Boris and hubby are up to everyday. You are a bright light in this world. Keep shining!

    1. Thank you Lora, that is really lovely of you to say. I must say that I am also loving how many people like to see what Carol is up to?! You shall be pleased to hear that she is joining us in Cornwall this weekend! Carol on tour….
      Thank you for reading xx

  69. Elle…this was beautiful…you ARE a mother and will ALWAYS BE a mother. I live in the States, so please know what an impact you are having all around the world! I follow you on Instagram and think you are incredibly brave. I have shared your story with friends and family. Thank you for being you and know that sharing your heart and soul with us is a gift. You are loved! @melodyborg

  70. This was so eloquently said Elle, I know you’ve had lots of replies and felt I had to add mine. I now have two living sons the youngest celebrated his 18th birthday yesterday. I consider myself very blessed to have the opportunity to care for my sons. 22 years ago I had my firstborn son who was Stillborn, I am a mum to Three boys, Luke, Joel and Ethan,as you are mummy to Teddy, as you will always be and you are right to feel sorry for the people who write such things. There but for the grace of God go I. Xxxxx

  71. Thank you for sharing your story. You’re a mum and you always will be. No one will ever take that from you. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re amazing and Teddy is lucky to have you and your husband as parents xx

  72. Just wow..

    Ellie you are truly inspirational. I personally think you are one of the bravest mumma’s ever… I think the way in which you talk about teddy is very much keeping him alive for everyone to see.. through you we all have the pleasure of meeting him and seeing just what an amazing little boy he is, they way he has shaped your life is perfectly beautiful.

    Your little family may not be physically complete but mentally and emotionally there are memories and those memories help provide new dreams and plans . I won’t for one moment try to say I know how you feel because I don’t , I have however been through the nicu process and fought tirelessly to help my son get better . I don’t think I would have been as brave as you had be not pulled through…

    I fought everyday of my pregnancy to keep him going and inside and we fought for weeks after his arrival, he is now a tiny 2 year old twinnie who’s older twin towers him but he beat the odds and he is here .. there are plenty of problems along the way and I’m sure I’ll have plenty more but to hear your story and see how amazing you are just makes me burst with love towards you and your family..

    Carry on being amazing and inspiring people.. you are just amazing and a beautiful mummy..

    All my love
    Dana x

  73. Wow!! Firstly I can’t believe any human being, especially one who is a mum could be so heartless to even think those things let alone write them about you and secondly, how you have dealt with said woman is amazing. You are a mummy, and so is every woman who has grown a tiny human inside them despite of how far that pregnancy has got or whether their little bundle was too precious for this earth. Keep being you Elle, Teddy has a wonderful Mummy xx

  74. The irony is breathtaking. These forums are set up presumably with the intention of providing support and for them to be hijacked by such puzzling and unwarranted bile is really sad.

    Anonymity and the gang mentality allows people to dismiss in one typed paragraph, events and feelings that have fundamentally shaped another person’s life.

    Thankfully I have never experienced the pain of losing a child but I have very close friends who have. Your beautiful, strong, brave words give comfort and a voice to people who are bewildered and often feeling utterly adrift. They also save lives and encourage hope. Thank you and thank you for not letting those ignorant people silence you.

  75. Wow. I am so outraged for you that someone would think that, let alone say it. Beautiful words and a very rational but emotional response. I can’t imagine how it feels to go through what you’ve gone through but there is absolutely no doubt that you are 100% a mother x

  76. A beautiful response which brought tears to my eyes Elle! I follow you on Instagram, and I am inspired by your positivity, courage and how brave you are. You will forever be Teddy’s mummy, he would be so proud! Xx

  77. Absolutely beautifully written. I’m ashamed that any human being and fellow mother who has carried a child and brought them into this world would say such a thing. Or even think such a thing. Your very strong and should be extremely proud of yourself for handling this horrid situation with such grace. A truly inspirational mother!

  78. You ARE ALL just the type of mums I’d want in my mum club! Here’s to ALL the beautiful mums! Thank you for inspiration and love ❤️

  79. So beautifully written, although you should never have needed to justify your role as a mother. Your positivity is a strength to others and you should be immensely proud of that.

  80. So beautifully written and because it brought tears to my eyes, I had to comment. Keep talking about your beautiful boy and I hope others around you do too. Relatives of ours lost their beloved child when only 2 years old and I always make sure I mention their child whenever we see them. Sending you my very best wishes – from one Mum to another xx

  81. Such a beautiful message to those who don’t obviously understand.
    Beautifully written for those who do understand. You are a very brave Mummy! Xx

  82. Elle, your beautiful and heartbreaking words had me in tears which usually, only happens when I watch Titanic. I am so sorry you had to relive the pain of beautiful Teddy’s passing through the monstrous writings of some faceless nobody on the Internet. Their harsh and thoughtless words only cement your role as Teddy’s mummy and I can only hope that one day, I get the opportunity be even half the mummy that you are. I wish you and Teddy all the love in the world

  83. This world makes me despair sometimes that people can be so utterly heartless and completely cruel. Your unbelievably dignified reply is too good for someone like that. You will always be a mum. Xx

  84. I am So sorry that people like this feel the need to pass comment.

    You are a wonderful mum and Teddy is so proud of you xx

  85. Mean girls are mums too !! … how disappointing that grown women don’t leave the nasty schoolgirl stuff behind in the playground and carry on being awful on a faceless forum ?!
    You know in your heart that you are a much better woman (and mum) than to allow these so called fellow mums to diminish your memory … keep on being fab xxx

  86. Hi Elle, once again you have written with such class and dignity…you are indeed a mum, and Teddy is so lucky that a warrior like you was chosen for him ❤️ I read an earlier comment about wanting to be a vigilante batman 😆 and I’m with that lady! Some people really need to engage their brain before tapping their keyboard, but you gave the prefect response. As always I’m sending you and Nico so much love and positive energy…..now…get back to enjoying Cornwall!xxxx

  87. God bless you elle….u and your family deserve all the happiness in the world….ur hopes and dreams wil come true for u an nico 1day……people like that can only lead very sad and empty lives 2 want to spread such nastiness.certainly cannot b a mum themselves thats for sure,god help her children if she is

  88. Elle, thanks for sharing your story. Thankfully there isn’t a mummy scale, but if there was, in my eyes, you’d be right at the top. It’s a shame there are such wallys who feel it necessary to write such utter tripe online. Please know that her opinion is very much the minority and that you are, and always will be, a fully fledged member of the mum club xxx

  89. It is completely understandable how this remark has upset you so much, but I really don’t think it was meant in the way it has been taken. Maybe the poster just assumed that you were a pug lover and interior lover and thats why they said they didn’t think you were an instamum, not because your baby has sadly passed away. I truly beleive that a person who deserves the kind of severe response you have given them, would be a person so cold and uncaring that they would have said it in a much meaner and nastier way. If someone had written something so harsh such as “how does she call herself a mum in light of her circumstances” then of course, your reply would be just, but they didn’t and its therefore, maybe its not. I think we also need to try and see the good in people too, maybe the poster really liked you and didnt want you to get caught up in the gossip so tried to say you werent really an instamum, not because your baby had died, but because she may see you in a different way than someone who is constantly posting and advertising kids products, kids holidays etc, just maybe thats what an instamum is to her. Maybe she sees instamums as negative and yourself as positive!

  90. Wow, you are truly inspiring and Teddy is very very lucky to have you as his mummy 💕 I follow you on Insta and love what you post about Teddy, it’s so reassuring to other mums going through similar. It’s also lovely to see so much love and warmth in these comments against people who can be so cruel, hiding behind a keyboard. I will never understand it. Xx Ps I don’t want Boris to get too big an ego but will you tell him he is pretty amazing and I love watching him live his best life 😍

  91. Elle, I can’t believe that anyone could be so heartless, rude or disrespectful. I have spoken to you recently about my loss and told you how much I admire you and your courage. You truly are an inspiration and the bravest, strongest Mummy I know. Your a Mummy that Teddy is proud to be a Son of and he always will be. Sending all my love to you.. 💙

  92. Where do you even start with someone who could write something so cutting and thoughtless! A very considered and touching response which shows quite how remarkable you are! May we all continue to be inspired by your bravery and story! Xox

  93. The way you write is just mind blowingly perceptive.

    I’m sending this to an old friend of mine, Nicola Welsh who lost her middle son Theo during a time we worked together. Theo was three weeks old but what he achieved in his lifetime & what his Mamma continues to do in his name & the name of other children who’ve left us too soon never ceases to amaze me.

    Nicola’s life journey changed in so many ways because of Theo – she left teaching (despite being fantastic at it!) & is now CEO of the Charity SANDS LOTHIANS which supports other bereaved parents of children.

    I follow your blog & have always meant to ask her if she’s done the same – I know she’ll resonate with much of your journey. I’m sending her a link now.

    Thankyou Elle, Teddy’s Mummy, for being so brave & sharing your thoughts x

  94. This is everything. We lost our first baby at 11 weeks pregnancy and it’s so weird and hurtfull to suddenly be pushed out of the mum club. Even people who are close to you can say things and ignore that once there is this life, you are a mother. And you have motherhood experiences to share. With the risk of being misunderstood here… isn’t every mother’s worst nightmare to have to say goodbye to your child? To never be able to see it again? To never see that beautiful life unfold?
    My parents lost their first baby after 3 days as well and now, 28 years later it still has a big impact on our family and she’s not forgotten. Sending you lots of love.

  95. I am fellow bereaved mother and I can wholeheartedly relate to your feelings described above. I too felt excluded from a magical club of mothers after my loss, and it didn’t help that, ironically, during my pregnancy I had joined a group called ‘Mum’s club’ on social media. After my loss, I stayed on it but decided to leave after a while. We are mothers, as you say, but not in the way we had expected, or even that others may expect. The babies still exist, but they aren’t with us here. It is my belief that they are elsewhere, and in another life, one that doesn’t end, we will be together. Teddy is enormously privileged to have a mother that articulates herself so beautifully, and loves him so much.

  96. Elle,

    I follow you on Instagram and although I am not a Mother yet (hopefully in the next few years!) you are absolutely everything I aspire to be in one.

    You are a wonderful person and are doing so much good.

    Keep smiling.

  97. If only people would just stop and think. Just stop. The sad thing is I’m not shocked anymore by the ghastly and awful things I’ve heard over the last 11 years. What has changed though is the courage to speak out and make ourselves heard thanks to social media. You’re a real super inspiration Elle. Thank you for being all our voices. Xxx

  98. OMG sat here balling my eyes out 😭😭😭 those ladies are mean. It’s the mean girls club. We are all women and should be supporting women regardless – not putting them down, and these so called ‘mothers’ should know better!! They are just keyboard warriors nothing more. It’s so sad that your Teddy had such a short life, life can be so cruel. However, that doesn’t mean he didn’t exist!! It means that you are a mother; sometimes even more of a stronger mother than most. I have friends who have gone through infant loss and still birth and it’s hard, incredibly hard..I wouldn’t want to ever wish that pain and heartache on anyone. And to suggest they aren’t mothers simply cos their child isn’t hereis such a horrid thing to even think. You are a mother as soon as you see those lines/words on the test. All those hopes, plans, dreams, wishes… Your Teddy will be with you always, ignore the mean girls xxx

  99. There are no words, but at the same time the words you wrote are everything. All the love in the world to you and all the respect and pride for speaking out. You are most definitely a Mum now and a Mum forever. Xxxxx

  100. Brave, beautiful and inspiring words. You sound like a wonderful mum. Thank you for sharing your story with us, I hope that the original poster is listening and has learnt a valuable lesson about being kinder with her own words. xx

  101. I never fail to be amazed at your beautiful writing and gracious words during times that must stretch your tolerance and consideration greatly. If only everyone shared your compassion…………

  102. Oh Elle, I’ve just read your story and I’m SO sorry that someone said such a hurtful thing to you. Being a mum is a precious gift and to say something like that not only hurts mums like you who have lost their child but it also hurts mums who adopt children, are they not mums because they physically didn’t give birth to their adopted child? Of course they are mums! To lose a child is one of the hardest things in life, an unbearable loss leaving a void that can never be filled, something that deserves every ounce of empathy and compassion that can be given to the grieving parents, and certainly not something that is used solely to hurt another human being, that is shameful and disgraceful. To the person who said those words to you, I pity you, for you have a heart made of stone, cold and callous and if you should ever find yourself grieving the loss of your child then I hope you receive the compassion you clearly lack. For as Elle says, you are a mum till you take your final breath and we all hope to leave this earth before our children, sadly that’s not always the way. Such a dignified response Elle, hold your head high and hold your beautiful son Teddy in your heart, safe in his Mummy’s love forever❤️ xx

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