I was actually really nervous about James going away ski-ing on Wednesday (he’s back later “this” evening as this feature is published). I’ve had responsibility of Mabel on my own overnight before, on a number of occasions come to think of it – but never two nights consecutively, and certainly not almost a week.
And I felt crap for feeling nervous. Mabel is my daughter, looking after her is my job. There are thousands upon thousands of single parents out there who manage every minute of every day pretty much all by themselves, in comparison my short term situation (with considerable help from my parents I might add) should be a walk in the proverbial park.
I didn’t say anything to anyone about it, I just needed to get over myself and get on with it, right?
Then Friday happened. The girls from my NCT group came round for tea and cake and during a conversation about James’s mountain adventures my friend Lisa simply announced that she hated it when her partner Richard went away – even for a night. There was then much nodding in agreement and discussions surrounding the importance of sharing responsibilities between both parents and who does what. Really insightful stuff actually, and certainly made me feel less of a wimp.
Then I received an email from Susie, a reader of Rock My Style and Mama to Tom. Her communication started off asking for make-up advice and finished with the exert I have detailed below:
…On a more serious note I would like to sincerely thank you for your wonderful section of the online world. Our path to parenthood was difficult and although Tom is very much loved I was stuck by postnatal depression pretty soon after his birth. At a time when I could barely function, reading about your journey with Mabel really helped me. As did all the comments from the lovely ladies that follow you. They say motherhood is swimming whilst leaning to swim – and sadly on some social media outlets the swimming pool seems full of sharks. It’s lovely to read the advice of kind supportive women who, like myself, are learning as they go, sharing the experience with other mums, and leaving their judgy pants at the door.
Tom and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts
Susie and Tom xx
This made me cry a bit I won’t lie – but in a very VERY good way. We’ve built a super community on our tiny part of the internet and stuff like this makes me so proud I could cartwheel. I don’t know why I didn’t just mention my predicament on one of my regular Monday morning posts as I know you lovely lot would have been only to happy to offer support and advice.
Things have been challenging these last few days as to be expected, Mabel was up Friday from 3.30am until 6am with a tummy upset which meant we were unable to attend a birthday party on Saturday that I was really looking forward to taking her to. She also woke up absolutely soaked through yesterday morning which made me feel terrible (this has never happened before) and I mean literally through her grobag and bed sheets. Her nappy was changed before bed at 7pm so it was a fairly usual 12 hour stint. I assume it is because she is perhaps drinking more fluids than normal, or just bad luck.
And then I remember that it’s not just me who deals with the trials and tribulations of being a parent, and no matter how trivial they may seem, some situations can be really bloody difficult to deal with.
Motherhood is the best and the most challenging experience of my life. And even though I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet to have such a beautiful healthy baby there are days where I don’t have the foggiest clue how I am going to cope.
And you know what? admitting that is ok.
I’m with Susie – thanks from the bottom of my and Mabel’s heart for only ever wearing your best, terribly fancy non-judgemental undergarments at all times.
my husband does business trips to London at least twice a month usually for 2 nights and sometimes farther afield for up to a week. I usually decamp to my mums if it’s a long trip! now David is 2.5 it’s hard because he is aware of the absence and gets quite upset at missing his Daddy. on the upside I get to watch all my trashy tv!
I think if something is out of your comfort zone it’s always going to be tricky and it really doesn’t matter that other mums seem to manage it!
That’s it Kathryn – good expression “out of your comfort zone”. Love your upside! (I liked the fact I could do my Tracy Anderson DVD in the living room where there is lots more room and I can listen to Taylor Swift without disturbing James’s TV watching…)
Morning Charlotte! I really don’t know how you manage to make these posts so timely – well for me anyway! With yesterday being Mother’s Day it provided the opportunity to reflect on the last 5 months which have been totally amazing, but equally challenging! I had a bit of a wobbly week last week, I went out for Dinner with the girls from work, after making a major effort to sort childcare etc because my Husband works crazy hours and my mum was also working, I left the meal feeling, well …very separate! It’s amazing how quickly life moves on for people, I felt a bit left behind. Leading me to question whether I want to go back to work! I was also having a crisis of confidence about my appearance and figure, then read your post about fashion which put things into perspective!
I also totally understand the freaking out about being in sole control of a little life, my Husband works away, a lot. After two weeks paternity leave, he was away for 10 weeks Monday – Friday. And there was a couple of nights when Edie would just not sleep and I was sat on the edge of the bed crying in despair as I was so tired and had no idea what to do. Looking back I felt such a failure, but on reflection, I realised I’m only Human, a first time Mama learning the ropes like everyone else! It’s ok not to have all the answers! No one does! I’m very fortunate to have a great support in my Mum who lives very close, but it can still be really hard. Susie my heart goes out to you, I hope things have improved. My advice would be to steer clear of the majority of the Mummy social media outlets, I don’t feel they offer a true reflection of parenthood! There is no shame in admitting you are/have struggled, perhaps if people were more open and honest about life, there would be less stigma surrounding depression. No ones life is perfect, despite appearances. Thank you Charlotte and RMS for being true. (And sorry for this massive ramble!)
Never apologise for a massive ramble! And no, no-ones life is perfect, far from it. I don’t understand how these Mumsnet/netmums type forums (seriously, which one copied which?!) attract so many unpleasant people. It’s disappointing. x
Love the lovely RMS readers! Never easy coping with little ones on your own but it does get easier. I’m with Danielle here a my husband was back away with work when Molly was 2 weeks old and although only for the odd night it was sooo hard and I too sat on the edge of the bed fretting. Now looking after the girls on my own in the week is the norm as if he isn’t away he is working long hours. They get so excited if Daddy does actually make it home for bedtime and Monday mornings are always hard as they hate him going back to work. Plus I love the weekends more as he lets me have a lie in till at least 8 o’clock and 9 if I’m lucky! Regarding the soaked through nappies it will happen, quite a lot! I found going up a nappy size, even just at night, really helped and I have heard you can get extra liners to go inside. Also, I sometimes managed to do a sneaky nappy change before I went to bed without waking them! What skills! xx
I may investigate liners Lottie – she already takes a 4+ nappy and wonder if the next size would be HUGE?!
Lie ins are such a luxury these days – love how you class 8am as one, remember when a proper lie in was to at least 10am?! I really didn’t appreciate them at the time….
My little boy is a month younger than Mabel and my husband has been going away for the last few weeks for 3 or 4 nights and has just left again this morning for a two night stint its horrible and makes me feel stressed when I’m on my own but I’m not really sure why because we cope just fine usually xx
I think it’s the unknown that’s the stressful part – babies are very unpredictable, more so than I really considered before I was a parent to be honest x
I also have to start by thanking you for these posts, I too gave up fairly early with the other mummy social sites, as in during my pregnancy, I found out at my 20 week scan that I had complete placenta previa and had to have loads of extra scans, a months stay in hospital before the birth and a planned c-section, they didn’t really tell us too much about it at the scan so one of the first things me and the hubster did was research online, well needless to say the fear of God was put in me about bleeding out, and loosing the baby, not to mention about being judged for the reason this occurred (for the record, I don’t smoke, had Fred at 28, had no previous babies, or surgerys,it was just one of those weird things lol!)
In the end I chose not to use these sources to discuss pregnancy and motherhood as I just didn’t feel comfortable, here I feel like I can put my feet up with a cup of tea and rant if I want too!
Back to the discussion on parenting, Chris left me and Fred for a long weekend when Fred was only 4 and a half weeks old, I hadn’t even started driving yet! So my mummy came to look after us!!
Since then there have been a couple of nights away and some stag nights, and although I hate the idea of solo parenting, it’s kinda lovely just being me and Fred For a few days!
Susie I too hope things have improved for you, I have a friend going through a similar situation so my heart goes out to you xxx
Gosh Lizzie, I could write an essay on the awful things I read about c sections when I found out I would have to have one, it’s what put me off accessing the internet for information. I’m glad everything turned out ok for you and I do know what you mean, I’ve enjoyed having Mabel all to myself 🙂 x
I’m a bit in love with this post! It’s so true, I’m not sure id have coped without places like this and my NCT girls. I think it’s so important to share your experiences and feelings when it comes to motherhood, a problem shared really is a problem halved in this case. Sometimes when we’re having a bad day and I go on Instagram and see all the images of domestic bliss it just makes me feel like everyone else has got this, except me. When in actual fact, we just don’t share the crappy stuff on Instagram.
The other day we had the most almighty poo explosion in the middle of town and i completely panicked, forgot all rational thought and just wanted to stand there and weep a little. The next day I retold the story to my mummy friends and had us all in complete stitches. I’ve found a sense of humour about it all has been my best tool for the not so glamorous days and having lovely folks like you to share them with makes it so much better! For example, it’s taken me about an hour to write this inbetween strops and rescuing from attempting to climb the stairs (why did I ever think it was tough before Emmy could move? I’m exhausted chasing after her constantly!), so apologies if it makes no sense haha.
Xxx
I like to look at pretty pictures on instagram – it’s my bit of escapism, I also use it for inspiration, fashion and styling ideas. I post only very teeny tiny snippets of my life which let’s be honest, doesn’t signify 99% of what actually goes on behind the scenes!
Gosh I swear, chasing after Mabel these past few weeks has made me exhausted, on a positive note it’s doing excellent things for my thighs and arms due to all the lifting/crouching/squats I’m doing quite by necessity rather than desire 🙂
Our stairs are so awkward – it looks as though we won’t be able to put a gate on the bottom without moving a bloody radiator…..the best laid plans eh?
As for the sense of humour, I’ve never laughed so much since becoming a Mum x
Oh I love Instagram too, it’s my fave of all the social medias. I more meant the ‘treasuring every moment’ thing, I just need to remind myself that, the same as I do, we don’t always put photos of our children having massive tantrums hehe.
We have the babydan guard me stair gate, which is amazing and doesn’t open like a normal stair gate, don’t know if that would work? Xxx http://www.babydan.com/page1073.aspx?recordid1073=187
Hi Charlotte, I love your honest posts about motherhood. I became a mum to my beautiful little man nearly 5 months ago (how fast has that gone!!) and I’ll be the first to admit this had been THE hardest thing I’ve ever done, I knew it was going to be hard, but I totally underestimated it. My husband was back to work almost immediately and although he’s lucky enough to be able to work flexibly and be home early a lot of the time (I don’t know how people do this on their own and I’m dreading him going away so I feel for you there) I still found being on my own hard. My mum also doesn’t live that close and I found that difficult in the early weeks. My little one has not been the easiest, suffering from colic, reflux and still waking every 2/3 hrs throughout the night, and I’m breadtfeeding so the nighttime jobs are mostly mine and it’s definitely taking it’s toll on me now. I love my husband more than life, but I’ve admitted that I’ve felt resentment towards him at times as he is still able to do things on his own and doesn’t have to deal with the tiredness the same, I HATE myself for feeling that way and breastfeeding is something I feel strongly about so know that makes it harder for him to be as involved and help out at night – and he does everything he can to help me out, keeps me fed and makes me feel special – has anyone else felt like that though??
Ive also found everyone around me has these angelic babies that sleep well and hardly ever fussy, and as parents they tell me they ‘are loving every minute’ this makes me feel like such a bad mum as my I feel my ‘little bundle of joy’ is not always such a joy, I love him and would not change him for the world, but I find it all both physically and mentally draining. Sorry for the rank, it’s nice to know others go through the same! Xx
Kate, here’s the thing: DO NOT believe the “loving every minute” and/or “my baby always sleeps” etc type statements. I found it was as if folks felt they had to say this to keep up appearances….which is a shame. It’s better to share honestly what’s going on as then everyone feels better/not so alone. Also when you actually question it in detail (believe me I have) it’s not quite what you perceive/interpret – it’s never black and white.
I only BF for a month and I also did some expressing so James could help out even during those weeks, I can totally appreciate how difficult it must be for you and it must be completely normal to feel the way you do. It is super than your husband makes you feel so special and looks after you, even if perhaps he can’t be quite as hands on with the feeding x
Hi Kate, you are definitely not alone in feeling like that. I can’t believe any mum finds it easy 100% of the time and you are not a bad mum. My baby is nearly 6 months, breastfed and suffers with colic and reflux so I can definitely sympathise with you. You are certainly not alone in feeling resentment towards your husband, I swear my husbands snoring increases whenever I’m awake for a night feed just to p*ss me off! I can’t offer much in the way of practical advice but just wanted to let you know you are not the only one that feels that way! xx
Aw thank you Charlotte and Carly, you’ve made me feel loads better! I also think my husbands snoring gets louder, usually just after ive got the little one back to sleep hehe! I’m also glad there are people out there who don’t think every minute of being s mum is wonderful – thanks so much for this post xx
*rant, not rank (sleep deprived typing!)
I am not a mum but I have somehow ended up with two step-daughters (if that’s what you can call it as we are not wed) aged 6 and 11. We are what the school calls a ‘blended’ family, which as far as I can tell basically means instead of two tickets to the Easter concert you get three so that husband, ex-wife and girlfriend can all attend together in perfect harmony…
So they’re not biologically mine and while I get the impression that they kinda like the time we spend together (I’ve had some kick ass cards made) sometimes I see general members of the public looking in with that judgey judgey face…
YES, there is an age gap between me and the man, but NO he did not leave his wife for me. NO I am not the children’s sister but YES I am the one in charge of them. YES someone has decided that I am responsible enough to care for two children, often alone, for days on end (as the man works away a lot I have to have them alone so he can enjoy the snippets of time he does get to spend with his girls).
I admit, as a non-biological parent I may have missed the growth of the maternal gene and sometimes my parenting skills and techniques may not be quite conventional…however, I am doing my best and really when you have an 11 year old who is insistent in the H&M changing rooms that she CAN try on this pretty risque swimming suit and she CAN try it on over all her clothes in the middle of the shop then I’d like to see you doing any better.
At the end of the day two of them arrive at my house. If I send two of them out of the door I’m winning. Whatever happens in between doesn’t really matter that much.
Actually, what happens inbetween does matter…peanut butter fingers on the new Laura Ashley pineapple lamp shade matter a lot…but what I do is silently scream into a pillow…and then imagine hitting the man in the face with a naan bread. Someone once told me that when you feel like that to imagine hitting someone with bread – selecting the different type of loaf – from white sliced to croissant takes your mind off it.
Pamela this made me LOL, on a serious note it sounds as if you are doing a great job – that’s A LOT to take on. And all you can do is your best, no-one can expect any more than that.
Also…I like the sound of that lampshade (minus the peanut butter fingers) x
Honestly I’m a little bit embarrassed by some of the things I know I said before babies came along..I know I have rolled my eyes at a Mum in a cafe with a screaming baby and rolled my eyes thinking she obviously had no control over her child…
How wrong was I?! And so by the grace of God/someone who thought it’d fun we were gifted twins. TWINS!!!
I mostly despised the first 6 months of their existence. I didn’t recognise myself. I couldn’t determine day from night. The endless cycle of feeding and nappy changes left us more exhausted than ever possible. my husband regularly went to work with less than 3 hours sleep. I admitted I was depressed. I got help. We survived. And our girls thrived.
When my hubs went away with work for four nights when they were nearly two I wept! And they had some twin timed sleep-regression which turned mummy into monster. My Mum has helped heaps
I stopped speaking to perfect judgemental Mums because I wanted to smack them
I’m not ashamed that I was desperate to go back to work after 10 months
Being a Mum is the hardest thing I’ve ever done…being an Emergency Doctor does not even come close!!
We rejoice now because at 2 and a half they will both finally eat green things and have stopped biting each other! Small victories. I’m so proud of what I have achieved! Mummies rock
Sophie bloody hell, you went through a lot and then some. I can’t begin to imagine trying to manage twins, I am so glad everything has worked out for you.
And I agree, being a Mum when it’s difficult is harder than anything I’ve ever had to do with running this business, some folks don’t believe me when I admit it either.
We have the twin gene in the family, I won’t pretend it doesn’t worry me that it might happen if we attempt to have another baby. I know you should be grateful for being blessed with a baby full stop (and I would be) but, I don’t have the first clue how on earth we would cope! x
Hi Charlotte, I just wanted to add my agreement to the appreciation of the supportive and non judgemental attitudes in your Monday parenting posts, not only to yourself but to all the RMS readers that comment. I couldn’t have NCT classes and don’t have family or friends locally so have been reading a lot of social media for baby advice. With the exception of one fantastic breastfeeding group I haven’t found anything like the support that the RMS community offer each other, in fact so many of the comments on other sites are not only judgmental they are just plain nasty! I just don’t understand what is wrong with these people, surely there is no other time that you are feeling as vulnerable and confused as when caring for a small baby so parents should be building each other up not knocking each other down. My little girl is 6 months so your posts about gorgeous little Mabel are always interesting to see what we have in store for us over the next few months. Neither of us have left her overnight yet but with a number of Stag / hen dos and weddings coming up over the next few months I’m already getting nervous about solo nights and have so much admiration for single parents.
Big thanks xxx
Carly what a lovely comment, so pleased these posts are helpful. I always think that nastiness comes from unhappiness and unfullfillment, these people clearly have nothing better to do than be mean – literally. It’s sad.
The first solo night will be nerve wracking, there’s no denying the fact – but everything will be just fine 🙂
I am getting so many ideas for a future platform/content features from this post! x
Hi Charlotte,
My husband works away for 18 days at a time then come home for 3 days and has done for years. This has always been ok with us as we were living in Leeds and I would give my all to my job and my social life… When we had our Son we made the decision to move close to family whilst I was on maternity leave simply because the thought of me trying to do everything solo for near enough 3 weeks at a time was just slightly daunting. This was before I had even stepped foot into motherhood, and thinking about how difficult the decision to move was at the time, I now am forever thankful that we made that right decision. When my Son was born hubby luckily had a whole month off at the start which was heaven sent as we had quite a poorly little man in special care for the first 10 days of his life. I felt all sorts of emotion when he returned to work… I went from city life to living in the Northumberland countryside, I left my whole life behind and had this little baby that needed so much of my time, 3 hourly feeds, and I chose to express my milk for him as he wouldn’t latch, so during the milk comas I’d be pumping more milk for the next feed. All of this going on and hubby miles away… I found it one of the most challenging times of my life, but one I felt I couldn’t admit to as you’ll always get the critics… People who would just think “how naive… Did she think it would be easy?” And trust me you do get those sarcastic types. Others that just didn’t understand why I wasn’t too keen on visitors because the house was either a tip, I hadn’t even showered or looked in the mirror, or I had a pump attached to my tits!!! However my Mam was around as much as she could be, she helped me a great deal at just doing odd jobs, keeping an eye on my son whilst I showered etc. She, without a doubt was my absolute rock at the time!!! 18 months on and everything is so much easier, I’m back at work (I now freelance), we never moved back to Leeds, I have a routine, my Son is cared for by his grandparents while I work, my hubby still goes away 18 days at a time, but I’m not afraid to admit that it’s bloody hard, but at least with working for myself, if I have ‘one of those nights’ where your eyes have been open more than shut, I know that I work for myself so if I need a quick power nap before I face the day the there’s always the option! I can catch up later in the evening! Still don’t think my husband ever understands just how hard it is to look after my son, keep myself in order, the house in order and run my business because whenever he’s home I’m home too, so chores are shared! But I am not afraid to admit it anymore!
Anyway, this comment isn’t in anyway made to make you feel silly for being bothered about your loved one only being away a few nights, because if my man was around all the time, I would feel exactly the same if he went for a couple days. It’s just what you get used to! I complain about 3 week and I have a friend with a baby who is married to a service man and doesn’t see him for 6 months at a time… So I dare say 18 days would be a walk in the park for her, but to me it’s tough!!
I massively appreciate your honesty in this post and it does really help comfort the likes of me who sometimes just needs to know that I’m not alone! 🙂
Ebony…18 days is a lot. And running a business and not having your husband at home for all that time is well…I don’t know how you do it. James is very hands on – I knew it was going to be the case, I just didn’t realise how much I can’t get done when he’s not around (this morning I dropped Mabel off at nursery only to realise when I got home my trousers were on inside out…)
And working for yourself does have it’s plus points definitely, I’m yet to have a power nap but I do find myself tidying up here and there and putting the washing on, otherwise my already untidy house would be a bomb site!
You are not alone x
You might start off a new trend with pants inside out, haha. I’m sure you’re not the first either. I love hearing the chaotic stories of new mothers. It comforts me and makes me chuckle in equal measures. This is all we can do sometimes. A friend of mine recently became a mother in January and she talked about everything she was going to do whilst on mat leave. In the back of my head I was thinking “good luck with that” but it’s something you can only learn when you’re on the other side. I never understood before my son! I literally have no idea how people cope with more than 1… But I dare say in the coming years I may find out! Keep the posts coming… I love them x
@Charlotte – you know what, it IS a lot to take on. I had them on my own for four days over Christmas and I was scared to death of getting it wrong. But I do it because it makes it easier for the man and at the end of the day, it was a package deal. It probably wasn’t how you imagine your family to turn out when you’re little and drawing pictures in primary school but it’s the hand I’ve been given and it’s a pretty exciting one to be honest!
The lamp is here: http://www.lauraashley.com/invt/3586313?tmcampid=152&tmad=c&tmplaceref=3586313&source={ifpe:1}{ifpla:2}&gclid=CNWcvdzjrMQCFS3LtAodYEcAYA&gclsrc=aw.ds
I also find in moments of true self-doubt (I can barely dress myself, let alone two girls, and do THREE ponytails in the morning) I retreat to my downstairs bathroom which has this sign on the wall and tell myself to woman up! Women give birth in fields in other countries, I can handle a 6 and 11 year old!
https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/167442923/put-on-your-big-girl-panties?ref=favs_view_8
Erm I REALLY want the lamp….
And it’s very brave/eloquent of you to say that yes, it’s a package deal. You seem to be handling it remarkably well.
Also…THREE ponytails? x
Definitely a phrase for me to remember I think over the coming months with advice coming from left, right, centre and mother in law! ‘Leave your judgy pants at the door.’ Does anyone make a sign that says that? If not, they definitely should. I’d buy it and hang it. Thanks for sharing it and these non judgy pants Monday morning posts xx
Perhaps we should design a free downloadable?
I remember a THREE PAGE LONG forum on Mumsnet about the dangers of Angel Delight. As if there isn’t enough to worry about!
I meet lots of tinies in ‘my line of work’ (that makes me sound quite grown up, doesn’t it?). Although I read lots of papers on how to bring up children, and go on lots of those Professional/Continuing Development Courses malarkies, experience/observation counts for a lot. All the families I know have had their own battles, whether that has been illness, bereavement, moving house, redundancy, etc. In the nine years that I’ve been doing this, I’ve seen a million different things done a million different ways. However, I’ve been fortunate enough to notice that even in the very worst of it, they are all happy, thriving children. I believe that is simply because they are loved, and know they are loved. And as the years go by I become more and more convinced that that is all anyone really needs 🙂
Hi Becks, thanks so much for your comment – I’m sure it will make many folks feel heaps better/more confident. And yes – I only had this sort of conversation with my parents about um..parenting (!) at the weekend. The best education, the best 100% organic vegetables (!) the best material this that and the other etc etc doesn’t bring any child happiness. Love and appreciation does.
I love this post! Being a mummy is hard enough without feeling judged by everyone…and it seems to come from every direction! Learning on the job is hard, and no matter what I had expected about being a mummy, it is a million times harder ( and a million times more rewarding too!)
This is a lovely post & what a lovely message from Susie, LOL to the judgy pants.
Just wanted to say to anyone that’s reading this & struggling, that as a mother of a 4 & 6 year old it gets SO SO SO much easier & don’t let anyone ever tell you it doesn’t (someone actually told me it didn’t when my eldest was a baby!!!). My husband works away from time to time & I used to dread it, decamp to my Mums, panic as the days approached etc. but it was NEVER as bad as I imagined it would be (anticipation is always worse) & it got easier as they got older.
Now we have girly nights when Daddy is away at wknds where they get to sleep in my bed & watch Barbie, Frozen etc. I can’t say I wouldn’t prefer to watch The Good Wife in peace with a glass of red 🙂 but it’s not all the time & they LOVE it.
One of my closest friends said to me after giving birth, phone me whenever you want & whatever the question the answer is always “that’s normal” … she was spot on.
Grainne that is so great to hear! I must admit to look forward to watching disney films with Mabel, I tried the Little Mermaid prequel (who knew this was a thing?!) at the weekend but she was completely disinterested. A few years yet to go I think!
I made it my New Year’s resolution to stop going online for baby advice, and the only two sites I know allow myself are the NHS and RMS! As Mummies, we have to give 100% to everything all of the time, and because of that I totally understand that people can end up with some pretty strong opinions. But you only have to see how different two siblings can be to appreciate that no piece of advice can ever work for all the babies out there! The best gem I got from one of the lovely RMS commenters is simply to say, “this is what works for us”. I probably say it to myself more than anyone else, but it always makes me feel better! X
“this is what works for us” absolutely Emma! and it is so different for everyone x
Hi Charlotte,
I’m expecting a baby this summer & find RMS such a mine of information & haven’t come across a narky comment from anyone which is so refreshing. Raising a family is a difficult subject matter as it is so personal and so subjective and such an emotive subject. Yes there probably is a good way to do something but if what you do is different and it works then who can argue? I can never understand why people are so judgemental about such private personal things.
Pregnancy emotions (and lack of rational thinking!) probably don’t help but I’m already worrying about not being a good mum and a few tears have escaped over it (usually when I do something dramatically wrong like burn a slice of toast…..oh dear!) My hubby has been so lovely saying “you’ll be the best mum in the world”. And actually, when you think about, we’re all / will be the best in the world – for our kids. What you do for Mabel – noone else could do that so you’re the best mum in the world for her 🙂
Bless you Victoria, I hope so.If it’s any consolation I can have a meltdown even now from lack of sleep – the other day it was because we had run out of binbags which was obviously THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.
:0 x
Victoria, I’m due in the summer and I had a meltdown because my coat zip got stuck. Tears and everything. Irrational tears are allowed!!
Haha to both of those. It’s funny when you look back when you’re in a more rational state of mind – but at the time – good grief it really is a major meltdown! Me too in the summer Anna. Good luck!
I’ve come to understand that being a mum is quite a broad job title – all us mums share it – but I think that being a mum means that your differences, your uniqueness, the qualities, skills, passions, opinions, temperaments, quirks and values (and faults) are magnified – and then our job starts to look so very different from anyone else’s. You put the whole of yourself into bringing up your little people. It’s a massive task and requires everything! No wonder we all get in muddles when we look at what other people are doing differently!
I think we all get scared or anxious about different things… weirdly I’m totally fine if I know Joel is away… but if I’m expecting him and he’s 10 mins late for tea I’ll be stressing all over the place… (and I get really irrationally nervous when I have to put petrol in the car…how silly is that?!)
Judgy pants are so completely banned in my world. I don’t even notice or get bothered by judgy comments anymore. There is a ridiculous number of articles around the internet these days about how to get really angry with being judged so lets judge back… and keep that judgy war going! “Good mums have sticky floors” etc… apart from lots of good mums also have clean floors too… and some mums are just really great at making perfect cakes for school sales… and some great mums burn everything because they forgot they put something in the oven…but they might just be amazing at working out the maths homework. Basically, we’re all great – at totally different things. I think it’s best for the world like that – we can all help each other out 🙂
My best parenting advice would be to stick with people who will listen to you worry about the most ridiculously neurotic things (like my friends who stuck by me even when I CRIED because my daughter ate more pizza than I was happy about at a birthday party) and people who let you get on with doing your best without posting articles about how mums who do (the thing that you do best) are actually horrible people and terrible mother’s! And remember instagram is just a little square of loveliness with all the mess cropped out …and we can all find one of those from time to time. 🙂
“instagram is just a little square of loveliness with all the mess cropped out”
Ha ha absolutely! SO many of my pretty flower images have big piles of washing just an inch out of view…. 🙂
I feel the same about time keeping though, I think especially when you have children it’s one of things there can be “control” over…so it’s ten times worse when it doesn’t happen x
What a lovely message from Susie and Tom, and I wholeheartedly agree. We don’t have any little ones yet but hope to sometime soon if we’re lucky, and I read these posts with great interest thanks to the honesty of you and all the commenters. This blog is a lovely positive corner of the internet which I am so pleased to have discovered!x
Yay Amanda!
I have a 5 month daughter who won’t sleep anywhere other than on my chest. I get quite upset when my husband goes for a night out. In fact it has caused a few rows! He is really good with her and doesn’t go out that much but he doesn’t always understand that I get really upset if he says he will be back at a certain time and he is back late. It does seem like I overreact but I just can’t help it! I get nervous before he goes and work myself up! Your posts have helped me a lot over the last few months and I have even saved a lot of them for future reference- thank you xx
Pleasure Natasha!
I think lateness is one of those things that really irritates people so it much worse when you are over tired and stressed x
It amazed me that even my best friends weren’t honest with me when they had their babies. My boy is 9 weeks old and I really struggled with breastfeeding for various reasons and only managed it for 3 weeks, but when I was honest and open with my friends about it a couple of weeks after they ALL came back with stories of how they struggled and how difficult they found it but none of them had said that until I was honest with them! If they had said before I gave birth or even in those first couple of weeks I would have felt so much less guilty/despairing/a failure!
I have to admit I am a member of an online forum (a wedding one which has a baby section) and the girls on their have been amazing and super supportive. Just wanted to say that they are not all bad (I didn’t get to an NCT class so didn’t find support that way)
Final note – Natasha my husband went on his ‘head wetting’ (does anyone else not get this tradition??!!!) a couple of weeks ago and came home at 3:30am!!! Major major grovelling on his part!!
Hi Claire! Glad you have found a supportive online forum, not every single one can be awful!
My closest friends were brutally honest (!) but there were folks I knew who were either negative about everything (perhaps they were having a bad day!) or didn’t really tell you the important stuff. Having said that, I totally respect that it’s very personal to each individual and perhaps they didn’t feel comfortable sharing such details.
James didn’t go on head wetting as such but did go out to “celebrate” only a month or so after Mabel was born x
What I was trying to articulate was that they obviously felt they couldn’t speak the truth, even to their best friend, without feeling like they would be judged, which is so sad.
I’ve promised myself I’ll always tell expectant or new mothers the truth about my difficulties and experiences – having someone say they felt the same or also struggled with something or whatever it is would have helped me so much in the first 3 weeks!
My hubby was also away last week for work, I have to admit I chickened out of being on our own and called my mum in for the week!!
Late to the party as ever, but @Kate – from all the way back up at the top of this post – you basically took my life and wrote it down there. Thank The Lord that we are not alone and that this is all perfectly normal and we are not all collectively losing our minds.
I’m with you on all you said, I can’t give any answers, but every day I’m struggling with the same stuff as you. Keep powering on, strong mama x x
Hi ladies Susie, Toms mama, here. Thank you all for sharing your stories. What a lovely bunch you really are.
Tom and I are doing well. Motherhood has been quite the journey. No matter how excited I was, and how much I was desperate to be a mummy, it is awesome and wonderful and terrifying and relentless, and it smells vaguely of poo. But I am getting better at it and I must be doing something right as Tom is a happy chap.
I’ve had such wonderful support from friends, family and neighbours – and with all the lovely ladies on this blog I hope we can pay it forward. One thing is for sure – from now on, when I go to visit a new mum I will wear my kind pants (perhaps over my trousers and with some sort of cape – I haven’t nailed the ensemble as yet). And in addition to baby pretty, I will bring food and tea bags and wet wipes and other useful things. And I will never say “if you think it’s bad now just wait til they are teething/walking/teenagers/37” or “you’re making a rod for your own back doing that” or any other pearls of “wisdom”.
We are doing our best and doing it with aplomb …… even if we do have our trousers inside out….
I love these Monday posts and I’ve been meaning to say so for some time now. I can completely empathise with Susie’s post…so glad she’s ok now. Having gone through an awful lot to have our gorgeous daughter I was hit with pretty bad post natal depression. I wasn’t expecting it at all, I chose to ignore it and struggled for months before my mum forced me to face it head on, she’s been a wonderful support. Motherhood is tough, wonderful, exciting, exhausting, worrying, it’s a rollercoaster and one I don’t think anyone can prepare you for until you’re in the thick of it. I was very lucky to have a great childhood and my mum said to me, she felt guilty, worried, made mistakes but at the end of the day she loved us all and always put our needs first, what more can you ask for from a mum than that. My husband is going away for 2 months in may, I’m already nervous about it, it’s so nice to read your posts and everyone’s comments to know you’re not alone and others are going through the exact same thing! X
Yey I get a mention! Charlotte your readers are lovely. I totally agree, motherhood is the hardest job. Like Tabitha I today had to deal with a poo explosion (I was in House of Fraser) but unlike Tabitha I actually did cry! I had forgotten a change of clothes for Lyra so I had to rush around the baby section and ended up spending £30 on a babygro that I don’t even like and a pair of socks that were far too small. Thank god Lyra was not one bit bothered but I felt like such a bad mom! X
Thank you Charlotte, please keep these posts coming! I am 18 weeks pregnant with our first baby and whilst we couldn’t be more excited I have to say that I am more than a little nervous about what’s to come. I have watched all my close friend’s go through this experience before me (they mostly have 3, 4 & 5 year olds now!) and whilst they have been amazing in answering my questions so far, I do feel a little left behind by the fact that they are mostly out of the “baby” stage and have other more relevant things to discuss with each other! My best friend however is pregnant with baby number 2 and is 10 week’s ahead of me, so I couldn’t be more grateful for her support and putting up with my questions… moses basket vs crib? when do they sleep in their own room? how do you know they are still breathing??? I am also nervous of online forums so RMS has been a fantastic platform of information (yesterday I went back to read up on your review of the Snuzpod, as well as the “What’s in name?” post). So thank you (and all the lovely commenters), from the bottom of my heart x
This was in the Guardian on Saturday – well timed with your article and comments. Interesting to see the dad’s perspective too! x
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/mar/14/man-with-a-pram-hell-is-other-parents
Hello! Greetings from Singapore! Seems like moms all around the world experience the same thing and you’re so spot on regarding the having a little communty on the internet to know we are not alone in this!
Loved reading this and all the comments girls. We are expecting our first later in the year and already feel bombarded with well meaning advice from lots of different people. Lovely to read ‘real’ things and realise there are no rules, no hard and fasts and as has been said before, as long as this baby is loved beyond measure it’ll all work out in the end. Xx